Friday, May 30, 2008

Old feelings or can of worms.......................

Hey dudes! I have gotten a lot of mail from readers and I want to thank you all for that. Also the comments are great - and me being the comment-whore - I love it. I love the long mails you guys send to me. I have replied to a lot of them but I still need to reply to more. I will get to them asap. Believe me, I always reply to every single one of your emails. And whatever you mail to me - is only going to stay with me and I will never tell your names to anyone. So please feel free to ask me anything and tell me anything you want to. Once again my mail address is secretblogin@gmail.com.

Im sure most of my readers still remember Kristiano (If not please look at my older posts, cos I dont know how to make links, lol). Well after the last time that I saw him which was nearly three weeks ago, I decided not to ring him anymore. Cos everytime I go and see him, I open this can of worms. Although we have decided to stay best friends - I find it hard cos sometimes feelings empower me. I mean I thought I was completely ok but then during his surgery I just started caring so much as a best friend - that a part that was before opened up again. So I decided to stop ringing him. And after two days, I was completely ok and I stopped thinking about him.

So it had been about three weeks and I got an email from him on facebook on monday. He asked me how I was doing and where I was and wanted me to call him. So instead of calling him on monday itself, I called him yesterday. He had some visitors so he could not speak for long.

Ring Ring

Kristiano: Hello.

Me: Hey Kristiano.

Kristiano: OH HEY!

Me: Hey how are you?

Kristiano: Im good. Where have you been? Why did you disappear like that?

Me: I was busy.

Kristiano: Why would you just disappear like that? Are you still in the city?
Me: Ya.

Kristiano: Well then I will see you when you drop by tomorrow.

Me: What do you mean?

Kristiano: I mean you are going to drop by tomorrow. And we will talk then.

Me: Haha. Ok. Can you talk right now?

Kristiano: No I have visitors.

Me: I will call you later.

Kristiano: Ok late though. Like after 12.

Me: Ok.

So I tried ringing him at night around 12 but was late so could only ring around 1. I think he must have fallen asleep cos he did not pick up. So I just went to sleep. And today I went to see him around 5. He had changed a bit. I know its only been three weeks but I think he had changed a bit. I had recently watched a movie with a gay theme and loved it. So I took the same movie for him.
Then we hung out a little bit. And chatted. I still give him hell for being a sex maniac. We kept talking about stuff old and new. He wanted to know about what was going on in my life as I had not rung for three weeks or so. I told him that I had been partying a lot and going on road trips and on his side, he told me that he was getting better. He should be discharged soon and I am really happy for him. We both joked around a lot.
Today, it felt good. Cos the old feelings did not come rushing back. I saw him as a best friend. It felt good this way. We just kept joking about old stuff and new. He told me that he was going to a benefit event next week so he was getting his suit ready. Then I told him that I wanted to tell him something that I had started but was not sure if I could trust him. Then he forced me to tell him. I was talking about this blog.

I did not tell him, just yet. Then I asked him if he had deleted all the ims from his computer. And he said he had. And then I told him that I find it very hard to trust people. And that I was afraid that if I ever become someone - he would tell everyone about us. He said he would never do that. I trust him but its just hard for me to trust people easily. I told him that if I told him about this thing I had started (this blog) he was going to tell everyone about it someday. He told me that he would not. I guess I trust him. So I told him that I had started a blog and that it was anonymous and that it talked about the part of me that is gay. Then he wanted me to tell him the name of it and when I said I would not he said he would find it out. I told him that he would not be able to. Then I told him that two posts were about him and then he said he had to know cos I had written about his personal information. I told him that I had not given out any of his personal information and I had changed his name too. Kristiano demanded that I tell him cos I had talked about him and more importantly, us. So I told him not to flatter himself cos he was written about in two posts only. He laughed. Kristiano kept nagging me to give him the link to the blog and I totally refused. I told him that this blog was one area where I could talk about anything I wanted to and the only place where I could talk freely about the part of me that is gay. So I told him that I could not tell him about it. Then we talked more and then I left.

And guess what I only see him as a best friend. I am afraid that the can of worms known as feelings might open up again. But if I can forget Brody, then I can forget anyone. So Im not worried at all. And I feel completely fine.
This was just a quick blog, dude. I will try and blog more often. And once again to all my readers, I want you to mail me about anything. Also if you have photos of men flexing or yourself flexing in front of mirrors then send them to me. You dont have to show your face if you dont want to and I will not show your name unless you want me to. Also if you have any frat party photos, baseball party or football party photos then send them to me. Im not a perv - I just want to have some photos to put on here. lol. And yes love photos of men. lol. But I dont want to post dick pics on here. So please dont send dick pics. Thanks to all my readers again.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

"An Idol Who Is Gay"



Hey Dudes Sorry for the delay in blogging. I have been busy lately.

I want to thank my readers for reading again. Really value it a LOT.I see that I am getting a lot of readers from down south. I think from Texas. And I just want to say I just have a huge thing for southern men. I think I should say for southern men too (cos in my last post, I talked about liking Midwestern men). Lol. Southern Men from the Texan city or Texan country – the whole southern gentleman and hospitality appeals to me. Actually, when you think of it – there is something attractive I find in men of every country in the world. And to the Midwest readers – Midwest men are still in my mind. lol.
Also one of my readers asked me what career it is that I want to be in? Well to that I want to say – No comment! Sorry guys, but I just don’t want to write that on here. I don’t mind that you asked, its just that I don’t want to say.

I still have some way to go to be where I want to be but I don’t want to jeopardize it when I get there. And I hope I don’t.
Now to get to my main post.
Dude, when I was growing up, there were not a lot of people that I could look up to as an idol who was gay. I mean there were but we never knew about them. The idols that I am going to talk about today are some in my time and some long before my time. So they were there but no one ever spoke about them. And even if they did – they never spoke about the gay part of them.
And when I say “an idol who was gay", I mean exactly that. I don’t mean “a gay idol” as there have been people portraying gay characters on TV for decades. But those characters were stereotypical gay – by which I mean they portrayed only effeminate men (I have nothing against effeminate men – I had to use that word as only they were portrayed). So there is a big difference between “an idol who is gay” and “a gay idol”.

When I was growing up, I only knew gay men through “slurs” and “remarks” that were said as a form of a swear word or verbal abuse. “Faggots”, “Fairies”, “Gayboi”, etc. I heard the word gay everywhere – but only in a negative way. Those words imprinted on my mind that being gay was wrong. To me, being gay was negative. Being gay was to be laughed at.

But I don’t blame the people who used it. They were not to blame.

There was never really “an idol who was/is gay” that could shine a positive light on being GAY. There was never really anyone gay that everyone could look at and say “He is cool, he is gay, so who cares, he is cool".

But I want to say that I have a lot of idols who are gay that I can look up to now. So to high school teenagers who are gay that read my blog, to young guys who are gay and to every man who is gay – I want to give you guys “an idol who is gay” to look up to. I want you guys to have them cos I did not know about them for a long time but now that I have them to look up to and it just helps me a lot. And not just one idol, dude, lots of them.

Once again, as I was growing up, I knew that I was gay. As I was growing up, I knew that I wanted to be someone famous. As I was growing up, I knew I wanted to do something great. But very soon, society stained its hatred on my mind. Soon, the whole “being gay’ part became an insecurity. I looked up for inspiration and never found “an idol who was gay”. I still had a lot of other great idols who inspired me as much and not having “an idol who was gay” would not have been the end of my life but, having “an idol who was gay” would have helped a bit more. And things did change when I was in high school and with the advent of internet, I could learn things by myself and gain knowledge of everything I ever desired to know. But, dude, little did I know that I was going to find “an idol who was gay” to look up to.

What is the stereotypical view that people have of men who are gay? What is the popular image of gay men in society? – I think the unanimous answer will be that they are “feminine”. They are “girly”. They cannot fight like men. Cannot win a duel with another man. They are weak. In the US army, the whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” system tells you that gay men are not good enough or strong enough to fight for their country. Another common misconception: They absolutely cannot be macho. They absolutely cannot chug beer. They cannot command an army. They cannot punch the hell out of mongrels that try to hurt their family and their loved ones. They cannot be the strongest and bravest man in the world.

Well, while in high school, the knowledge of this one idol changed that whole view for me. So I absolutely deny the statements made in the previous paragraph. I deny. I deny. I deny. I deny. Anyone want to challenge my view? Anyone want to ask me to prove it?

