Monday, May 12, 2008

The Gutsiest Guy Ever

Howdy guys! This is the continuation of “The Pranks” blog. Thanks to Mike for leaving a comment cos now I know that at least someone is reading. So please leave comments if anyone is reading. Even one letter will do. Any letter. Take a pick you have 26 to choose from. Long blog here so sorry if you dont like long blogs but just wanted to make sure I got everything in.

So yes, lets continue. Well as you know about the pranks. This prank had something else in store for me. So I decided to tell Kristiano that I was leaving again. Kristiano believed me again. So he decided to stay and talk for a bit longer. We went on talking till 11 at night. Then we watched TV together. Then physical flirtation started. Kristiano had big guns and I love “big guns”. (For people who don’t know what big guns mean – they mean big biceps, lol). We were both laughing and I started playfully hitting him and he started grabbing my pecs. He was laughing and so was I. A wide grin across my face. Then as I was grabbing his guns he just looked at me and I asked him “You love grabbing my pecs don’t you?” He laughed it off and told me off for saying that. And jokingly, he asked me if I liked it – I laughed it off. Then he went back to his floor and made me promise that I would see him before I leave the next morning. I just told him to wake up really and come down if he wanted to see me. He said he would try.

So I tried to sleep. Then I suddenly heard my phone vibrate. It was an im. I have aim on my mobile. He had somehow found out my aim and had added me. He asked me what I was doing and then he told me that he would miss me. Then he asked me to read an email that he had sent me. It spoke about friendship and how he saw me as one of his dear friends. Then I just flirted with him and told him that he loved grabbing my pecs. Then he said that he knows I loved it too. I laughed. Aim laugh – you know where you go “lol” even for the smallest smile. Then I denied it. Then he said a line that will always stay with me. I will probably remember him as one of the bravest person to have ever come into my life. The one with the most guts. The line he said is “Lets just come forward and say what we both are thinking. Its not like both of us are stupid or blind to not see it”. Every hair on my body stood up, I got goosebumps and my heart raced and I started pressing on my mobile faster. I just said what do you mean. I kept telling him that I did not know what he was talking about. The aim continued till 2 at night. I was not giving in and he kept trying harder. He kept asking me to say it first as he did not want to say it cos I might not say it after he did. The reality is that I was too scared to even hear it. I did not want to hear what I thought he was about to say. Part of this fear came from the fact that I was not leaving at all. I did not know how to face him the next morning – if he said what I thought he was going to say. Then he said, “We both have nothing to lose and a world to gain, so just say it”. Then I asked him how would it matter as I was leaving the next morning. He said “We can at least have a few hours together”. Then I told him that there was no point as they would not let him come down to my floor at 2:14 in the morning. He said he would somehow come down. Then he threatened me that he was coming down. I told him not to. Then he said he will come down, when I say what I was thinking. I was just too scared too and told him I was not thinking anything. I told him I needed to go to sleep, he got angry and told me to stay awake as he has been wiping his eyes and keeping himself awake for the past few hours. Then suddenly my phone broke down. He called my other phone and asked me what happened. I told him and he told me to get online on my laptop and go to meebo and use aim on that. I did. Then we imed on my laptop. He teased me that my phone could not handle the conversation. We went on talking. Well this night ended with me not being able to say anything and him naming me “chicken shyt”. Lol. All I kept thinking was how was I going to face him the next day. I asked him if he would be coming down to say bye and he said he would feel awkward to after what has happened. I asked him to come at 7 am and he said he would try. Then we stopped im- ing and I went off to sleep but he told me that he knew that I would not be able to sleep and that he would not sleep too
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The next morning I woke up with the feeling that someone had chucked something at me. And it was really early. I woke up and found my sock in my pillow and I looked back and saw him sitting a few feet away from me. I just covered my face with my blanket and smiled. I did not know how I was gonna tell him that I was not leaving. Well we made small talk and did not speak about anything else. I did my best to avoid the night before’s topic altogether. Then we just talked for a bit longer. Then I told him that I had something to say and then told him that I had played a prank on him and that I was not leaving. He just smiled and was mad that I lied to him. But it was a joke. Then we talked for a bit longer. Then he went back upstairs and told me to see him later during therapy. I told him I would be there soon.

