Monday, March 16, 2009

Stolen Glances 2

All my dudes out there,

I got some comments and I wanna say a few things about those. And then I will talk about some more of my college happenings and also the men.

One of the comments was just an example of the perverts and scared beings that affect our society. They are too scared to say anything to your face so they say it through anonymous comments. He had some harsh words to say about Heath. I have deleted the comment.

Man up. Gay or straight, you are a man, a male so have some balls and if you have anything to say then just email me with ur email id. I will reply.

The other comment was from a certain LondonBoy and he had this to say "Wow. Indulging in your own private sex life without judgment or limitations is the tantamount of insecurity? Is that what eroticism has come to in America?" What do you think he meant by it? I have no idea so if anyone understands then please tell me.

Now let me make this short. I want to talk about the other guys in my college.

I talked about the jock in an earlier post. Now lets get to the other ones.

  1. The 2nd jock - I saw him during the first semester of freshmen year. He was walking by his truck and I just looked at him. He is kinda cute. Then after a few weeks of looking games, I kind of like figured out he liked me. I was always very unsure about him. He was always very nervous around me. We had a class together and once we were walking towards each other and he makes this huge U shape around me to avoid walking by me. LOL. I thought it was hilarious. And there was this time when I was walking by the football field and he was walking on the inside towards me. He was smiling at me. But I just looked away. Then there was this time he when I was at the cafe and I was sitting on a table. I got up to get my food and when I got back to the table he was sitting there with a friend of his, even though my books were on the table. Me being the scared and sorry being, I took my books and left. I saw him a couple of times after that. Once he was taking his garbage out and he just looked so cute. And he just was very shy. LOL. Then when I came back after the break, and after a semester, he had already transfered.
  2. Preppy skateboarder - I have seen him skateboard around but I probably should not call him that cos around here everyone seems to skateboard to get around. Well this guy is goodlooking. Kind of like skinny, which is not my type. I remember the first time our eyes met, we were at this residence building meeting. He was there with his friends and I saw him constantly look. Pretty daring if you ask me. I checked his facebook and it said on it that he liked men. But you know on facebook people just put that up as a joke. Sometimes, it could be just that, a joke, but sometimes I think people tend to put that as a joke but they are really gay. You know that thing Shakespeare said. Well then I saw him at the cafe, staring pretty daringly. He is still around college. Seems to still be pretty daring.
  3. Cute William Moseley look-alike - I hope everyone knows who that is. I had never seen this guy before. Once again I was at the cafe and I had two eyes burning on me. I just had to look. So I look and I see two eyes looking back at me with "the look". I had just finished eating so I left the cafe with my friends. He is not my type. He is cute but is shorter than me and still looked like a highschooler. I was in the lobby with some friends. Just talking and I see him walk by with his friends. Then I just wanted to see if this dude was gonna look at me and guess what he looks back at me and he saw me looking at him. I just dint want to string him along if I did not like him. Then there was this time when he coming out of a door and I was walking in the same direction. To make it more nerve racking there was no one else there. And listen to this. He stood there holding the door for me and looked really nervous. I just said thank you. I saw him around a lot, that first semester of freshman year. A little later he started dating this girl that had hit on me lol. All I could think was, he is using her as a cover up. But I did not say anything. Its his life. Then I missed a semester and when I came back I did not know if he was still there. Then I see this guy. It was him. He had gotten bigger. As in more well built. And taller. So kinda liked him. Haha. He talks to my roommates and asks them where we were living then tells them he will come by. We go through the whole looking thing again. Then we would see each other in the cafe and around. He would always have the "look" on his face. Sometimes he is very forceful and will not stop staring. Sometimes he just stands there and stares. Kudos to his bravery. I am proud of him. Once I was in the library and he came and sat right next to me. Recently I saw him at a party and he was standing really close to me and my friend. Then he whispered something into his friends' ear. And then they looked at me. I was kind of like pissed off but I dint really care what he had to say. (I seriously dont care what people have to say). Guess what I did. I went and introduced myself to his friends. Then one of his skinny little guy friend said something to his lady friend. And she nudged him away. I know I am way better than this. So I just kept talking to her and made conversation. I started getting more drunk. I was with my friends. Taking photos. Saying stuff. Haha. I was sitting with my friends and for some reason I was talking to that guy. I dont know what I said to him but he says "I wanna see your ass" to me. There was like people around and he was not next to me but a few feet away from me. I was like "what dude?". And he looks at me again and says "I wanna see your ass". I just looked away and talked to other people. Then after I got more drunk. And went home safely. The next day I saw him with my friends. My friends come and hug me and he just looked on.
