Thursday, July 24, 2008

Once Upon A Time - Part 4 - Will You Go To The Prom With Me?

I heard something.....................Did you say something?

No............................................. Why? - did you hear something?

My heart shook and shuddered....................... What was I getting myself into?

Is it going to be safe? I don’t know....................................

Is it going to hurt? Maybe................................................

Should I let my self be this way? Maybe not...............................................

But Im sinking. And don’t know why.....................but I don’t want to be rescued....................cos for the first time, sinking feels good, dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not know if I should change schools or not. But I knew I did not want to leave this school. I had changed so many schools during my lifetime and left so many friends and I was tired of it. I had felt the hurt of missing the best friends I had left, a bit too many times, and so I knew how I would feel if I left this one too. So I did not want to leave these best friends. And I was the kid with the tag, you know the tag of “the hottest and most popular kid”, leaving this school would mean that I would have to go to a new school and try and get that kinda reputation again. And , the main reason was that, my Brody was here. I did not wanna leave him. So I guess my decision was made. But there was still the exams to get over with.

I remember the time when I was sitting in a room in the library and revising and Brody came with some of his friends. We talked and before he left, he asked me “Jake, you wanna come with us?” I said, “Yes” and went with him. We both smiled. Then I went with him and the other dudes to this other room inside our school and we started revising together. I was asking him questions and he would ask me questions back. Sometimes I would ask him a question and he would not know the answer and then would look at me with a puzzled look and would look so cute.

I remember the first time Brody sort of like asked me to be in his group. Brody and I am in the same group. And our group is the most popular group at school. And Brody was the one who took me into this group. Most schools I have been in, I was always in the most popular group. I always loved that feeling of being with my boys. The sense of belonging to a certain group always feels good. It becomes like a fraternity. And we were the alpha males of our high school. During the first days of being in the group, Brody and me would go out with all our boys from the group, together to the town center and places. And Brody would always walk next to me. He would not say anything, he would just smile and look down and I would do the same.
He did not have to say anything, cos I heard it. It was his way of saying, “Don’t worry , I am here with you”. And I felt safe. Going into a new group at first is always intimidating. And Brody made sure I felt good and safe.
Once there was this time, when I was waiting outside of the examination hall with all the other kids. I was leaning against the wall and talking to a friend of mine and Brody arrived. He stood right in front of me, looked at me and smiled. He said nothing. I heard something. I smiled and said, “Hi!”. He said, “Hi!” too. Then he just kept looking at me. There were other kids around us so I started talking to them but his eyes were looking straight at me. I felt it and could see but pretended to be responding to the other dudes too. Then I said, “Oh I forgot to bring my pencil, does anyone have one?”. Another dude started taking a pencil out and Brody took his out too. Without saying a word, I took the one Brody was holding. I smiled and he smiled. Said nothing. But I felt the need to. And I said, “Thank You”. The other guy just looked at Brody and put his pencil back in. Then it was time to get into the hall and use that pencil. And use it to write but I could not take my mind off of something that had been written in my heart, just a while ago. The moment played over and over in my heart and left its mark. A scar. But a beautiful scar. That moment plays on till today.

Somedays, I would be working away on my paper trying to give the right answer. Suddenly, I would feel the right urge to turn around and look. And my Brody would be sitting behind me and our eyes would meet and he would wink at me.
Then there was this one day, where I felt really embarrassed or shy cos Brody was feeling the same thing. We all had entered the hall and were seated to begin the exam but Brody was late, which I think was planned. He walked in late and started looking for his seat but as they are changed everyday he could not find the one with his name on it. You see, the art known to attention-seekers are very well timed and even a few seconds long or short can ruin it. As everyone was already seated and he was late, instead of the normal satisfied attention-seeker expression, he was embarrassed cos it was taking him a long time to find his chair and it was very evident on his face. And I felt embarrassed too cos he was embarrassed. Is it not weird, I was sharing his emotion.
Sometimes, after our exams we would just go and hang out around town or get ice-cream. This one day we were having lunch at McDonalds and as Brody was organizing a prom, he was checking the list of people that were coming. Then he asked the question, “Do you want to go to the prom with me?”.
And he smiled. I looked at him. Shivered. I looked at him again. My heart started beating faster. I looked into his blue eyes. And I laughed, you know, the flirtatious one. I answered him.............and you, my dudes, will soon know what my answer was.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Once Upon A Time - Part 3 - He Turns And Looks At Me