After he left, he called me in 5 minutes. And he said “Kiddo, get on aim now”. I told him I couldn’t cos I was busy. But he got mad and told me that he wanted to talk. By the way, I loved him calling me kiddo. So I went on aim and we spoke for longer. He started asking me what was on my mind the night before. I still did not say anything. Then he said he had to know and that if we both said it then we could at least be happy the days we have left. I still insisted on not saying it. Then he said that as I was playing in defense and him in offense he was going to start being in defense too. Sport talk. Then he told me that sometime during the day he would like to continue our conversation.

I went upstairs and did my therapy. Us both in the same room, glancing and knowing but just smiling. At times I would try not looking at him and he would ask me to give me to pound. I would. It was kinda fun and hot knowing that only we knew what we were upto and no one else did. Throughout the day we passed witty remarks but I did everything to not speak about it.
Then night fell and he came to see me downstairs. We talked about stuff. Then I just told him to not talk about anything as I did not want to. Then he got mad. He told me that he wanted to im again tonight. So he went back upstairs with the im saga again. To cut a long set of sweet nothings short – the night ended with him telling me that he had a crush on me and I told him that I was bi and that I did not have a crush on him but liked him. But definitely not as much as he liked me. I know Im mean. Then he asked me what was I thinking of last night. I told him to tell me first and he said he was thinking that if we had said that we liked each other then he would come down and kiss me – no matter what time. Then it was my turn to say what I was thinking and I told him that I was scared that he was going to tell me that he was in love with me. He said he was far from it but had a crush on me – I got mad flirtatiously and told him that was not good enough and that I like people being crazy about me. So yes we ended up telling each other what we were thinking of. He asked me when I started liking him and I told him that I probably flirted with him even before I liked him. Lol. I flirt with everyone like I said. Then to make him mad I told him that it was after Eduardo left and he got mad and said he did not like being anybody’s second dish.

Then the next day came and he hated that I would not talk to his face but would on aim. Then he came down at night and we just talked. Then he asked me once again what I was thinking of the other night. This time I told him the truth and said that I was thinking what I would if he came and down and tried to kiss me. But I said this in a away that reminded me of one of my ex-girlfriends. I got all shy and asked him to hide his face behind a curtain before I would say it. He mocked me for being so kiddish. Then I told him. Then he pulled away the curtains and smiled at me. But I told him to not look at me and just leave. He pulled the curtains of my room. And I just told him to leave without looking. But he saw some people stand outside the door so he turned and said something stupid. I forgot what he said. But it was something about returning something. Then he went to his room and did not come back and we just got on aim. Then this neighbor of mine came into my room and was really friendly and we were talking. He called me and asked me why I was not on yet. I told him that there was a dude in my room talking to me. He got really mad and asked me to get on quick. 10 minutes later he rang and got mad for taking time and I told him that the guy had not left yet. He asked me to ask him to leave. I kinda liked it. Lol. Then later the guy left and we imed and thought I had made up the whole thing about the guys being in my room. I told him that I was not lying and that the guy was just being friendly and asking me if I got porn on my laptop. I also teased him for being jealous. Then we got talking and I asked him why he still had not done anything like kissing me and he said he still did not know how I was going to take it. I told him to make the first move. He wanted to know why. I told him that with girls I made the first move and with guys I liked them making the first move. Yes, I sleep with girls too but I am gay.

The next day there was more flirting. We did not have any therapy sessions together but he asked the therapists to make me do therapy with him. So for most therapies we were together after that. The whole day I put lip balm on my lips hoping he would kiss me that night. He came that night and we talked and then he went to his room and came back to my room later. We were talking and then he looked at my lips and said that I should put some lip balm on as it looked a bit dry. I just wet my lips and just waited and waited. It seemed like an eternity. Then we got talking again. Then he said put some lip balm on your lips. I got really mad but just as I was looking for my lip balm. He pulled me towards him and said no let me wet it. Then he gave me a SMOOCH. Yaaaayyyyy – said the sexually frustrated me. Lol. Then he wetted my lips with his tongue. It was a long smooch. Then we heard a nurse come in so stopped. It was a false alarm. Then he asked me to stop looking so nervous and know what I want. He took my hands and told me that it was ok.