Well here it is. The strongest and greatest king in the world known to mankind and respected in the whole world is Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great was the greatest and strongest king known to mankind. He defeated all armies that came against him. He put down every man that fought against him. And (not but) And he was gay.

My history books in middle school, high school and all the other books that are in libraries talk about his glory and they talk about his strength and his courage. But none of them point out that he was gay too.


For the first time in my life, I saw this idol in a different light. He was still the greatest and strongest king to my knowledge but knowing that he was gay too, changed a lot for me. Alexander, then became “an idol who was gay” to me. For me, he shone a positive light on being gay. Although, Alexander's love story is a post for another day, I just want to mention that Alexander and his best friend, Hephaestion, were in love with each other. It is said, that when Hephaestion died, Alexander laid upon Hephaestion's body for a day and a night and finally had to be dragged off by his friends. For another three days he remained mute, in tears, fasting. Alexander saw their love as emulating that heroic love between Patroclus and Achilles, another ancient couple. They both idolised Patroclus and Achilles, for the love they shared. Alexander died eight months after Hephaestion's death, just like Achilles had followed Patroclus in the Iliad. Dude, very emotional and makes me want to cry. (Achilles was the strongest soldier in Troy. And if no one remembers, Brad Pitt played Achilles in the Hollywood movie "Troy". But they did not show that Achilles was gay in the movie. )
Ok. Where was I again? Oh ya. Lets get to my point again.




Want more idols? How about another 300 idols who are gay? I suppose everyone has watched the Hollywood film “300”. I suppose everyone has the image that those 300 men were the manliest and strongest men in the whole world. I suppose everyone looks up to them as the perfect men. Guess what? They were gay. All 300 of them. Once again, the 300 Spartans who were the strongest and bravest men in the whole wide world were gay. So, this helped me more to understand, that the stereotype of gay men being girly was wrong. The stereotype that states that gay men are “a bunch of pussies “or that “they cannot fight like men” is wrong. By now I have, 300 soldiers and king to look up to. The main reason that many people cannot come to terms with their homosexuality is because they feel that they have to conform to society’s perception of what a gay man is and adhere to that image. For me, the fact that this king and the 300 Spartans were gay (and the other idols that I will speak about) told me that I can be the strongest, manliest, bravest, most courageous, that I can fight like any other straight man, that I can be the perfect man, even though I am gay. Cos being gay is a part of me and not the whole me. Cos for those 300 soldiers and Alexander the Great, being gay was only a part of them and not the whole of them.

How about other “idols who are gay” in the recent times? What do we think about our Hollywood movie stars? The leading men in Hollywood movies? I think once again the answer will be “manly, charismatic, strong, brave, good looking, very macho and, I use this term loosely, the perfect male”. Hollywood leading men are adored by women and ordinary men look up to them. They are who every man wants to be in one way or the other. Every woman wants to be with some Hollywood movie star. They are the idols who are idolized in every single way possible.
Rock Hudson was one of the greatest movie stars of all time. He was the ultimate leading man and the most macho man/movie star in the 1950’s. He was a box office hit. He was idolized by fans all over the world. Everyone saw him as the “manliest, masculine, strong, good looking and above all the perfect man”. And he was gay too. Although he did not come out – he lived openly and most people in Hollywood knew that he was gay. He lived openly with his lover Marc Christian at his home. Rock Hudson was a movie star like today’s Tom Cruise. Knowing that Rock Hudson was gay is like knowing Tom Cruise is gay (I don’t know if Tom Cruise is gay or not, I am only trying to show how big a star Rock Hudson was). So once again, I give you another “idol who was gay” to look up to.



Another Hollywood movie star was Tab Hunter. Tab hunter was the epitome of male perfection. He was the leading man in Hollywood that can be compared to today’s Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. He was very good looking, had a muscular body, had charisma, had talent, was all manly and portrayed characters that were extremely masculine and was a sex symbol. No one would even guess that Tab Hunter was gay. And (once again, not but) And he was gay. He came out on an interview that was broadcasted on National TV. He came out when his movie career was in its peak and he was a box office hit.


To Americans, football players are the benchmark for manliness and male perfection. They are known for being rugged and completely macho. To society, there would be no possibility of a footballer, ever, being gay. Why not? Cos, football players are the complete opposite of the stereotypical “feminine” homosexual male. And not just footballers, but society would find the idea of any sportsmen (be it a football player, baseball player, bodybuilders, basketball players) being gay, totally absurd. But I have two revered and famous sportsmen “as idols who are gay” that defy this misconception as itself being absurd. These two sportsmen are NFL player David Kopay and NBA player John Amaechi that are “idols who are gay” (they are many other famous sportsmen who are at the top of their game too, but I am only using the names of these two). They show the world that to be a benchmark of manliness and male perfection and to be a great sportsman; the required ingredient is not your sexuality. They are “idols who are gay” that are proof to society that even men who are gay can be rugged, completely macho, be the statuette of manliness and male perfection and be a great sportsman. So these two idols are also on my list. And, once again, like for all the men who are gay in the world, being gay was only a part of these two great sportsmen – it was not the whole of them. In John Amaechi’s words, “Gay people don't just look like Jack from 'Will and Grace,' and they don't want to jump your bones every occasion and some are camp and some are butch and that we're different and we're useful and we are here!"


Today, there are men who are gay working in every field. And they are not just merely working (and being counted like second class citizens), but they are at the top of their game and reigning at the highest level of every field they choose to have a career in or make a name for themselves in. There are revered and famous NBL players, NBA players, NFL players, Hollywood movie stars, TV Stars, singers, directors, producers, Mr. Universes, Mr. Olympians and everything else you can think of. Society’s view that men who are gay cannot absolutely be athletes and cannot be the best NFL player or the best NBA player– is wrong. Society’s view that men who are gay cannot possibly be the ultimate masculine man and cannot be the hot Hollywood leading man – is wrong. Dudes, and yes, being gay and a jock are compatible.

My end point is that sexuality does not define who you are, who you want to be and how great you can be in life and what your potential is. Sexuality only defines who you choose to share your bed with (or choice of surface that you have sex on and I also want to say that I have nothing against effeminate men or girly men and that by using those words I was only trying to show what the stereotype of being gay is). The idols that I have mentioned above (along with many others) have helped me to empower myself and look beyond the horizon and try and reach for the stars. I am not looking to start a revolution or drive my agenda in a parade, I just want kids, adults and all men who are gay to have “idols who are gay” to look up to when they feel insecure about themselves. I just want all men who are gay to have “idols who are gay” to look up to and remove the stains that society have imprinted on their minds.

Thanks for reading guys.

P.S. And sorry for my bad writing skills, I am not very good at writing but just wanted to get my message through. Also if anyone who is out wants to use this as an article in their high school newspaper, yearbook, college newspaper or any newspaper/magazine/book/forum or wherever – please feel free to do so. You do not need to credit me or anything and you don’t need my permission. You might just want to modify the possibly thousands of grammatical errors that I have made in this. But, if you do like my post and blog, then please add a link of my blog to your blog or website. I just want more readers. Lol. Good night dudes.




Monday, May 19, 2008

Internet dating and the issues that come with it

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have a movie recommendation for all of you. I saw it a while back and loved it. The name of the movie is "The Mudge Boy". Emile Hirsch stars in it. He plays a teenager who is trying to cope with his mother's death. Soon, he befriends one of the boys in the local gang and they strike a friendship and soon feelings emerge. Its a touching tale and Emile Hirsch potrays the character very well. The end is poignant and very emotional. So watch it. I loved it.

Internet dating has become very popular over the past ten years. I have tried it too. My mid-teen years were filled with nights where I played with my life by going on chat rooms and finding someone to cam with. And when I say played with my life, I really mean played with my life. I would cam with guys of every age. And when I mean cam I mean everything - including stripping, jerking off and the most stupid thing I did during those days of uncontrollable hormones were to show my face too. I mean I knew even then what I wanted to do with my life but did not think about the things that came with it like how dangerous it will be for my career if any of the guys recognise me from those camming minutes of e-passion.


Then I started to focus on my career more and I knew very well the dangers to my career if someone outed me. By this time, I had fallen deeply in love with Brody. I would not even watch porn or chat online or do anything. Cos these did not do anything for me. I dont know if thats what people feel when they are in love but that is how I felt. But then there came a point when I just had to take my mind off Brody, so I started going online again. I would chat to random guys and then for the first time in my life, I organised to meet a guy. He was a teenager like me, then.