Dude, first things first. I need to clarify a few things. The secret that Brody had told the whole class was not a bad secret. It was actually a good secret and it was about my career and I had hid it cos I did not want to blow my own trumpet. And why did I not want to blow my own trumpet - well just cos. And when Brody told the class about the texts, he did not say it
in a harsh way like yelling out faggot and all that. He just said it with a smile. And it was just
this fact that he told the class about the texts mortified me. So please spare him. Lol. And to
give you a sneak peek. He is one of the very few people I trust. And I only trust three people.
Now back to the story:

I was mortified that Brody told the whole class about the texts. And I thought, in no time the whole school would know and that would be it. I was coming up with tons of reasons in my head about how I was going to deny it. I also vowed to never see Brody again and never speak to him. But he just kept running after and asking me to forgive him. He was relentless and I was not about to give in. Well for a week, at least. Or something like that. Brody would not stop saying sorry until I would speak to him. He just kept going “Jake please stop being mad at me” and “Jake pleaseeeeee speak to me”. And I think after a few days or a week, I gave in and started speaking to him again. And we were back to being friends. And being in love.

About him telling everyone in our class about the texts and everything, no one took it seriously, so no one even spoke about it and people just forgot the whole thing. Phew.

This happened a lot between us. You know where I get mad at him for something and I don’t talk to him and every time he would come running and I would forgive and then we would speak. Ya I think it was a form of flirting between us. And it felt good.

Like I said, all of this happened a long time ago, so I don’t remember things in their sequential order. But soon we became closer to each other. He would randomly hug me and all that but he did the same thing to his other friends. But not as much as he did to me.

More beautiful things were to come. And I felt it everywhere.

A lot had started to happen. We would flirt all the time and people had begun to take notice. Sometimes I would be passing by with a group of guys and Brody would shout my name out from a first floor window and I would just ignore him and he would threaten to pour water on me if I did not look at him. I know how funny it sounds, but it just felt like something - something different.

At times, I would be by the school gate and he would come by and he would playfully hide his face with his folder and I would smile. Then he would look at me and smile. (Dude, you guys better not be laughing right now). Somehow people had started to take notice. And soon, they started jokingly saying that me and Brody were going out. They would jokingly say, that me and Brody were in love with each other. But everyone was kidding and so it did not matter much.
Soon time came for school to be over and for us to prepare for our exams. Before our exams began, there was an assembly at school to let us know that from next year onwards, people could choose if they wanted to continue with school or not, or if they wanted to change schools. So something was certain, a lot of our friends that were with us now, would probably not be among us next year.

Everyone felt it. It was a kind of sad feeling and there were kids shouting out who were the only people they would miss. Some were hugging each other. Then I saw Brody. And I looked at him. And he stared at me too. There was a moment of silence. Then we said our goodbyes and he just kept looking at me. I started talking to other kids and he started to walk home with a friend of his. He was about a few meters away from me. Then you know how like in movies they will be like “oh they will turn back and look at me if they love me” well I started thinking the same. I kept thinking it “If he loves me he will look back at me again”. What happened? He looked back and shouted my name, “Jake, Jake”. And I pretended to not hear and just went on talking to my other friends. Then he kept on walking with his friend. I shouted his name out, “Brody, Brody”. He looked back and I said, “Bye” and he said, “Bye”. I smiled and he smiled too. I know so beautiful yet so funny. And just at the same time, a friend of mine laughed and imitated me and said “Brody, Brody” but he added to it and said, “Brody, Brody I love you”. Brody just smiled more and I smiled more too.

I don’t know if people noticed it or not, but something was happening. Then I started walking towards the school gate with some dudes and we were just playfully joking about. And Brody passed by with some dudes and he just looked at the other dudes joking about and did not say anything. And then he looked at me and said, “Jake, Bye - come back ok”. I nodded and I said, “Ya, Bye”. We both smiled and then my heart felt it again. It felt the love feeling.

I had thought of leaving for another school. A much more prestigious school as it would help me to get into a better college. But I thought I have time to think about it as we have still have exams to finish. So I did not give it much thought.