Then the next day we had more therapy sessions together. He
would wink at me when no one would be looking. I loved it. At night we talked more. He sat on a chair and asked me to go and close the curtains. I did and as I was about to get on my bed, he pulled me and sat me on his laps. Then we kissed and he kissed all over my neck and I loved it. Then he groped me and I groped him too. He stroked my ass and then I put my hands down his pants and took his dick out. I just looked at it and made a remark. Lol. Then he start softly touching my ass and my dick. Then I got on bed and we talked about everything. I told him that I hated blowjobs – giving them. Then he asked me if I had ever tried it I said no. Then he said that how could I hate something I never tried. I told him that he could forget it. Lol. Then he asked me if I had ever been fucked. Somehow I found it hard to answer this. It was like someone was questioning my masculinity. But I answered it and said yes. He said kool. Lol kool. Then I asked him if he had ever been fucked and he said he had been done sometimes but mostly he did it. I remembered him telling me a while ago that he had turned into a sex maniac and he slept with lots and lots of girls. I think I even mentioned it in the first blog. So I asked him were they really girls or were they boys. He came clean and told me they were guys. But he had sex with girls too. Then he told me about this guy he was in love with and still is but its not working out. They had started dating while in high school and were in love with each other but a year ago things did not work when the guy moved away. So I told him about my love too. The guy who I am still in love with and have rejected many people for. He said he was fine with that and that it was a good quality to have. I will be talking more about him later. So as I got talking to him and I told him what had been bugging me for a couple of days. Listen up guys, for a couple of days this whole thing between us had been bugging me. I was not in love with Kristiano yet but I was scared. I go to university in a different state and he lives in a different state. I would be leaving in August for university again. I was scared that I would fall in love. And I could not fall in love for five months. For me love is forever. If it was just sex then fine cos I would be getting out of hospital soon and so would he and we could hang out before I left for university. But Kristiano was some with whom I had become friends with before him telling me that he had a crush on me. It was not some person I met at the bar that I could just have sex with and forget about. And also I did not want him falling in love with me and me just leaving at the end of five months knowing that I had left him broken hearted. So I asked him what we should do. He said we should just hang out and have fun and let this be whatever it is supposed to be and give it a chance. And at the end of five months we would have no obligation towards each other. We were not promising anything and it was just fun. That lifted a huge weight off my heart. But he said that whatever happened, we should be best friends. I agreed. He said this cos he knew that I did not have anyone in my life that I could talk about this to and he wanted us to be best friends at least so that I could talk about this part of my life to him. And I told him that I was happy to have talked about this. You see readers, to be honest I did not have a crush on or liked Kristiano so much, I mean he was cute but not my type – what attracted me to him the most was his guts. Cos there have been very few people in my life who have been as brave as he was to tell me what he felt. I even told him that if I had had as much guts as he did I would have been a very happy person. I even told Kristiano that I think it was the hospital and loneliness dependency that made us feel that way. He got mad at me but understood where I was coming from.
Then I spoke to him about the person I was in love with and still am. This guy was my best friend and for this I will just call him Brody. Brody and I went to high school together. I will tell you all about him later but for now I just want to tell you this. I told Kristiano that I hoped I had guts like his cos then I would probably have been able to tell Brody what I felt and if only Brody had had guts like Kristiano’s too. I told Kristiano that I had not spoken to Brody for a year and a half. It hurt me so much. I mean I had moved away but still it was horrible that I had not rung him or anything in the past year and a half. You see, we both had a lot at stake. We both had huge egos but Brody would even step on his ego for me. I neved did that but he did and I get so mad sometimes at myself. Brody contacted me many times but I just did not even reply. And it was terrible. But Kristiano had taught me about guts. I believe everything happens for a reason – for a good reason. And probably Kristiano’s only purpose in my life was to teach me about guts to help me live a little. And then I told Kristiano that him teaching me about guts had made me see that I should email Brody. Even if it was after a year and half. Kristiano was happy cos he felt like he had something to do with me emailing Brody again. And with this knowledge of guts and being brave I wanted to tell Brody everything I wanted to say but had kept in my heart. I thought about telling him that I was in love with him but thought it was best to tell him right now but everything else in my heart he had to know about how sorry I was for not reply to his texts and ignoring him and about everything else too. I wrote the letter and asked Kristiano if he wanted to read it. At first he did not want to cos he wanted it to be private between me and Brody but I asked him to and he did. I mailed Brody and anxiously awaited his reply.