  4. Stylish Guy - Our eyes first met when I was in class. We looked at each other and saw the "look". A few days later I see him staring at me. Then I was on my way to class, and he was just talking to his friends. I had to get into one of the buildings. And I think he looked at me. Then he says bye to his friends and starts walking ahead of me. He opens the door and just stands there waiting. There is no one else there. I was still like 10 steps behind him. I felt really uncomfortable so i sped and went through the door and I said thanks. I saw him a couple of times later during the first semester of freshmen year, I think he was a junior then. He just kept staring. He is not my type at all. He is goodlooking, defined jaw but not my type. Definitely goodlooking though. I also think that he wants to be friends with me. Like best friends with me and nothing more. I could be wrong. He was just a starer. Then I went home for break, missed a semester. When I was back, I was just walking to my dorm and I see this guy getting out of a car. It was him. He looks back at me, looks away and then looks back at me again. I guess he probably figured I was not here for a semester and then he saw me and was surprised. Pleasantly? i dont know. Maybe. This semester the same thing. I will buying stuff from the food shop and will see him sitting with his friends just staring at me. I will be at the library and he will see him staring at me. I kind of wanna be best friends with him too. Dont think i wanna go out with him but would like to be best friends. Then I see him at the same party, I saw the other guy. I was wasted. He was with his friends. Go up to them and talk to them. Then he starts saying something to me. Dont remember. Then he introduces himself. Then he corrects me on his surname. Then he tells me where he is from and all that. Then I tell him my name. Then I think I just walked away. This is the weird thing. I added him on facebook a few days later and he denied it. Friggin annoyed for a bit but then did not really care. I thought he wanted to be friends so thought we could be friends. But i guess not. I dont know if I offended him the other night or whatever. Or if he was scared to confirm. But I put myself out there and this is what I got. Its kind of weird cos I dreamt that he had denied my friend request. I was like oh it was just dream but the next day he did. He walked by me the next day. We just walked by. Thats it. I dont think I will be trying to be friends with him again. But if he wants to then I wont say no. Life is too short to hold silly grudges.
  5. Hottie - I had seen him around school. He is tall, very goodlooking, well built, muscular and seems like a good guy. We were both in the cafe when our eyes first met and he had the "look" and I know I had the "look" too. I think we saw each other around college a few times. Then after first semester of freshmen year, I missed a semester and when I got back I was hoping to see him. After a few days, I was at the college market and I saw him. I did not know if it was him so just kept walking along the aisle just looking for stuff and we bumped into each other. He had the "look" again and I did too. We just walked around. I got my stuff and walked out of the market and as I was getting into my building I looked back and he was walking out of the market and looked towards my direction. Like he was looking for me. I think I saw him at a fire drill a few days later. Then we saw each other and a couple of times and did the looking thing. Some of the times I remember, was when I was walking back from class and I saw his car go by. I was unsure if he saw me, but he took a left turn and he was about 100 feet away from me and he looked at me. He just kept looking at me. Then one day I was walking somewhere and he was sitting and I saw him look at me. I looked at him and he looked away. Then he looked at me again. I looked at him again. Got into the food store and looked at him through the glass and he was looking. Then went and sat on another side and he was looking at me. I look at him and he looked away. Then I looked away. He looked at me. I looked at him. The one day I was just exiting my building and he was walking towards it. I pretended to be looking at my phone. He sat on something. Then he looked at me. But I was so scared that I just stood there and looked away. He saw me looking away so he looked away too. I looked up and he was still looking away. I started walking and he started walking towards the building but did not look at me. I think that was when I ruined it. Maybe now he thinks I dont like him. I dont know. I found out that he is very close to some very very good friends of mine. I found out his name through their photos on facebook. I dont know if he knows my name or if he has found out what my name is. This semester I have seen him a couple of times. Sometimes we will do the whole looking thing as he drives by. Sometimes we will do the looking thing as we walk by each other. When we are walking towards each other, he gets really nervous. He still looks and I do too. I dont know if he thinks I dont like him. But I do. We both still have the "look". Lets see what happens. The only thing is that he is graduating this year and still have few more years to go. So I dont know what will happen.
  6. All American jock - I saw this guy first semester of freshmen year too. He saw me as well. But then, I dont what happened but I ended up thinking he was not gay. He plays football for school and he is goodlooking, tall, muscular, social and I like him. He is my type. With this guy I thought I was wrong. Then last semester I saw him look. But I thought he was only checking my polos out. Then I was at the cafe and I see someone looking back at me. It was him and his head was tilted and he was looking at me. I looked at him and looked away. Then he looked away too. I think I ruined my chances there too. We have seen each other around. He is the same year as me. Lets see what happens.