The day came when we were supposed to meet. And when the hour came, I was a nervous wreck. I did not what to do and kept coming up with reasons as to why I should not meet up with him. I kept telling myself about the risks to my career, what if someone found out and everything else. Then I started feeling guilty about how mean it would be to do this to someone. My consciene kicked in and it kept asking me how I would feel if someone stood me up. So I decided I would still go. I would only meet him once and that would be it. I went and looked around and then as I was looking this guy looks at me and hellos at me. I looked at him and smiled, perplexed.

This was no teenager. This was no guy from the picture. The guy in the picture was good looking, slim, long blond hair and a shaped jaw. Well the guy out of the picture looked nothing like the picture, had teeth that were all yellow and brown al decaying, had hair that were long but really bad and was really chubby as in double or treble the size of the guy in the photo. Dont get me wrong I never judge people on their looks but this was different cos the guy committed a cardinal sin in internet dating world by misrepresenting himself.

Me being the usual me, did not want to be mean to the guy and scar him by yelling as loud as I could, starting to run for my life not looking back for the sake of my sanity. So instead I let myself be scarred mentally by agreeing to go get lunch. Then he looks at me and tells me that I look like my photo and I tell him that he looks like his photo too. Im sure he must be thinking "wot an ass". Then we talked for a bit and then walked for five minutes during which he tried to hold my hands. But I just took it as far away from his reach as I could. The whole time my heart was shaking, I was scared and I knew I would need some kind of therapy after this thing was over. Then I told him that I had to go somewhere so had to leave. I said bye and left.



Then I walked normally................................then walk-ran.....................then ran..................then ran for my life..................then ran faster than the wind. I knew I was scarred for life and would never recover from this.


Over the years, I have found myself trying it out when I have felt lonely. Whenever it has gotten painful, I have tried it. But, trust me, I have never met any of these internet guys in person after that one time where I ran for my sanity. But I have chatted to guys with the hopes of maybe finding someone.


But the truth about internet dating is that you mostly only meet guys who want to have sex with you than get to know you. Its full of guys who have their dick picture as their profile pic. And seriously, the pick up line "How big is your dick?" has never been so overused. I mean for a guy who is 15, 16, 17 and even 18, the lines and the "dick profile pic" would be a great way to get off on. I mean I loved it. At that age, any kind of internet nudeness was great. But for people older than that, its just weird and really not right.

Recently, I tried the whole internet dating thing again. Like I told you guys, I have taken a semester off cos I was ill and after the whole Kristiano episode, I just needed to get my mind off him. And this time I got more daring, stupidly. I mean I even put my photo up. I tried a couple of sites and put my photos up everywhere. But as I was looking for something meaningful, I made sure my "about me" section was very to-the-fact. I wrote about my personality and who I was as a person and what I was looking for. And to avoid people with dick pics - I wrote that I was not looking for just sex and was more interested in friendship and getting to know and then maybe something more and I also wrote that I was not interested in looking at dick pics and did not have nude photos so there was no point asking. And any offers even from super hot guys loin for just sex was to be ignored. And so I did. Needless to say I did not get a lot out of this but I did get three friends around my age who were amazed by the fact that I was not asking for their nude photos and just wanted to be friends. So I was not disappointed. Within a few days I removed my pics off the sites.

All I got was getting my mind off of Kristiano but that was good enough. I even told Kristiano how I was going to do what I did with girls and date five guys at a time and just blow my mind away with sex. He told me that even though I would like it at first but it would make me feel terrible cos I would feel like a whore inside.


Well I have stopped internet dating. Also, another confession, I went on craigslist and wrote about what I was looking for. But I did not post my pic up here. Soon enough I got responses sex-for-now was the main agenda. Lol. When I would send pics through email to prospective guys who contacted me through craigslist - they would offer to pay me for sex. Some of them even offered to even be my supposed sugar daddy. I turned down the offers. Period. Who do they think I am - a male gigolo or a paid whore? But I guess, putting myself on craigslist would only get me that.

I am scared that people might later claim that they saw my pics posted online but I have already thought up things to say to prove it was not me. Lol.
I mean I know you guys might think that I am lame to try internet dating and put "looking for friendship and getting to know" instead of "looking for sex now" as being ridiculous. I also know that you might be thinking why dont I just meet guys in real life instead of internet dating but cos of the reasons I have explained before and in my first post - I am scared of being outed. And I have worked very hard to get somewhere in the career I want to pursue so I dont want to jeopardise it for casual sex.

So have you guys ever tried internet dating? What was it like? Good or bad? And do you guys think I am the stupidest guy for putting "only looking for friendship and getting to know you" instead of "sex now" in my profile when I had one? I must be right? So if you have any internet dating stories that you do not want to put on my comment box but want to share it with me then send it secretblogin@gmail.com.
Also thanks to the guys who have sent me their pictures. I have put them on the top. Although I doubt that some of them might be taken from other sites online. But thanks anyways. Also thanks to some dude who sent me his self taken picture - semi nude and was very very hot. You asked me to not post it so I have not. But you know who you are and dude, dont worry your bf will be bk soon and dont be insecure cos you are HOT. Please keep the pictures coming. The email is mentioned already.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Thank readers, gay wedding, flexer photos and sending questions




Firstly, I would like to thank all the readers. I am really pleased that you guys are reading and its awesome that Im getting comments too. Woohoo! Im sorry I had to do that. lol.


I also saw that a lot of guys from the midwest are reading. Something about guys from the midwest I just find so appealing. I am not trying to stereotype guys from the midwest but I have a fantasy. Once I again I am not trying to stereotype midwestern guys. I would love to live my life with a guy who loves to work farms in midwest of US. We would have a beautiful home out in the country with a dirt road leading to it. We would maybe have a few horses. My guy would be a man who loves to work the fields and have a honest heart. A heart which is down to earth, loving and gentle. And he should be very strong but have a soft side for me. Let me get a grip. Phew. So, the guys from midwest who are reading, thanks for that. Please continue and leave me comments. And please please dont think that this was me trying to find a possible date from the midwest. I just wanted to tell you guys of one of my dreams. To be honest, dating a reader of my blog would be like dating a person who has the key to my life and knows everything about me. And that is daunting. And something about internet dating just makes me wanna be a marathon runner and run the fastest......away from internet dating. But I will get to that someday later.


And thanks to guys from the South of France who are reading too. French men have an aura of their own. I recently saw A Good Year, and Russell Crowe sells everything and moves to France to live in the countryside with his lover and owns a vineyard. I would love that.
Thanks New Zealand and Canada too. Thanks Asia and South Africa too.

Ok lets stop with the pageant like verbal diarrhea "thank yous".



Moving on, how many people like Brothers & Sisters? I love that show. It is a show that is very close to my heart and the Walker family resembles my family in many ways. Fans would very much know Kevin's love life in the show. In last week's episode he got married to Scotty. As I watched the episode, I could not help but think about my own wedding someday. Imagine what it would be like to marry the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, in front of your whole family and friends. I mean, you all should imagine it too. I find it beautiful and petrifying. When I thought about it, I did not know how I would feel doing that in front of my whole family. I mean I am not ashamed of being gay. At all. I know I am still not out yet but I have declared my reasons not to be out in my first post. But just the idea of two guys marrying is not scary but I just find it petrying to think what it would be like in front of my whole family. And believe my mother is the clone of Norah Walker, the mother in the show. Norah Walker was shocked when her son first told her. But as time has gone by she has accepted it and loves her son the same and went to great lengths to make her son's wedding beautiful. Thats why I sometimes think my life would be so much easier if I had my own brother (from my own mom and dad), older or younger. Then I would not be the only son and I would not have so much responsibilities.

Oh and the guy who plays Scotty has just come out in real life. I hate people speculating and writing about guessing someone famous's sexuality cos its upto the individual how they choose to live their life and I being in the same situation can empathise with them more. But Scotty came out himself and is living the way he wants to. So guys if you ever turn to becoming gossip columnist or reporters please dont write about guessing someone's sexuality. I mean we all do it in our head and we might all talk about it among friends but writing about it in mass media is just wrong. Im not trying to attain a "holier-than-thou-attitude" cos I myself speculate and talk among friends sometimes. But I do it to just strengthen myself and knowing that someone who in the public eye was viewed as this "perfect heterosexual man" is in real life be gay is self affirming. When we talk among friends about someone famous's sexuality, this is how it goes, "Dude, that Tom Cruise is so gay and that Ricky Martin too, there was this thing on the news about it" and when we speak about everyday people it goes like this "That dude is gay - he has been looking at me forever". So yes I am guilty of that. But I would never go and write an article guessing their sexuality on the school newspaper or the national newspaper. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. Im not perfect. Im human.