Then me and Kristiano did what we did. Then I asked him if it was ok for me to continue to flirt with the other guys and girls. He said it was ok but he asked me to keep the passion among the both of us only. I laughed. Then I asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he was to come back. Eduardo was supposed to come back for therapy. Kristiano said he would be ok with it but told me to not do anything else. I said ok. And he asked me if I would be ok with him flirting with people – I said I would be fine with it. Kristiano gave me another name “Human Magnet” – lol. Then guess what happened the next day. I went for therapy and guess who I see there – Eduardo. I was so happy and went to tell Kristiano. Kristiano told me he had already seen him. Then I went and hung out with Eduardo. Then later he asked me if I knew Eduardo was coming today. I told him that I didn’t. But he did not believe me cos just the night before I had asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he were to come back and he happened to come back the next day. Freaky.

Another thing I wanted to make sure with Kristiano was if he was still in a relationship with his ex. He told that they were trying to work things out but they had broken up a year ago and things would not work out. I told him that I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up.
My dad cheated on my mom a lot. A lot of women tried breaking my mom and dad up. So I was very touchy about the cheating thing. I might have a lot of one night stands. But when it comes to relationships I am completely faithful and believe in a forever with someone. I hate people cheating and it makes me mad. I like belonging to someone and having the right on someone.
Kristiano assured me that they were not in a relationship and they were just friends. I told him that I think they should try working things out but he said he deserved better. I stopped him from talking bad stuff about his ex with me. I hate it when people do that. If you have been in love with that person then why talk bad about them. So yes, when people talk bad about their ex with me – I don’t like it.

So Kristiano and my relationship continued and he told me everything about him. He told me every single thing and also told me that when I had broken my toe (the one I mentioned in the post “The Pranks” ) he was actually happy. I mean I had told him a few days after that incident that I had faked it and it was to stop the silly water fights. But now he was telling me that when he told me he was sorry and felt bad for breaking my toe – he was actually happy that I had fractured or broken it - cos that meant I would stay in the hospital longer. I told him that was sick. He told me that he had told his godfather about having a crush on me and he told his godfather that he had broken my toe by mistake but was happy cos I would be staying for longer. That asshole. But I like it. Lol. The other thing I like about Kristiano is that he has a few people in his life that knows about him liking guys. Some of his friends know and his godfather knows and one his lady teacher s know too. I envy that about him. The other thing I noticed about the people who came to visit him was that a lot of them were people he had built relation with himself. Like for instance, his godfather, his mentor ( an investment banker), his other aunts and uncles, other families he was very close to. Most of these peoples who loved him so much and cared for him in the hospital were people he had built relationships with himself and they were not his bloodline. I was very impressed with that. And these people truly cared about him a lot.

Some days later my Brody replied. I was so happy. He wrote a long mail saying how he understood and was so happy that I mailed. He wanted to ring me and had tried the number I sent but there was a mistake in the number so he sent me his number and I mailed him saying I was really happy that he mailed and that I would mail him soon. And he was also engaged. I told Kristiano about it. And all he had to say was “At least his means you can move on”. I felt the same way but I told him that it was only an engagement and that he was not married yet. So there was still time. Kristiano laughed. But I really do think that even though I know Im contradicting myself but he is not married yet. So there is still time. Recently I had seen the promos for the latest season of One Tree Hill. And somehow my life looked very similar to what is happening in the show at the moment.

I would always give Kristiano hickies cos I loved seeing him red faced in front of the therapists in the morning when he had no answer for it. I would give him hickies all over his neck and chest. The therapists would be like ”Kristiano, you did not tell me you had a girlfriend?”. And he would just make up some silly excuse. Lol. Sometimes I took off all my clothes and would sit on his lap and not be worried of who might come in. I had my curtains closed. His dick hard and hanging out and he would be touching my ass with his fingers. I just liked sitting on his lap and making out. But I did not want to go all the way and have sex cos every minute we thought someone was walking in and I would have to jump into bed. So I did not want to have sex like that and we just made out. And it was very passionate as we were going at it like wild animals. The next day he told me that he thought I was going to go all the way with him and that he thought “I think this is it”. I told him it was not in my mind cos of reasons mentioned. We made plans to meet up at a hotel after we left the hospital and spend some days together.