I felt alive. Just like a desert feels alive when rain falls. If only you could see the steam that was evaporating as the drops of rain touched the heated land. I still had to get over the exams. But had to make a decision. The decision that would change my life in many different ways.
P.S. My aim works now. My aim is secretblogging. And only readers please. Dont add me if you have not read anything but just want to chat. Only readers.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Once Upon A Time - Part 2 - Somebody Knocks And Comes In

Like I had said earlier, I don’t remember exactly what happened after the hand holding. But there were many more moments on its way. Moment that would stay and live on and make life know the meaning of beautiful moments.

Brody and I had gone into another level or zone, from where we saw no one else while we were in each other’s presence. I mean we were still the same kids but something had changed.

We started looking and staring at each other more. There would be times when we would look at each other, say nothing and just smile. We would be with friends and he would always make it a point to say something about me and make me the center of attention and this could be anything from cracking a joke about me to just making comments or complimenting me. And once during one of our classes, Brody said something about him being okay with having sex with guys. And my ears pricked up. I looked at him and asked, “Oh my god, so Brody you would sleep with a guy?”. And without a care in the world, he said, “Ya, if he is hot”. I somehow felt like this answer was for me, but I think it was in my head. And no one even said anything when he said this. Then there was those other times, when he would grab me from behind and just pick me up. Then there was this time, when I was seated on a chair in my class and he walked up to my table and pressed his knuckles on my table and looked at me. I pretended not to notice him. But smiled. Then he looked at the boxer band popping out of my jeans and commented on the brand. I just smiled. The there was this other time, when we were to be in groups to do something together. Brody asked me to be in his group. I went and sat at his table. Then he started flirting with me. His other friends smiled too. Then he was sitting with his top pant buttons undone and his boxers were showing. And he said, “Jake”. I looked at him and then he pointed towards his boxers and smiled. I smiled too. And I shook my head. These things happened a lot.

A door had been opened in my heart and Brody was the one who had knocked. There was only one room in this heart and Brody had occupied it. I don’t know what I was experiencing but it felt a lot like love. I felt happy when I saw him. His eyes would twinkle when he saw me. And things kept going on.

Feelings started to take over and I was drowning in it. I would ring Brody and not speak at all and hang up. Yes, I withheld my number as I did this. And I would hear his voice and hang up. Then one day I decided to text him and ask what he was up to. He told me that he was going shopping with some his friends. I asked him to have fun . Then later during the night I sent him an sms again and asked him how shopping went and he smsed back saying it was good. Then later during the night, I sent him an sms saying goodnight. I mean this was so long ago that I don’t even remember if he sent a response or not. And seriously I cannot believe I did that.
The next day came and I went to school as usual. We were in our class together and joking with each other as usual. And the whole class was involved as usual. And the teacher was involved too, as usual. But today was to be different. Brody decided to say something about the texts last night. And I think he told everyone that I was in love with him or something along those lines. I mean I don’t remember the events that took place in detail but, I remember bits and pieces. Like flashes. I remember that he mentioned the texts. Then he implied that I loved him or something. Then I think I was completely mortified. Then I remember denying it. He took out his phone and said he could prove it. And Im not sure if he showed them the text messages or not. Then people started implying that I was gay. Then people started raising their eyebrows and talking on the top of their voice. They said that I was in love with Brody. Something in my chest hurt. I felt betrayed and my heart was aching. I looked at Brody and vowed to hate him for the rest of my life. I knew I would never speak to him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to forget him, throw him out of my heart and lock the door so he would never get back in. I don’t remember what happened after this class. But I remember being hurt and something was burning and I felt it.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Once Upon A Time - Part 1

I have kept you all waiting for so long. And now here it is - the story of me and Brody. It will be told in parts so tune in for more. This is where it begins.

Once upon a time, there lived two princes in a land far, far away. And this is a tale of their love. Ok lets not start a fairy tale, cos life as we know is not a fairy tale. Today I am going to tell you the story of two princes - hang on I mean - two boys. Two boys in the tenth grade in a small town far, far away. One of them was Brody and the other was Jake, as in, me.

I was the shy, new boy at this school and in this town but Brody was the residential jock. We were both in the tenth grade. I had not always been shy but quite the opposite in my previous school. I had always been the kid with the tag “the hottest and the most popular kid” and being the invisible new kid was something that I was uncomfortable with. I had long been used to being the centre of attention so, when I first got to this new school I just sat quietly in the center of my classroom and looked at all the faces around me. I knew no one. And no one knew me and nor did they understand my heart but, it was not their fault cos no one really heard my heartbeat. Something had diminished the light in me and I just needed someone to re-ignite it to its brightest flame.