I will blog about positive gay role models soon. I think its important that we all have someone to look upto.




And this is a photo that was on a website. They have a section called flexer of the day where people send in photos of themselves flexing in front of their mirror. So the other day when I talked about sending in photos, I also meant like these ones. So anyone who wants to send in photos can. Like I said I will not put your names on - but if you want me to then only I will.
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Also there are frat party and house party photos on the top. If any of you dudes have them and want them to be up on here then just send them to me and I will. I will keep your names very confidential. Any guys straight or gay can send in photos. Also if you guys from the midwest are reading you can too. lol. Im not a perv. No really Im not. lol.
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Any guys out there who have questions that are bugging them, then please email me and I will try and answer them. I just want to be able to help guys in my situation if I can. I know that the help will only be for your questions in your mind but its your mind that needs the answers. You need to be focused in your mind, sane in your mind or else the world will be upside down and happy in your mind.
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So giving you guys a little taster for the next post. The next post will be about gay role models and whatever I think about till then. So please keep the comments coming in, send in photos if you want to and send in your questions.
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I also soon want to write about a love story. Love story of me and Brody. I just dont know where to begin.
My email is secretblogin@gmail.com. So just mail everything here.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Being a single twenager, Runaway Groom? and Highschool sweethearts


I get so frustrated and mad sometimes. I mean I hate the fact that Im 21 already. Am I the only one? It just feels like time is running out for me and I feel like I dont have much time to do what I want to do.

And another thing I want to talk about is a certain time at university. It was I think during the beginning of the year and we had to introduce ourselves to our group. Everyone started to introduce themselves and then it was this chick’s turn to do so. So she introduces and tells us the reason for choosing this university and she says, “My high school sweetheart goes here too that’s why I choose this university to be with him”. This hit me hard. It suddenly reminded me of Brody. I so wished that I could say that too. But couldn’t.

Another thing is that when I first hit the 20 mark, I had another issue to deal with. You see, teenage romance intrigues me. I don’t mean when just one of them is a teenager. I mean when both are teenagers. And then I turned 20 and I could not longer be in one. I was not a teenager anymore. I was a twenager. I kind of like kicked myself for rejecting so many hot guys while I was still a teen cos I was in love with Brody. And even though I had told myself I was over him, I really was not. I don’t know what I was running from. I will tell you guys soon all about Brody.

Do a lot of people feel the same way about the issues I have mentioned here or is it just me? Am I just weird like that?

Like I said I had told Kristiano my life story and also about Brody and how I ran away. I also told him how many times I ran away from potential love and how I was running away from him too. Then he named me the “The runaway groom”. Lol. I had never thought about it in this way. And when we decided to not go out with each other anymore – he asked me to stop running someday. He said, “There will be a line of hotties, countless men who will want to be with you – but I hope you will stop running someday soon”. I thought about it. I mean this year at the beginning of college, I told myself that I was not going to reject anyone anymore. My college boasts of 80% good-looking people and I have caught a lot of dudes checking me out on a regular basis. I have fantasized about a couple of them too. But I think I have been so caught up in playing it straight and cover up and getting a name as a ladies-man/Casanova/womanizer/man-slut that I have not yet went out with any guys from my university.

I still miss Brody but I am ready to move on too. I am ready to fall in love again.

P.S. I love you whoever you are.

Lol. How corny. Imagine if my bestbuddycollegestarfootballplayer and my other friends were to see this. lol.

And also if anyone has hot frat boi photos, frat party and house party photos and photos that you would like me to post on here - send them to me. Also if anyone takes photos of themselves flexing in front of their mirror then send them to me too - straight or gay. And if you want me to - I will put up your name and if you dont want me too - I wont put up your name. Also guys the main reason for me to blog is to connect with other dudes like me who are in similar situation. Read my first post and you will know what I mean. Just mail me. And this invitation is not just to guys like me - its to all guys. If you wanna talk about something then mail me with questions and I will try and answer them. And please post comments. Anyone can post comments - with or without a user id. So just let me know that there are people reading. Later dudes.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The questions that bug me


I will soon be telling everyone all abou Brody. My best friend and my love.
But today I wanna address few questions pertaining to my life.

Daninokc talked about wedding question? I sometimes wonder what my family and friends will think about me staying single. I have sex with girls and go out on dates but nothing as a long term. I have nicknames like Man-slut, Casanova, Womaniser, Stallion in college for going out with lots of girls. And sometimes cos of who I am people think I go out with more girls than I really do.

The "hottest and most popular" tag that has been attached to me since middle school
is something I am happy about but there is so much that comes with it. Everyone wants to know who the next hot blonde girl is that I am going out with. A lot of you might be thinking, how can I go out with so many girls when I am gay. Well I do this for a reason. This way people will just end up thinking that I am a "playa" and like al playas I dont like getting into relationships. When my best friends ask me why Im not in a relationship I just tell them that back home I was in love with a girl and we broke up before i moved for university and Im still in love with her so am not in the mood to get into a relationship right now. In reality, its not a girl but a guy. The guy is Brody. I am still in love with him. But I feel like I am ready to move on. Its been three years since I moved away and I think now I am ready to move on. And cos I have this playa image on me and cos I tell people I dont wanna be in a relationship at the moment - but in reality I really want to be in a relationship with a man.

The whole question about wedding is itself daunting. I mean Im only 21 right now but soon my parents will start thinking about my wedding more. As of now i just tell my friends and family that I dont want to get marrie and if i do will do it at 40. They all think Im mad. But I tell them that Im scared of marriage and rather stay with my girlfriend and have kids but not get married. The hardest is thing is that I am the only son and the oldest child. I sometimes think that life would be a lot easier if I had a brother. Then he would take the family line forward. I would not have to worry so much about stuff. But lets see.

My parents see photos of me with girls who I have dated and have had gone out with and mostly just photos with girls at parties. And when my parents see photos with them - they start thinking about marriage possibilties. And they analyse them as if Im going to get married now. And then my parents will find photos where I am in the middle of a group of girls hugging me and my mom gets worried that I might turn out to be like my dad and might be a womaniser even after getting married. For this I just tell her that before getting married I will go out with as many girls as I want and after marriage will be faithful to my wife and never cheat on her. I now life can be very sweet and complex at the same time.

Sometimes I think that I might end up getting married just to cover up or for my family. Or just cos I want to have kids and take the family name forward and live the whole white picket fence dream with a girl instead of a man. But I feel guilty and dont really want to betray a girl who is probably in love with me. I dont think I will be at peace knowing that the girl is in love with me and I am not in love with her. I might love her as a best friend and give her a great life. But will that be good enough. I really want to have kids of my own though. And I dont wanna cheat on her after we get married. So I really dont know how it will work out.

I think about having my own kids a lot. So this is a plan I have devised in my head. And this is an exclusive cos I have never spoken about this to anyone before. You heard it here first. Lol. When I find the guy with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with I really would like to have kids. I know there is an option of adoption but I want my own kids and see a little of part of me. So the plan I have devised is to have it with surrogate mothers. My sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like my guy and his sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like me. This way really we will have our own kids. But then the question in my mind is what will the kids say when they grow up? Will they be happy with the life they have? But I only want to do this when we both are totally sure that we want to spend the rest of our life with each other. I really dont have answers and I really dont know what will happen.

Lets see where life takes me. As of now I plan to just live.

Thanks to daninokc

Just wanted to give a shout out to my bud at daninokc. He has addressed a few questions in his latest blog which I identify with. I also want to thank him for linking my blog. Thanks bud.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Gutsiest Guy Ever

Howdy guys! This is the continuation of “The Pranks” blog. Thanks to Mike for leaving a comment cos now I know that at least someone is reading. So please leave comments if anyone is reading. Even one letter will do. Any letter. Take a pick you have 26 to choose from. Long blog here so sorry if you dont like long blogs but just wanted to make sure I got everything in.