Then the day came for me to really leave. We talked till late at night. And I kept extending a day more till I had stayed there four more days than I was supposed to. We hung out a lot the night before and he brought Eduardo and this other girl to hang out with us too and I was furious. I mean I used to hang out with Eduardo a lot and Kristiano used to hate it. And now for the last night he brought Eduardo along. I was mad at him. The next day in therapy we hung out and talked. And while he was doing his therapy with the therapists I just sat on a chair and talked to them and Eduardo was there too. And when they were not looking he would blow a kiss at me. I loved it. Lol. And I think this time one of the therapists noticed. And Kristiano told me that he saw the therapists who we think noticed go and talk to the other therapists and the other therapist was looking at him. So it was very terrifying. So I think a few of the therapists suspected and others thought we were very good friends. So time came for me to leave. I said goodbye to everyone and left. I felt very sad and wanted to cry. But as I was still in the same city I knew I would be coming to visit everyday – but it would create suspicion so we decided it would be best not come too often.

I left and got home and felt very sad so went to sleep. I rang him the same night and we spoke for hours. This went on for days. We would speak for hours but soon he stopped texting me as much and I got mad at him but he told me that he was busy with therapy and I understood. But he would text me really early in the morning and tell me sweet stuff. Then I told that Brody texted me and what Brody said and all that. And then he started texting me even earlier. He told that one day it was a mission for him to text me before Brody did. I thought that was cute! A week later, I went and saw everyone at the hospital. And I saw Kristiano too. Two weeks went by and then I started having second thoughts. So I decided to call it off. I told Kristiano where I was coming from. It was really hard for us. There were times when I just wanted to hold but was not able to. I wanted to kiss him but could not.He was supposed to get out of hospital soon but did not know when. And the other thing was that I was kinda falling for him. And I wanted to save myself before I did. Cos I did not want to fall in love knowing it was only for five months. And I was still not sure if I liked him as much. I still doubted if it was loneliness dependence and all that. And love for me being huge, I did not want to fall without being sure that I wanted to be with this person. I did not want to be with him and still be checking other guys out. If I had not started falling for him then I would not even care about all this and would have just had fun. And I just needed to be sure before falling that yes I want to be with this person. I am sorry but readers please don’t judge for being so complex – but I am just a human being. And I just wanted to make sure I was safe. I have been hurt before. So I went to see him at the hospital and we talked at the restaurant downstairs. I told him everything and asked him to think. I was going to the state in which my university was in for a week to see my friends and for spring break. So I went to see him again the next day cos I wanted to see him before I left. The other reason I thought we should stop was cos I still felt like there was some issues with him and his ex. I was not jealous of them speaking everyday but one day I was. I knew they were just friends. But somehow I felt like there was more to the story and like I said I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up. So with all the reasons, I thought it was best to not be in a relationship with Kristiano. I told him that we had to talk and went and saw him. We spoken in the restaurant I explained all the reasons to him and he told me he completely understood. He seemed relaxed and I asked him to try and work things out with his ex. Then I asked him if I was the reason for them breaking up. I asked him to answer honestly cos it did not matter anymore. He said that they had broken up a year ago but they were trying to work things out. But he felt like it was still not working out. But he told me that yes I was the reason for him to not try and work things out. I had already him that I was going for spring break. But I also told him that I might not be coming after spring break and might just stay there at the state in which my university was in. But that was only if things worked out with apartment and all that and if not I would be back till august. So yes as best friends we could hang out when I come back. But in my head, I needed some space before we could be best friends. Just to remove the feelings. I also told him that he would soon find a person who was 100% into him and did not have doubts like I did. Then I told him I would ring him the next day to say bye as I was leaving in two days.
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I went home and later that night went to a dinner party. It took my mind off Kristiano. Then when I was coming home from the party, my phone vibrated and it was aim from Kristiano. He said he something really urgent to talk about and it was an emergency. I told him that I was on my way home and that I could talk now. Thousands of things ran through my head. I was really worried that something might have happened. Then he said brace yourself. And asked me if I was ready for this. I got really worried. Then he said – I want to be with you – Do you want to be with me? He went on to say that he had spoken to his ex and he was willing to let me talk to him if I needed proof that they were not together anymore. I needed to get a grip on everything so I told him I would talk once I got home.

