Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The questions that bug me

I will soon be telling everyone all abou Brody. My best friend and my love.
But today I wanna address few questions pertaining to my life.

Daninokc talked about wedding question? I sometimes wonder what my family and friends will think about me staying single. I have sex with girls and go out on dates but nothing as a long term. I have nicknames like Man-slut, Casanova, Womaniser, Stallion in college for going out with lots of girls. And sometimes cos of who I am people think I go out with more girls than I really do.

The "hottest and most popular" tag that has been attached to me since middle school
is something I am happy about but there is so much that comes with it. Everyone wants to know who the next hot blonde girl is that I am going out with. A lot of you might be thinking, how can I go out with so many girls when I am gay. Well I do this for a reason. This way people will just end up thinking that I am a "playa" and like al playas I dont like getting into relationships. When my best friends ask me why Im not in a relationship I just tell them that back home I was in love with a girl and we broke up before i moved for university and Im still in love with her so am not in the mood to get into a relationship right now. In reality, its not a girl but a guy. The guy is Brody. I am still in love with him. But I feel like I am ready to move on. Its been three years since I moved away and I think now I am ready to move on. And cos I have this playa image on me and cos I tell people I dont wanna be in a relationship at the moment - but in reality I really want to be in a relationship with a man.

The whole question about wedding is itself daunting. I mean Im only 21 right now but soon my parents will start thinking about my wedding more. As of now i just tell my friends and family that I dont want to get marrie and if i do will do it at 40. They all think Im mad. But I tell them that Im scared of marriage and rather stay with my girlfriend and have kids but not get married. The hardest is thing is that I am the only son and the oldest child. I sometimes think that life would be a lot easier if I had a brother. Then he would take the family line forward. I would not have to worry so much about stuff. But lets see.

My parents see photos of me with girls who I have dated and have had gone out with and mostly just photos with girls at parties. And when my parents see photos with them - they start thinking about marriage possibilties. And they analyse them as if Im going to get married now. And then my parents will find photos where I am in the middle of a group of girls hugging me and my mom gets worried that I might turn out to be like my dad and might be a womaniser even after getting married. For this I just tell her that before getting married I will go out with as many girls as I want and after marriage will be faithful to my wife and never cheat on her. I now life can be very sweet and complex at the same time.

Sometimes I think that I might end up getting married just to cover up or for my family. Or just cos I want to have kids and take the family name forward and live the whole white picket fence dream with a girl instead of a man. But I feel guilty and dont really want to betray a girl who is probably in love with me. I dont think I will be at peace knowing that the girl is in love with me and I am not in love with her. I might love her as a best friend and give her a great life. But will that be good enough. I really want to have kids of my own though. And I dont wanna cheat on her after we get married. So I really dont know how it will work out.

I think about having my own kids a lot. So this is a plan I have devised in my head. And this is an exclusive cos I have never spoken about this to anyone before. You heard it here first. Lol. When I find the guy with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with I really would like to have kids. I know there is an option of adoption but I want my own kids and see a little of part of me. So the plan I have devised is to have it with surrogate mothers. My sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like my guy and his sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like me. This way really we will have our own kids. But then the question in my mind is what will the kids say when they grow up? Will they be happy with the life they have? But I only want to do this when we both are totally sure that we want to spend the rest of our life with each other. I really dont have answers and I really dont know what will happen.

Lets see where life takes me. As of now I plan to just live.


Grand said...

i've wondered about this too. my parents have tried to ask about getting a gf and getting married and stuff but i somehow avoid answering it. but one day i do want to have kids of my own

Jeff said...

haha, the boyf and i have a very similar fantasy plan-
we would both have half asian, half white babies.

Sherwin said...

Awww Don't worry about it Secret. You have it pretty well planned out.

My parents on the other hand, have no pictures of me with girls I have dated...because there are none.

Don't worry, you will get through it just fine.

The current exModians said...

Everyone feels that way at 21.

With age comes cojones.

exModia Staff

Jeff said...

I've read your whole blog in a couple days. I am the one you mention here.I chose the married & kids path. I am now 41. my kids are 21 + 19. I love my wife, always have, & always will. Some days I LONG for the life I didn't choose. My children are amazing, & I KNOW, DEEP DOWN, I made the right choice. I'm here reading blogs, & following gay sites though... maybe if I had chose a gay lifestyle (way harder in 1987) I'd be reading family blogs...lol. Anyway thanks for sharing so much of yourself in these pages. you certainly are a very special person who deserves all of likes happiness.

Jeff said...


Anonymous said...

Jeff..I chose the gay life over the straight life back in '86....no regrets....ended up with a formerly married dad of 5.....I got the best of both worlds :-)

Jameson said...

I came across your blog browsing through daninokc. and I could not believe how much I can relate to you. im 23 and my parents has been pushing me about when I will get marry. one factor is that my first cousin, he is 25 and is getting married in december and my family thinks i will be the next...umm no?