So yes, lets continue. Well as you know about the pranks. This prank had something else in store for me. So I decided to tell Kristiano that I was leaving again. Kristiano believed me again. So he decided to stay and talk for a bit longer. We went on talking till 11 at night. Then we watched TV together. Then physical flirtation started. Kristiano had big guns and I love “big guns”. (For people who don’t know what big guns mean – they mean big biceps, lol). We were both laughing and I started playfully hitting him and he started grabbing my pecs. He was laughing and so was I. A wide grin across my face. Then as I was grabbing his guns he just looked at me and I asked him “You love grabbing my pecs don’t you?” He laughed it off and told me off for saying that. And jokingly, he asked me if I liked it – I laughed it off. Then he went back to his floor and made me promise that I would see him before I leave the next morning. I just told him to wake up really and come down if he wanted to see me. He said he would try.

So I tried to sleep. Then I suddenly heard my phone vibrate. It was an im. I have aim on my mobile. He had somehow found out my aim and had added me. He asked me what I was doing and then he told me that he would miss me. Then he asked me to read an email that he had sent me. It spoke about friendship and how he saw me as one of his dear friends. Then I just flirted with him and told him that he loved grabbing my pecs. Then he said that he knows I loved it too. I laughed. Aim laugh – you know where you go “lol” even for the smallest smile. Then I denied it. Then he said a line that will always stay with me. I will probably remember him as one of the bravest person to have ever come into my life. The one with the most guts. The line he said is “Lets just come forward and say what we both are thinking. Its not like both of us are stupid or blind to not see it”. Every hair on my body stood up, I got goosebumps and my heart raced and I started pressing on my mobile faster. I just said what do you mean. I kept telling him that I did not know what he was talking about. The aim continued till 2 at night. I was not giving in and he kept trying harder. He kept asking me to say it first as he did not want to say it cos I might not say it after he did. The reality is that I was too scared to even hear it. I did not want to hear what I thought he was about to say. Part of this fear came from the fact that I was not leaving at all. I did not know how to face him the next morning – if he said what I thought he was going to say. Then he said, “We both have nothing to lose and a world to gain, so just say it”. Then I asked him how would it matter as I was leaving the next morning. He said “We can at least have a few hours together”. Then I told him that there was no point as they would not let him come down to my floor at 2:14 in the morning. He said he would somehow come down. Then he threatened me that he was coming down. I told him not to. Then he said he will come down, when I say what I was thinking. I was just too scared too and told him I was not thinking anything. I told him I needed to go to sleep, he got angry and told me to stay awake as he has been wiping his eyes and keeping himself awake for the past few hours. Then suddenly my phone broke down. He called my other phone and asked me what happened. I told him and he told me to get online on my laptop and go to meebo and use aim on that. I did. Then we imed on my laptop. He teased me that my phone could not handle the conversation. We went on talking. Well this night ended with me not being able to say anything and him naming me “chicken shyt”. Lol. All I kept thinking was how was I going to face him the next day. I asked him if he would be coming down to say bye and he said he would feel awkward to after what has happened. I asked him to come at 7 am and he said he would try. Then we stopped im- ing and I went off to sleep but he told me that he knew that I would not be able to sleep and that he would not sleep too
---------------------------------------
The next morning I woke up with the feeling that someone had chucked something at me. And it was really early. I woke up and found my sock in my pillow and I looked back and saw him sitting a few feet away from me. I just covered my face with my blanket and smiled. I did not know how I was gonna tell him that I was not leaving. Well we made small talk and did not speak about anything else. I did my best to avoid the night before’s topic altogether. Then we just talked for a bit longer. Then I told him that I had something to say and then told him that I had played a prank on him and that I was not leaving. He just smiled and was mad that I lied to him. But it was a joke. Then we talked for a bit longer. Then he went back upstairs and told me to see him later during therapy. I told him I would be there soon.

After he left, he called me in 5 minutes. And he said “Kiddo, get on aim now”. I told him I couldn’t cos I was busy. But he got mad and told me that he wanted to talk. By the way, I loved him calling me kiddo. So I went on aim and we spoke for longer. He started asking me what was on my mind the night before. I still did not say anything. Then he said he had to know and that if we both said it then we could at least be happy the days we have left. I still insisted on not saying it. Then he said that as I was playing in defense and him in offense he was going to start being in defense too. Sport talk. Then he told me that sometime during the day he would like to continue our conversation.

I went upstairs and did my therapy. Us both in the same room, glancing and knowing but just smiling. At times I would try not looking at him and he would ask me to give me to pound. I would. It was kinda fun and hot knowing that only we knew what we were upto and no one else did. Throughout the day we passed witty remarks but I did everything to not speak about it.
Then night fell and he came to see me downstairs. We talked about stuff. Then I just told him to not talk about anything as I did not want to. Then he got mad. He told me that he wanted to im again tonight. So he went back upstairs with the im saga again. To cut a long set of sweet nothings short – the night ended with him telling me that he had a crush on me and I told him that I was bi and that I did not have a crush on him but liked him. But definitely not as much as he liked me. I know Im mean. Then he asked me what was I thinking of last night. I told him to tell me first and he said he was thinking that if we had said that we liked each other then he would come down and kiss me – no matter what time. Then it was my turn to say what I was thinking and I told him that I was scared that he was going to tell me that he was in love with me. He said he was far from it but had a crush on me – I got mad flirtatiously and told him that was not good enough and that I like people being crazy about me. So yes we ended up telling each other what we were thinking of. He asked me when I started liking him and I told him that I probably flirted with him even before I liked him. Lol. I flirt with everyone like I said. Then to make him mad I told him that it was after Eduardo left and he got mad and said he did not like being anybody’s second dish.

Then the next day came and he hated that I would not talk to his face but would on aim. Then he came down at night and we just talked. Then he asked me once again what I was thinking of the other night. This time I told him the truth and said that I was thinking what I would if he came and down and tried to kiss me. But I said this in a away that reminded me of one of my ex-girlfriends. I got all shy and asked him to hide his face behind a curtain before I would say it. He mocked me for being so kiddish. Then I told him. Then he pulled away the curtains and smiled at me. But I told him to not look at me and just leave. He pulled the curtains of my room. And I just told him to leave without looking. But he saw some people stand outside the door so he turned and said something stupid. I forgot what he said. But it was something about returning something. Then he went to his room and did not come back and we just got on aim. Then this neighbor of mine came into my room and was really friendly and we were talking. He called me and asked me why I was not on yet. I told him that there was a dude in my room talking to me. He got really mad and asked me to get on quick. 10 minutes later he rang and got mad for taking time and I told him that the guy had not left yet. He asked me to ask him to leave. I kinda liked it. Lol. Then later the guy left and we imed and thought I had made up the whole thing about the guys being in my room. I told him that I was not lying and that the guy was just being friendly and asking me if I got porn on my laptop. I also teased him for being jealous. Then we got talking and I asked him why he still had not done anything like kissing me and he said he still did not know how I was going to take it. I told him to make the first move. He wanted to know why. I told him that with girls I made the first move and with guys I liked them making the first move. Yes, I sleep with girls too but I am gay.

The next day there was more flirting. We did not have any therapy sessions together but he asked the therapists to make me do therapy with him. So for most therapies we were together after that. The whole day I put lip balm on my lips hoping he would kiss me that night. He came that night and we talked and then he went to his room and came back to my room later. We were talking and then he looked at my lips and said that I should put some lip balm on as it looked a bit dry. I just wet my lips and just waited and waited. It seemed like an eternity. Then we got talking again. Then he said put some lip balm on your lips. I got really mad but just as I was looking for my lip balm. He pulled me towards him and said no let me wet it. Then he gave me a SMOOCH. Yaaaayyyyy – said the sexually frustrated me. Lol. Then he wetted my lips with his tongue. It was a long smooch. Then we heard a nurse come in so stopped. It was a false alarm. Then he asked me to stop looking so nervous and know what I want. He took my hands and told me that it was ok.