Then I got home and talked to him. He told me that after I left, he thought about this whole thing and decided to be with me. He told me that he was in love with me. He told me this sometime before too. I told him that I was not in love with him yet but was falling. He had spoken to his ex and his godfather too. He was even willing to have us both talk to each other if I needed proof. I told him that I had to think about this. I told him that I needed sometime and that I would go for spring break for a week and really think about it. He was satisfied with the answer. He said go and have sex with as many guys and girls as you like and then think about it. But he asked me to come and visit him the next day. I tried but I was not able to. He even finished therapy soon and argued with one of his therapists about not doing the last therapy so that he could visit me on time. And we would have more time to spend together. I was not able to go. He kept texting me saying he hoped I would come by. He said he was waiting but I really was not able to go. So the next day I rang him before I left and he picked up even though he was in therapy. He told me that he took his mobile phone with him to the therapy room. When we were somewhat together, I would tell him off for not picking up when I called and he would give me different reasons for not being able to take the mobile to the therapy room. And now on the last day that I was leaving he was able to. Its funny how we humans are. Its only when someone is about to leave or has left that we truly value what we had and recognize what we had. Why cant we humans value it while we still have it? I told him that he finally has the phone on him and he said that he wanted to pick up on the off chance that I rang. We both laughed. He asked me to come back. He told me that he knew I would come back. Then I said bye and got on the plane and flew away.

When I got there I rang him and told him that I landed safely. Then cos of the times difference and everything we spoke less. He would im me but I would not realize till later. He would text me and tell me that he missed me. Then he imed me and cos I was in a club did not feel my phone vibrating. Then he just got mad at me and started saying that he saw how it was and it was ok and all that and just said bye kiddo. I only saw the long im later. Then I rang him and told him that I had not seen it. He understood and we spoke for sometime. Then five days later I decided to return. But I returned only to continue with outpatient rehab till august at the same hospital. I also decided after thinking about it for a long time that it was best I just remained best friends with Kristiano. Cos I would end up falling for him and knowing it was only for five months, it would not have worked. And I was not entirely sure. Also if we did have a relationship and five months later I had to leave, I would be miserable at college. And it would have been so hard for it to work. So I decided I would be there for him as a best friend and would still see him at hospital. So I texted him saying that and he understood. And said he thought it was a good idea too.

So its been nearly a month or two since I got back from spring break. Kristiano is still in hospital. There have been times when I have missed him so much. I used to ring him regularly. I go and see him and everyone at the hospital regularly too. I did not ring him as much as I rung before cos everytime I rang him I missed him. So instead if I did not ring for a week or so, I would not think about him. So I would ring sometimes and talk to him. Sometimes he would im me and tell me it had been long. Then one day he told me that the doctors have said that he needed another surgery. Cos if he did not have it soon it could be fatal. He told me the date of the surgery and asked me not to come as it would be awkward and people might think stuff. I told him that I would say I was a friend and friends are there for each other. But he was too worried. Then I spoke to him the night before his surgery. He was supposed to go into surgery between 8 – 8:30 in the morning. But he would be taken there at around 6 -7 . So I wanted to go and see him at 5 in the morning. I was really nervous and worried. But he asked me not to come on the surgery day and asked me to come the next day. But I could not sleep at all. So I rang the nurse and asked her if she could let me in at 5 if I came. She said she would. I stayed awake till 5 but then I thought it was best not to cos it would be a hard time for him before the surgery. So I decided to go after his surgery on the same day. He had told me that his phone would be with his mom so I rang her and spoke to her. She said he was still not out yet. I asked her where he was and she asked me to come to his room and she would take me to the other room where he was at. Then I called her before I got there and she told me that he was out of there and he was doing good. I got there and he was awake. I was so happy to see him. I was so happy that the surgery went well. We joked for a bit. Then his mom started asking me what I was studying and what I wanted to become and be. I told her and she said now I see where the connection is between you two. And I was like ya we are studying the same thing. And then Kristiano says “Its strictly business”. I got really nervous. I thought that him being under sedation would make him say stuff with realizing. But later he told that he did it to mess with me and get me nervous. Silly ass. That day I just kept flirting with him and wanted to take care of him. We are best friends. But we were scared the parents were gonna think something, so he asked me to back off a bit cos he was worried. Then he jokingly asked me for a bj and then he said he was kidding. Then he said he wanted to be turned to his side so he wanted me to help the nurse to do so and he said you might see penis nothing you have not seen before. Then I stayed till evening and left cos he wanted time alone with his family. I wanted to go see him the next day too but thought It would be best not to. I rang him and spoke to him and he was doing ok. Then I went to see him the day after and his brother was there with him. His brother and I got along really well. I told him all the stories Kristiano had told me about them and we were laughing. I stayed for a few hours then left. I have not rang him since cos I don’t want him to think Im nagging him. Cos of his surgery and everything he was constantly in my mind. But I have not rang him in the past few days. Above all, I am just really glad that his surgery went well. So yes guys, sorry about the freaking long blog. But its nearly 2:18 am and I am just blogging away. I probably sound too complex. No matter what happens tomorrow, I have Kristiano as a friend, as a best friend. I am glad that now I can at least talk to someone about having a crush on a dude. I can at least ring him and talk to him about the guys I like.