  7. Baseball player - Not my type at all. I was waiting for my food. Noticed his crotch and was staring at it for some reason. Looked up and he was looking at me. Ever since he has been staring at me. He gets nervous when Im around. Someone told me that he got into a major league baseball team or something. For a few seconds, I thought about what it would be like to be a baseball player's boyfriend. But then, I dont wanna be with someone cos of what their job is or how much they earn or how desperate I am. So ya I think he has a girlfriend now. But he still stares at me.
  8. The looker - The same time I saw the baseball player, the looker was at the cafe too. I looked up at the TV after avoiding the baseball player's glances and I see the looker staring at me. For a long time. I spoke to him and we just talked. Ever since we have been saying hi to each other. And when I came back after the missed semester, I saw him and we spoke and he remembered me. He is not my type. We still say hi to each other.
  9. Goodlooker - This guy is goodlooking. I first saw him at the cafe. I thought he was visiting cos I had never seen him before. He is a freshman. I saw him at the bookstore. I was blocking the way, so had to let him through. Got up and our eyes met. We both raised our eyebrows. Then saw him at the cafe again. Was there with my roommate. We were both looking at each other. Then I looked away. Then he was talking to someone and saw him looking, I looked and he looked away. Then he was waiting for his food. Stood right next to me with his friends. Then he looks right at me and he was standing really close. I just looked at the TV. He kept looking and then i started to talk to my roommate. I have seen him around. Once I was at the cafe again and he was with his friends. I was in workout gear. Sweaty. As soon as entered the cafe, I saw him looking at me. I was waiting in line and then saw his friend look at me. I recognized his friend from one of my classes. Then his whole group was staring at me. Then I ordered my food and was standing a few feet away from his table on the other side, so like behind him. I was talking to a friend of mine. I could see from the corner of my eye, that the goodlooker and his friends were looking at me. The goodlooker had turned his head round and was just looking. Then after my friend got his food and walked away, I felt uncomfortable just standing there so sat with my friends who were on a table behind them. There was an empty chair right behind the goodlooker but facing away from him and towards my friends. So I sat on it with my back towards him. Our backs were nearly touching. I had to struggle to sit cos there was not much space between the chair, the table and his chair and I dint wanna push him. I dint know what they were saying about me. But Im pretty sure they were still talking. I just went on talking to my friends. Then after a little bit we all left. I dont whats gonna happen between us.
  10. All American jock 4 - This guy is huge. Like not fat but like footballer built. Kinda cute. I got into class and had to sit somewhere and someone to sit next to. This was the beginning of class and I saw an empty space between this huge guy and this blonde girl. I wanted to sit next to the blonde girl but then did not wanna look like I was shoving so sat next to the all american jock 4. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me up and down. Then during class he said something me. The next class, I walked in and saw a space between the jock 4 and the blonde girl but saw no chair. I was about to walk by when he said something like "bring that chair here". So i got a chair and sat next to him. Then as the days went by we became friends. We are the two in class that talk the most. Not the brightest but the ones with the loudest voices lol. Then he started complimenting me. "I like what you are wearing. You are always dressed nice". Then he asks me to give him some fashion tips and tells me he has to step up his game. Then the next day, he tells me that he likes my gear. He always compliments me. Then one day he asked me for my number cos he just wanted to ring someone if he did not know if class was on or not. He was pissed when someone else took his seat and had to sit somewhere else. He asked me who took my profile photo on facebook and I told him that it was just a photo taken by friends. Then he tells me it looks like a models photo and I was like thanks and he goes no problem lol. He at times will like tap me on the shoulder pretending its someone else in the middle of class. Then at times he will just pat me on my shoulder. When he leaves he only says bye to me. But then something that pissed me off is when we got a group assignment, I thought we would do it together. But he asks the two geeks and smart kids sitting next to him on the other side, and does not even ask me. Its like this guy wants to be best friends with me or likes me but for an assignment he asks them. He probably thinks im stupid or dumb. It pissed me off but I was over it. Like today I had to skip class cos I had to see someone. But i really wanted to see the chicks and the jock 4 so i went into class just to say hi to them and tell the professor. So I opened the door to the class and the jock 4 is like "My man" and he pulls up my chair. I told him I had to leave cos I had to see someone but then he was like "No you are staying". I told him i had to leave and I told the professor and the girls were confused and they looked at me and were like why are you not staying. Then I told the jock 4 that I really could not stay and he was like all right then and told me to text him. I did. I said that i was sorry lol I have to go see someone. Dude I have missed you during break though. see you next class. He replied by saying, "Is that person goodlooking". I said ya definitely lol. I wonder what he meant by "that person". Lets see where it goes.
My bros, you might be thinking im crazy too be talking only about liking people. But this is all i got for now. This time I am gonna do something. I am gonna be braver. If someone looks at me. I will look at them too and I wont look away. I will try not to run away. I will see what happens and let you guys know. I am just so scared of being left. I dont know whats gonna happen.