Then the next day we had more therapy sessions together. He
would wink at me when no one would be looking. I loved it. At night we talked more. He sat on a chair and asked me to go and close the curtains. I did and as I was about to get on my bed, he pulled me and sat me on his laps. Then we kissed and he kissed all over my neck and I loved it. Then he groped me and I groped him too. He stroked my ass and then I put my hands down his pants and took his dick out. I just looked at it and made a remark. Lol. Then he start softly touching my ass and my dick. Then I got on bed and we talked about everything. I told him that I hated blowjobs – giving them. Then he asked me if I had ever tried it I said no. Then he said that how could I hate something I never tried. I told him that he could forget it. Lol. Then he asked me if I had ever been fucked. Somehow I found it hard to answer this. It was like someone was questioning my masculinity. But I answered it and said yes. He said kool. Lol kool. Then I asked him if he had ever been fucked and he said he had been done sometimes but mostly he did it. I remembered him telling me a while ago that he had turned into a sex maniac and he slept with lots and lots of girls. I think I even mentioned it in the first blog. So I asked him were they really girls or were they boys. He came clean and told me they were guys. But he had sex with girls too. Then he told me about this guy he was in love with and still is but its not working out. They had started dating while in high school and were in love with each other but a year ago things did not work when the guy moved away. So I told him about my love too. The guy who I am still in love with and have rejected many people for. He said he was fine with that and that it was a good quality to have. I will be talking more about him later. So as I got talking to him and I told him what had been bugging me for a couple of days. Listen up guys, for a couple of days this whole thing between us had been bugging me. I was not in love with Kristiano yet but I was scared. I go to university in a different state and he lives in a different state. I would be leaving in August for university again. I was scared that I would fall in love. And I could not fall in love for five months. For me love is forever. If it was just sex then fine cos I would be getting out of hospital soon and so would he and we could hang out before I left for university. But Kristiano was some with whom I had become friends with before him telling me that he had a crush on me. It was not some person I met at the bar that I could just have sex with and forget about. And also I did not want him falling in love with me and me just leaving at the end of five months knowing that I had left him broken hearted. So I asked him what we should do. He said we should just hang out and have fun and let this be whatever it is supposed to be and give it a chance. And at the end of five months we would have no obligation towards each other. We were not promising anything and it was just fun. That lifted a huge weight off my heart. But he said that whatever happened, we should be best friends. I agreed. He said this cos he knew that I did not have anyone in my life that I could talk about this to and he wanted us to be best friends at least so that I could talk about this part of my life to him. And I told him that I was happy to have talked about this. You see readers, to be honest I did not have a crush on or liked Kristiano so much, I mean he was cute but not my type – what attracted me to him the most was his guts. Cos there have been very few people in my life who have been as brave as he was to tell me what he felt. I even told him that if I had had as much guts as he did I would have been a very happy person. I even told Kristiano that I think it was the hospital and loneliness dependency that made us feel that way. He got mad at me but understood where I was coming from.
Then I spoke to him about the person I was in love with and still am. This guy was my best friend and for this I will just call him Brody. Brody and I went to high school together. I will tell you all about him later but for now I just want to tell you this. I told Kristiano that I hoped I had guts like his cos then I would probably have been able to tell Brody what I felt and if only Brody had had guts like Kristiano’s too. I told Kristiano that I had not spoken to Brody for a year and a half. It hurt me so much. I mean I had moved away but still it was horrible that I had not rung him or anything in the past year and a half. You see, we both had a lot at stake. We both had huge egos but Brody would even step on his ego for me. I neved did that but he did and I get so mad sometimes at myself. Brody contacted me many times but I just did not even reply. And it was terrible. But Kristiano had taught me about guts. I believe everything happens for a reason – for a good reason. And probably Kristiano’s only purpose in my life was to teach me about guts to help me live a little. And then I told Kristiano that him teaching me about guts had made me see that I should email Brody. Even if it was after a year and half. Kristiano was happy cos he felt like he had something to do with me emailing Brody again. And with this knowledge of guts and being brave I wanted to tell Brody everything I wanted to say but had kept in my heart. I thought about telling him that I was in love with him but thought it was best to tell him right now but everything else in my heart he had to know about how sorry I was for not reply to his texts and ignoring him and about everything else too. I wrote the letter and asked Kristiano if he wanted to read it. At first he did not want to cos he wanted it to be private between me and Brody but I asked him to and he did. I mailed Brody and anxiously awaited his reply.

Then me and Kristiano did what we did. Then I asked him if it was ok for me to continue to flirt with the other guys and girls. He said it was ok but he asked me to keep the passion among the both of us only. I laughed. Then I asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he was to come back. Eduardo was supposed to come back for therapy. Kristiano said he would be ok with it but told me to not do anything else. I said ok. And he asked me if I would be ok with him flirting with people – I said I would be fine with it. Kristiano gave me another name “Human Magnet” – lol. Then guess what happened the next day. I went for therapy and guess who I see there – Eduardo. I was so happy and went to tell Kristiano. Kristiano told me he had already seen him. Then I went and hung out with Eduardo. Then later he asked me if I knew Eduardo was coming today. I told him that I didn’t. But he did not believe me cos just the night before I had asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he were to come back and he happened to come back the next day. Freaky.

Another thing I wanted to make sure with Kristiano was if he was still in a relationship with his ex. He told that they were trying to work things out but they had broken up a year ago and things would not work out. I told him that I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up.
My dad cheated on my mom a lot. A lot of women tried breaking my mom and dad up. So I was very touchy about the cheating thing. I might have a lot of one night stands. But when it comes to relationships I am completely faithful and believe in a forever with someone. I hate people cheating and it makes me mad. I like belonging to someone and having the right on someone.
Kristiano assured me that they were not in a relationship and they were just friends. I told him that I think they should try working things out but he said he deserved better. I stopped him from talking bad stuff about his ex with me. I hate it when people do that. If you have been in love with that person then why talk bad about them. So yes, when people talk bad about their ex with me – I don’t like it.

So Kristiano and my relationship continued and he told me everything about him. He told me every single thing and also told me that when I had broken my toe (the one I mentioned in the post “The Pranks” ) he was actually happy. I mean I had told him a few days after that incident that I had faked it and it was to stop the silly water fights. But now he was telling me that when he told me he was sorry and felt bad for breaking my toe – he was actually happy that I had fractured or broken it - cos that meant I would stay in the hospital longer. I told him that was sick. He told me that he had told his godfather about having a crush on me and he told his godfather that he had broken my toe by mistake but was happy cos I would be staying for longer. That asshole. But I like it. Lol. The other thing I like about Kristiano is that he has a few people in his life that knows about him liking guys. Some of his friends know and his godfather knows and one his lady teacher s know too. I envy that about him. The other thing I noticed about the people who came to visit him was that a lot of them were people he had built relation with himself. Like for instance, his godfather, his mentor ( an investment banker), his other aunts and uncles, other families he was very close to. Most of these peoples who loved him so much and cared for him in the hospital were people he had built relationships with himself and they were not his bloodline. I was very impressed with that. And these people truly cared about him a lot.

Some days later my Brody replied. I was so happy. He wrote a long mail saying how he understood and was so happy that I mailed. He wanted to ring me and had tried the number I sent but there was a mistake in the number so he sent me his number and I mailed him saying I was really happy that he mailed and that I would mail him soon. And he was also engaged. I told Kristiano about it. And all he had to say was “At least his means you can move on”. I felt the same way but I told him that it was only an engagement and that he was not married yet. So there was still time. Kristiano laughed. But I really do think that even though I know Im contradicting myself but he is not married yet. So there is still time. Recently I had seen the promos for the latest season of One Tree Hill. And somehow my life looked very similar to what is happening in the show at the moment.

I would always give Kristiano hickies cos I loved seeing him red faced in front of the therapists in the morning when he had no answer for it. I would give him hickies all over his neck and chest. The therapists would be like ”Kristiano, you did not tell me you had a girlfriend?”. And he would just make up some silly excuse. Lol. Sometimes I took off all my clothes and would sit on his lap and not be worried of who might come in. I had my curtains closed. His dick hard and hanging out and he would be touching my ass with his fingers. I just liked sitting on his lap and making out. But I did not want to go all the way and have sex cos every minute we thought someone was walking in and I would have to jump into bed. So I did not want to have sex like that and we just made out. And it was very passionate as we were going at it like wild animals. The next day he told me that he thought I was going to go all the way with him and that he thought “I think this is it”. I told him it was not in my mind cos of reasons mentioned. We made plans to meet up at a hotel after we left the hospital and spend some days together.