9 comments:

dan said...

hey blogger.
I came back to finish this post after beginning it last night before bed... wow, long but so good. love hearing it all. great post. you are one disciplined mutha. keep it up. later.
ps, man I go crazy for latin guys, this post was killing me.. ha

secret blogger said...

thank you danny - it feels so good to know that you are readin my long blogs. talk to ya soon.

Grand said...

hey man, loved your post even though it was so long. lol

i wish i could talk about that kind of stuff with one of my best friends.

can't wait to read more of your stuff =)

Anonymous Blogger said...

you're really lucky that you have someone that you can talk to

Aek said...

Wow, that was long . . .

But I'm glad it had a happy ending.

LHOOQ said...

PopDude --

That was a long post and I didn't get all the way through it, but here are some thoughts (if they're off it's because I didn't read everything). You have an awesome life. It's hard to be gay and even harder to be in the closet. But those are not some secret under-layers that invalidate the rest of your life: they just all exist side-by-side, some good some bad. For one, you sound gorgeous. When I came out, no one even shrugged. Part of that is that I'm attracted to shy guys (and can be shy myself), but in reality I'm sure you're better looking than me. I'm sort lean-twink cute. You sound like a greek god. Your sex life also sounds better now in the closet than mine is outside. When you come out, they'll line up behind you (hehe). Don't forget that you're lucky for that.

When you come out, people may try to pretend like the only real thing is your sexuality, like your life is one thing -- your sexuality -- instead of many, like every time you gabbed about what was interesting to you for hours with them or rushed to get dinner so you wouldn't miss a favorite TV show with them wasn't real but your sexuality is real and you hid that from them so they're mad. Tell them it's all real.

We sound like very different people: in my world, "therapy" means a shrink (to be fair, my mom is one). In fact, I think that's kind why I'm doing this: I need to work on my issues through people and pay forward the amazing help I got. Anyway, I was a drama nerd in high school, and I'm sort of an English/journalism one now (in college). Point is, even still, you sound cool. I'd go for a beer with you. And the point is I feel for you man and YES we out here are reading.

Kirby said...

Hey dude, I really enjoyed reading your blog entries. I've only msde it through the first two, but I can definitely relate!

Keep up the good work; I love reading self discovery in issues which I all am continually self discovering.

Thanks.

secret blogger said...

I never replied to the comment made by lhooq on this post. so here it is.

lhooq - firstly thanks for your compliments. I love shy guys - by shy I mean the strong silent type. The only trouble is that even if they are lined up for me - I am too busy trying to run. lol. Also by therapy - I do not mean a "shrink" - I mean physical therapy. I mean they had provided me with a psychiatrist who would come and see me all the time but I would talk to the dude so much that he would always sing praises about me to his staff. I mean we would talk about stuff like world issues and religion and soceity instead of about my health. lol. Im glad you have had such loving parents. I would love to go for a beer with you too. But sadly that would make me out. And thanks for feeling for me. I have not gotten any mail or comments from you. Are you still reading? Would love to hear from you.

BeautifulMind said...

Secret blogger. I have just started reading ur blog. This was a fantastic story. I really do feel for you as i am also in the closet and i am quite a sociable person. People know me but i always feel that they dont know the true "me". Keep trying man. Keep going strong. I just came out to my best friend and its great to even have one person u can talk to!