Its like if I do show someone that likes me that I like them too by looking at them and not looking away, if i got it wrong then the other person might tell their friends that Im gay. Its like with that "stylish guy", I put myself out there and he denied my friend request. It might just be facebook but it still is denying. I just dont know. Any tips from you guys. I will let you know what happens. I dont wanna be with someone just for the sake of being with someone, I have to really like them. Not just to avoid loneliness.


TroubledMnd said...

Hey all this sounds great! You are putting yourself out there and being braver. American jock 4 must be gay and he really likes you. If you are that worried of exposure and all that maybe you should just wait for them to make the first move but also give them subtle signs that you are gay or else none of you will make the first step!
It all starts from the looks...!!

dan said...

now that is one hell of an update!! ha. now get started on some action bud while you're in college, I'm telling you it's out there.

Aek said...

Wow, lots of details on a lot of guys in your life. :P

Good to see you blogging (again). XD

Anonymous Blogger said...

hey, your back. thanks for the message. I know you said u wanted to chat before, but I am never online on that screen name. Just keep emailing me! but if not, maybe, i can give you my personal screen name. lol idk yet its that all identity thing agian. haha

borg_queen said...

Ugh, reminds me of my high school.

About that wanna see your ass guy and that entire posse looking at you, could it be that you are giving away signs that you're gay? Or you were the one to first look but don't realize/remember it so they were looking at you "oh here's that gay guy again staring again".

What you should do is play scenarios in your head over and over again. Practice what you should say. Try to find the best things to say, What you should do, etc. Try writing a script if you have to. lol Practice the art of flirting in your mind. Or in chat rooms.

Be warned though, there are some instances that when they smile at you it's okay. But if you're the one to do it it would kind of push them away. In this case it's mostly straight/ambivalent guys so extra care is a must here. Remember, straights like it when they're the one pursuing, not when they're being pursued. (It's annoying and unfair, I know.)

Grand said...

theres a lot of "looking" going on at your school lol. just say hi to these guys. it took me a while but ive realized if you just say hi, most people are friendly and will talk to you and you can become friends and see where things go. then you'll have all the good looking guys around you lol

Anonymous said...

god this sounds familiar.....i was completely closeted in college, but had 5-6 of these types that i ran away from at the time, but won't ever completely forget. my advice: if in doubt, give it a roll - college guys today are a lot more open-minded and cool to say 'no thanks' and let it go (if you're wrong) than they were 5 years back when i was an undergrad. there was a gorgeous guy who literally would regularly come sit at my table in the dining hall when it was otherwise empty, come sit by me at the library and stare at me at the gym, yet i did nothing.

i think the comment above perpetuates the dysfunctional crap that makes being in the closet such a mindfuck. who really needs to play mindgames and make some 'straight' guy feel like he's in control? if he's someone you want to get to know, then ask him to grab a workout, coffee, beer, or study sometime. if he freaks out over that then it's clear he's got issues and is not someone who's going to be a healthy friend, whether he is open-minded about dudes or not. he oughta be self-conscious about acting that way, too, and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself if he does.