Then the day came for me to really leave. We talked till late at night. And I kept extending a day more till I had stayed there four more days than I was supposed to. We hung out a lot the night before and he brought Eduardo and this other girl to hang out with us too and I was furious. I mean I used to hang out with Eduardo a lot and Kristiano used to hate it. And now for the last night he brought Eduardo along. I was mad at him. The next day in therapy we hung out and talked. And while he was doing his therapy with the therapists I just sat on a chair and talked to them and Eduardo was there too. And when they were not looking he would blow a kiss at me. I loved it. Lol. And I think this time one of the therapists noticed. And Kristiano told me that he saw the therapists who we think noticed go and talk to the other therapists and the other therapist was looking at him. So it was very terrifying. So I think a few of the therapists suspected and others thought we were very good friends. So time came for me to leave. I said goodbye to everyone and left. I felt very sad and wanted to cry. But as I was still in the same city I knew I would be coming to visit everyday – but it would create suspicion so we decided it would be best not come too often.

I left and got home and felt very sad so went to sleep. I rang him the same night and we spoke for hours. This went on for days. We would speak for hours but soon he stopped texting me as much and I got mad at him but he told me that he was busy with therapy and I understood. But he would text me really early in the morning and tell me sweet stuff. Then I told that Brody texted me and what Brody said and all that. And then he started texting me even earlier. He told that one day it was a mission for him to text me before Brody did. I thought that was cute! A week later, I went and saw everyone at the hospital. And I saw Kristiano too. Two weeks went by and then I started having second thoughts. So I decided to call it off. I told Kristiano where I was coming from. It was really hard for us. There were times when I just wanted to hold but was not able to. I wanted to kiss him but could not.He was supposed to get out of hospital soon but did not know when. And the other thing was that I was kinda falling for him. And I wanted to save myself before I did. Cos I did not want to fall in love knowing it was only for five months. And I was still not sure if I liked him as much. I still doubted if it was loneliness dependence and all that. And love for me being huge, I did not want to fall without being sure that I wanted to be with this person. I did not want to be with him and still be checking other guys out. If I had not started falling for him then I would not even care about all this and would have just had fun. And I just needed to be sure before falling that yes I want to be with this person. I am sorry but readers please don’t judge for being so complex – but I am just a human being. And I just wanted to make sure I was safe. I have been hurt before. So I went to see him at the hospital and we talked at the restaurant downstairs. I told him everything and asked him to think. I was going to the state in which my university was in for a week to see my friends and for spring break. So I went to see him again the next day cos I wanted to see him before I left. The other reason I thought we should stop was cos I still felt like there was some issues with him and his ex. I was not jealous of them speaking everyday but one day I was. I knew they were just friends. But somehow I felt like there was more to the story and like I said I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up. So with all the reasons, I thought it was best to not be in a relationship with Kristiano. I told him that we had to talk and went and saw him. We spoken in the restaurant I explained all the reasons to him and he told me he completely understood. He seemed relaxed and I asked him to try and work things out with his ex. Then I asked him if I was the reason for them breaking up. I asked him to answer honestly cos it did not matter anymore. He said that they had broken up a year ago but they were trying to work things out. But he felt like it was still not working out. But he told me that yes I was the reason for him to not try and work things out. I had already him that I was going for spring break. But I also told him that I might not be coming after spring break and might just stay there at the state in which my university was in. But that was only if things worked out with apartment and all that and if not I would be back till august. So yes as best friends we could hang out when I come back. But in my head, I needed some space before we could be best friends. Just to remove the feelings. I also told him that he would soon find a person who was 100% into him and did not have doubts like I did. Then I told him I would ring him the next day to say bye as I was leaving in two days.
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I went home and later that night went to a dinner party. It took my mind off Kristiano. Then when I was coming home from the party, my phone vibrated and it was aim from Kristiano. He said he something really urgent to talk about and it was an emergency. I told him that I was on my way home and that I could talk now. Thousands of things ran through my head. I was really worried that something might have happened. Then he said brace yourself. And asked me if I was ready for this. I got really worried. Then he said – I want to be with you – Do you want to be with me? He went on to say that he had spoken to his ex and he was willing to let me talk to him if I needed proof that they were not together anymore. I needed to get a grip on everything so I told him I would talk once I got home.

Then I got home and talked to him. He told me that after I left, he thought about this whole thing and decided to be with me. He told me that he was in love with me. He told me this sometime before too. I told him that I was not in love with him yet but was falling. He had spoken to his ex and his godfather too. He was even willing to have us both talk to each other if I needed proof. I told him that I had to think about this. I told him that I needed sometime and that I would go for spring break for a week and really think about it. He was satisfied with the answer. He said go and have sex with as many guys and girls as you like and then think about it. But he asked me to come and visit him the next day. I tried but I was not able to. He even finished therapy soon and argued with one of his therapists about not doing the last therapy so that he could visit me on time. And we would have more time to spend together. I was not able to go. He kept texting me saying he hoped I would come by. He said he was waiting but I really was not able to go. So the next day I rang him before I left and he picked up even though he was in therapy. He told me that he took his mobile phone with him to the therapy room. When we were somewhat together, I would tell him off for not picking up when I called and he would give me different reasons for not being able to take the mobile to the therapy room. And now on the last day that I was leaving he was able to. Its funny how we humans are. Its only when someone is about to leave or has left that we truly value what we had and recognize what we had. Why cant we humans value it while we still have it? I told him that he finally has the phone on him and he said that he wanted to pick up on the off chance that I rang. We both laughed. He asked me to come back. He told me that he knew I would come back. Then I said bye and got on the plane and flew away.

When I got there I rang him and told him that I landed safely. Then cos of the times difference and everything we spoke less. He would im me but I would not realize till later. He would text me and tell me that he missed me. Then he imed me and cos I was in a club did not feel my phone vibrating. Then he just got mad at me and started saying that he saw how it was and it was ok and all that and just said bye kiddo. I only saw the long im later. Then I rang him and told him that I had not seen it. He understood and we spoke for sometime. Then five days later I decided to return. But I returned only to continue with outpatient rehab till august at the same hospital. I also decided after thinking about it for a long time that it was best I just remained best friends with Kristiano. Cos I would end up falling for him and knowing it was only for five months, it would not have worked. And I was not entirely sure. Also if we did have a relationship and five months later I had to leave, I would be miserable at college. And it would have been so hard for it to work. So I decided I would be there for him as a best friend and would still see him at hospital. So I texted him saying that and he understood. And said he thought it was a good idea too.

So its been nearly a month or two since I got back from spring break. Kristiano is still in hospital. There have been times when I have missed him so much. I used to ring him regularly. I go and see him and everyone at the hospital regularly too. I did not ring him as much as I rung before cos everytime I rang him I missed him. So instead if I did not ring for a week or so, I would not think about him. So I would ring sometimes and talk to him. Sometimes he would im me and tell me it had been long. Then one day he told me that the doctors have said that he needed another surgery. Cos if he did not have it soon it could be fatal. He told me the date of the surgery and asked me not to come as it would be awkward and people might think stuff. I told him that I would say I was a friend and friends are there for each other. But he was too worried. Then I spoke to him the night before his surgery. He was supposed to go into surgery between 8 – 8:30 in the morning. But he would be taken there at around 6 -7 . So I wanted to go and see him at 5 in the morning. I was really nervous and worried. But he asked me not to come on the surgery day and asked me to come the next day. But I could not sleep at all. So I rang the nurse and asked her if she could let me in at 5 if I came. She said she would. I stayed awake till 5 but then I thought it was best not to cos it would be a hard time for him before the surgery. So I decided to go after his surgery on the same day. He had told me that his phone would be with his mom so I rang her and spoke to her. She said he was still not out yet. I asked her where he was and she asked me to come to his room and she would take me to the other room where he was at. Then I called her before I got there and she told me that he was out of there and he was doing good. I got there and he was awake. I was so happy to see him. I was so happy that the surgery went well. We joked for a bit. Then his mom started asking me what I was studying and what I wanted to become and be. I told her and she said now I see where the connection is between you two. And I was like ya we are studying the same thing. And then Kristiano says “Its strictly business”. I got really nervous. I thought that him being under sedation would make him say stuff with realizing. But later he told that he did it to mess with me and get me nervous. Silly ass. That day I just kept flirting with him and wanted to take care of him. We are best friends. But we were scared the parents were gonna think something, so he asked me to back off a bit cos he was worried. Then he jokingly asked me for a bj and then he said he was kidding. Then he said he wanted to be turned to his side so he wanted me to help the nurse to do so and he said you might see penis nothing you have not seen before. Then I stayed till evening and left cos he wanted time alone with his family. I wanted to go see him the next day too but thought It would be best not to. I rang him and spoke to him and he was doing ok. Then I went to see him the day after and his brother was there with him. His brother and I got along really well. I told him all the stories Kristiano had told me about them and we were laughing. I stayed for a few hours then left. I have not rang him since cos I don’t want him to think Im nagging him. Cos of his surgery and everything he was constantly in my mind. But I have not rang him in the past few days. Above all, I am just really glad that his surgery went well. So yes guys, sorry about the freaking long blog. But its nearly 2:18 am and I am just blogging away. I probably sound too complex. No matter what happens tomorrow, I have Kristiano as a friend, as a best friend. I am glad that now I can at least talk to someone about having a crush on a dude. I can at least ring him and talk to him about the guys I like.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Pranks

Hi dudes - firstly thanks to my buddy daninokc for the reply to my email. Now comes the part where I tell all about things going on and things I have been through. But once again I dont know where to start. Well here it begins. Let me start from telling you a bit about what is going on now.