Brody, was the cocky jock, who had been in this town forever and everyone knew him for who he was. He never spared a moment to seek attention. Brody was at the age, where he was counting how many girls he had slept with and carried a box of condoms around with him - just to state to his peers that he was sexually active. If there was an assembly, then he would be the last person to enter the assembly hall just so that everyone would notice him coming in. If there were examinations going on , then he would be the last person to come into the examination hall so that people would notice him. He walked around with a sense of authority. And there was someone coming who would love all this about him.

I don’t remember a lot about when I first saw Brody. Neither do I remember the time when Brody and I first became friends. But I do remember that I shared a couple of classes with him. And those classes soon became the ones I enjoyed the most.

Sometime passed and I became very popular at this new school too. Sometimes, kids at school would say stuff like, “You have fit in really well haven’t ya, I mean I remember when so and so new kid came to this school and it took them really long to fit in - but you fit in so fast”. And I just smiled. Me and some kids would talk about some new kids and then the other kids would remember and say, “Oh Jake, we forgot that you are a new kid too - we had started thinking you are just one of the old boys” .

Brody and me would constantly joke with each other in the class we shared. I used to sit in front of him and he sat behind me. I had started flirting with him. We used to joke so much that the whole class would join in our joke and the teacher too. Sometimes the teacher would go as far as saying me and Brody were the “two rent boys” ( or gigolos to people who don’t know what rent boys mean). At one point, a friend of asked me, “You like Brody don’t ya?”. I was shocked to hear this question - as to me it sounded more like an accusation.
But it was true. I had started liking him. And I had also started thinking about him a lot. Then once while in class, I told Brody about something I did out of school as a hobby. It was supposed to be a secret. But he told the whole school. So I got really mad. So I told him that I would never speak to him again. But he did not let it happen. He would run after me and say sorry and would ask me to speak to him again. I would love the attention but just to make him run more, I would say no. Everywhere he saw me, he would ask me to forgive him but I would not. One afternoon, before our class together, I was on my way to it. And he was on his way too. So he looked at me and said sorry. After hesitating for a bit, I said ok and then we smiled. Then I went on my way to class and he did too. But there was still time for the lunch break to be over and for class to start. All of this was a part of someone’s plan. Someone much greater than us. That afternoon was not only going to be a witness to us talking to each other again but also to us holding each others hands for the first time. Not once but twice in the same day. As there was still time for the lunch break to be over - I decided to go back the way I came. As I was doing that - Brody was walking towards the room and he asked me where I was going and then he put his hand out. Not like, in front of him like you would do in a hand shake but out to his side. So I gave my hand and patted it but he held my hands and I held his too. And then I told him, I was doing whatever before class. And then realizing that we were still holding hands, we let go. Then we just talked casually. Then everyone arrived for class and we had the same, usual class full of joking and flirting between Brody and me. Then class was over and we joked about something again. So he started chasing me across our school and he asked his friend to chase me too. So me, being the usual me was loving the attention and wanting more. Then Brody’s friend caught me and so did Brody. Then we laughed for a bit and then said our goodbyes as it was time to go home for the day. And as we were doing so, Brody put his hand out again. In front of everyone. In front of the whole world to see. I was still talking to Brody’s friend and as I had noticed him put his hand out, I put my hand on his and we both held each other’s hands. It might be have been a few seconds but to us it felt like an eternity. And it was a few seconds longer than the normal handshake between two guys. It felt like the whole world was in slow motion and if this was a movie then the camera would be zoomed in on our locked hands. Then Brody’s friend started jokingly pulling me in another direction. He had not seen that we were holding hands - he was just pulling me jokingly. There was a lot of people walking around us and soon I could not see Brody but we were still holding hands. Then we both shook really hard and let go of each other’s hands. Still being pulled by Brody’s friend I went along with him and left that moment to itself. That moment played in my mind a lot.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that moment. And I also don’t remember the events after that. But that does not mean, that it was the only one. But it was just the beginning of many more to come. It was the start of a new page in my life that would change me forever. Little did I know, that somewhere someone had put a seed on the ground and some leaves had begun to sprout. Now if this little plant would grow into a tree or whither down and die, only time could tell. And it was just this time, that showed a break in clouds and sun rays were peeking through.

P.S. The picture on the top of this blog reminds me most of him and me. He had blond hair and I had dark hair.

To be continued hope soon...........