Dave said...

The more I read people's blogs the more I am convinced everyone is alike. Everybody has the same hang ups.

WOW...Alot of glances but action.

If nobody ever does anything then NOTHING will ever happen. (God, I wish I could take my own advice)

Steevo said...

hey dude....

life is all about risks. Some are so small we dont even notice... like get up or sleep in.

Other risks require more fortitude.

One thing someone told me long time ago was imagine the worst case scenario. You smile. He smiles. You say hi. He sez back off faggot. You say, "Dude, what's yer problem?" and walk away chuckling.

oh... hint... follow the news enough to say... hey... did you hear what Obama did, Or hey... did u see SNL last week.. that skit about_______. Keep a cheat sheet if you need to.

Then usual intro topics. Like sports? Films. Hobbies. Into politics. Growing up... Start by saying what you have to say about the topic. e.g., "I grew up in rural Georgia and there were 37 people in my HS graduation class." He will naturally compare his experience.

If you flub up make a joke about it. Mild self-deprecating humor is a way to help the other guy relax. You 2.

Ask a friend to role play with you. You can do that on IM even.

We fear the unknown so even IM practice helps our brain relax and things can be a bit familiar. It's like exercise.

I'm often on AIM and MSN. Say hi. We can brainstorm together. I used to help run a PFLAG support group so I might be able to suggest more specific stuff.

steevo in cali

Anonymous said...

Man up?

Seriously, you went from dude to dud. Foisting destructive traditional stereotypes on others should be the least of your concerns, considering.

Kinda like the crack pot calling the Gay tea kettle black.

Tim said...

"Wow. Indulging in your own private sex life without judgment or limitations is the tantamount of insecurity? Is that what eroticism has come to in America?"

this is sarcasm, basically saying that if you consider your own personal life as an indulgence than you aren't really comfortable/ or your to puritanical for your own good. I basically agree, if you aren't living your own life to maximize your happiness you better have a good reason to be sacrificing that for someone else and if you aren't you need to loosen up and realize that at the end of the course it's about what you accomplished not any family name or reputation.

You seem to be coming out of your shell though since you wrote this and that's good, at some point you should stop worrying about what others could and would say about you and just try to find a relationship that makes you happy. I thought your "gay idols" letter was a good start, and I'm glad that you are developing a better ego, it's not all bad to be selfish about your needs if no one else is going to help you find fulfillment. hope your parents divorce doesn't get too ugly, and don't let either of them use you as a pawn to hurt the other. Enjoy New York! and keep writing

Anonymous said...

I can think back on my friend Alan. He was your typical all American kind of guy, good looking, in shape and blond hair. he liked me and I liked him but I never dared to do anything. Once night, he kissed me on the cheek and I did nothing, how stupid was that? There was another guy after that, Brad and well, he looked like a Brad, unbelievable handsome. We hung out together for a while. On our second night out at a busy bar, he suggested we go sit in the park. I really think he was about to put his arm around me when like a scared fool I told him I wasn't gay. What the fuck?

Wade said...

Ha, All American Jock 4 sounds chill. Maybe that's cause he seems my type haha. Going through your blog from past to present, and so far so good. Great actually. Similar to fratclosetcase but without the random hookups (again, so far).

I realize it's kinda a shameless plug, but I gotta say that because of yours and fratclosetcase's blogs, I've started my own:

Again, really enjoy this blog, thanks for doing this. It means a lot, whether you know it or not.

Anonymous said...

omg i can't wait to go to college an meet some hot people. Damn they are sexy. So its a looking game from what it sounds, I'm pretty bad at that, but if a really wanted to I could excel, I love staring at things, done it all my life.