As you all know by reading my first ever post that Im a college kid. But I took this semester off cos of an illness for which I was hospitalized for two months. Well these two months changed me in a lot of ways. I met someone who taught me about courage and being brave and having some guts. After all the ands and buts comes the heart of what I am trying to tell you. I kind of like had a hospital romance. lol. The best kind of therapy one can get.

Well I had just finished my surgery and then was flown into another hospital for rehab. I got there and started hating it. Firstly the floor in which I was in had no private room, which drove my mom nearly mad. Then I told my parents I was ok with having roommates in the hospital. Then for a week I just shut myself out in my own little cubicle and had the curtains closed most of the time. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I just wanted t get better asap and get the hell outta there.

Then after a week or two I started getting out and talking to people on the floor - a lot of kids in my age range 18 -21 and a lot of young kids to the age of 4. lol. Love kids. I started mingling and soon made friends. Soon I started to talk to everyone and this hospital was more like a boarding school. I have been to boarding schools most of my life.

So weeks went by and I had come out of being sedated mostly and was less naseous. I was the usual me - flirting with every single living being - talking to be heard as they say and life was just usual intead I started developing a crush for this dominican kid who was also a patient there. We were roommates and we would talk all the time and soon becam friends. There were two other kids in our room and we were kinda like the older guys. Im not racist or any kind of -ist. But I have never been into gangster wanna-be kids. Well this kid dressed up like a gangster and stuff but he was the most un-gangstery person ever. He admitted that himself. The thing that attracted me to him was his honesty. Soon we became good friends and would flirt with each other endlessly. I mean I never thought he was gay - but like I said - I flirt with every single living being - as told by my friends. But the weird thing was he would flirt back. lol. I did not see a future with him - I did not even think of him as I masturbated in my hospital cubicle but I just liked the idea of flirting with him and him flirting back. lol.

So this went on for ages. All the while there was another Dominican kid in the floor too - him also being one of the older kids around our age. He was 18-19. Now the first guy I talked about and this second could not have been more different. There were just like on the other end of the poles. To avoid confusion lets name the first one Eduardo and the second one Kristiano. Lol. I know they are fake names - but I dont know what else to think of. I am so sorry if anyone gets offended by this. Well Eduardo is the guy I was roommates with and had been flirting with for weeks now. Them both could not have been more different from each other. The only similarity they both were Dominican. Differences were they looked nothing like each other, Kristiano had nothing gangstery about him and was finishing from a very prestigious school. If Eduardo is gangstery - well wannabe anyways- lol - Kristiano was very sophisticated. Kristiano was very well educated on top of that. He had done internships in one of the most prestigious firms in new york while still in high school. Eduardo was just one of the kids but Kristiano was the dude who even the doctors listened to and not only the doctors but the therapists, the nurses and everyone else. Everyone listened to Kristiano and he had an air of authority. He got away with everything. Well enough with the description.

All the while that I had been flirting with Eduardo - I had started becoming better friends with Kristiano. Ya, I used to flirt with Kristiano too but it was just me being me - I did not like him in that way. Then the day came when the doctor decided to send me to a different floor. Eduardo was sad and so was the rest of the floor. I was so irritated. They were finally sending me to a bigger room but it was in a different floor. Needless to say I was mad. But my mom and dad were happy cos it was a big room all to myself. But the only good thing was that I was still allowed to come to my old floor for rehab. So everything stayed the same.

Everyday Eduardo and my other roommates and Kristiano would come to visit me. Eduardo and I became closer. I always feel like he had started feeling something too but I never found out. Time came for Eduardo to go home. It was horrible. The day that Eduardo left I just sat and did nothing. I just felt so sad. Then I started hanging out with my other old roommate who I used to hang out with a lot and I started getting closer to Kristiano. Kristiano and I became very close. Kristiano had started teaching all the kids to have water fights with needleless syringes. Soon enough, the whole floor was in a huge water fight. Then they would come to my floor and squirt water at me and run back up. This would go on for days. One day not getting enough sleep I got really mad of the childishness. It was annoying. So after Kristiano had come down to my floor and squirted me with water for the 5th time. I went to his room and did the same to him. We were the only two guys who got away with anything. We were never told off for it. The water fight went on and I was getting tired and I needed some sleep. So when Kristiano was chasing me I decided to fake a toe break. lol. I just pretended that Kristiano had got my toe caught between two chairs when he pushed me. I shouted really loud and grimaced in fake pain. Kristiano was scared of the pain I was in. I just kept telling him to take the tangled chair off me and kept shouting and he kept saying Im so sorry. Then I told him I had to go to my floor and get a nurse to look at it. I got into the elevator and let out a big shout - so that Kristiano would hear it and he would think it was authentic. Then I got downstairs and quickly got a nurse to bring me a big cotton wool and bandages. I put a big cotton on my big toe and bandaged it several times. Then I waited for Kristiano to come and see my bandage. Then I would tell him that this water fights had to stop. It was already 1 at night but I knew Kristiano being the guy who no one could say anything to - even if he was in the "little kids and teenagers and young adults floor". Soon enough he came down and saw the huge bandage on my toe and believed me. Then I made him promise that we would stop all these water fights. Cos I was getting tired of it all - I mean I know we were on the kids floor but we wear nearing our 21's. We were the young adults as referred to by the doctors. Kristiano was a fully grown unshaven man. So was Eduardo. A lot of times I wondered how they even placed us all in the kids floor. So the next day after the fake toe thing - Kristiano saw me and cringed and asked me if my toe was hurting. And he also asked me what was the x-ray report for my toe and if it was broken. I told him that the doctors said it was not broken but it was bleeding. lol. I know I just had to lie to stop that annoying water fight. We were not at a clubhouse. We were at a hospital. I wanted to rest.

As time went on - me and Kristiano became very close and we would flirt endlessly. He would flirt back too. All the time. I would catch him looking at me many times. It went on and on. Then one day I lied to him that I was being discharged and he got all sad. It was late at night and he told me he had to go to his floor to get something and would be back soon. I kept ringin him to come soon and he did. He brought me a card. He had written a letter inside of it. It was all very friendly and he said we should always be friends and I should keep visiting them at the hospital. So it was all very nice. Then I looked at him and asked him if it was a love letter - to which he replied no and laughed. I laughed too. He made me promise that I would not show it to anyone. Then I told him I just lied about the leaving part and told him it was a prank. He was mad but soon he cool with i. Then we talked for ages. It was 1 at night and his nurses from his floor called him to go to bed - but he just told them he would be there later and they said ok. Now this was a hospital and it was 1 at night and they still listened to him. We decided to tell each other things from our life. He told me everything upto his surgery. He turned out to be a sex maniac - lol. He told me that he used to sleep with lots and lots of girls and how things were getting too much and he saw this surgery as a sign to slow down. Then I told him about my life and I went to bed and he did too.

Then soon we went on to flirt physically. I think the fact that Eduardo had left had made us closer. Then I played a prank on him once more about me leaving and then he did the same to me. I would catch him lookin at me many times. I did not have a crush on him but I think I just liked flirting with him. I dont know if it was the hospital and loneliness. Then I played a prank. Yes the same one where I told him I was leaving. But the results to this turned out very differently.

Guys its nearly 4 here in New York and Im so sleepy. I will continue the story tomorrow. If anyone is reading. Hehe.