Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Life Took A Sudden Turn

Life has its way of making its own turns. We have a choice, either we accept this turn and adapt to it or use every bit of our might to turn it in our chosen way.

A lot has happened, so much so that I dont even remember what I had blogged about in previous post. I just finished my finals and came home for summer break.

When I started blogging, I knew that I did not want to blog about other aspects of my life. This would kind of ensure my privacy. But I have some problems and I need some help with it.

I have some family problems. I came back home and my mom told me that she wants to divorce my dad. Its been a long time coming. I think somewhere in my heart I wanted it too. If you knew my dad then you would probably ask my mom why she did not leave him ten years ago. He has managed to hurt my mom in every way possible. My mom is the greatest ever and she has always made our family her priority. I think about a year ago, I started thinking that I should ask my mom to divorce my dad. But then I thought, if I told her that then she would probably think that we were growing up and were tired of her and wanted her to go away. So I did not say anything. But when I came back home, my mom said it herself. Even though she had read my mind, I was shocked. But I did not react to it negatively. I just said nothing. But yesterday I told my mom, that I was OK with it. But I just dont want me and my siblings involved. She told me that she would not us at all. In a way, I think I should be there to support my mom and help her with it. I also wanna just turn a blind eye to it all. But I know that the smoothest way are not the right or best way. Or something like that. I just my mom to be happy. I want my mom to have a beautiful and happy life.
Now this is where you guys, my readers come in. I am pretty sure there must be some lawyers reading my blog, or people who know some really good lawyers. I need some advice. I want my mom to get everything that is in her right. I want my mom to get half of whatever my dad has. I dont want my mom to turn into a martyr in this relationship and walk away without anything. So I want my mom to get everything in her right. It will never be a substitute to whatever he has put her through, but it will be what is right. I dont want my mom to be the victim. We have spent enough years protecting our dad's name and thinking about our family's, now its time to think about the happiness of our life. Thats all. I dont care what country you are at, be it the US, Italy, France, UK, Greece, if you can help me or advise me on the next steps to take then let me know.

You can either help me or judge me. Its upto you but its time something is done about this.


Anonymous said...

Hi there,

If there is no prenuptual agreement signed, there is a better than good chance that your mother will get what she is due. Given the length of their marriage, etc (especially if she can prove infidellity) she shouldn't have anything in her way, really.

Hope this goes some way towards easing your mind.

Josh said...

Stay out of it. I'm sure your mother can handle things herself. Just be there for support.

Him said...

Well I think you were right in letting your mom choose the time that she chose to divorce your dad. All you can do is just be there for her like Josh said. Good luck man

Aek said...

I, unfortunately, have no advice to offer. I understand your position to help your mom as much as possible, but also to stay out of it. You don't really want to "get in between" your parents and make it (overtly) seem like you're choosing sides.

As for the lawyer matter, you may want to contact Bob (cvn70) over at his blog:

He's a lawyer and may be able to give you some insight. And his blog's good too (haha, plug).

Random Thinker said...

I think you should make sure your mom knows that you support her and will be ther for her if she needs you. But, like her making up her own mind to ask your dad for a divorce, she needs to decide how she wants to handle her side of the split.

I would caution you to not try to influence her to go for more, but rather be the one person who reminds her what she tells you she wants.

Because this will be a stressful time, and ultimately things will get resolved. You may find out that a piece of furniture or some photos that your mom thought she wanted might mean little if she gets her freedom, and happiness back.

So, give her a hug! And tell her you love her and that you are proud of her. Whatever happens.

wetherell_iorweth said...

hi dude,

Sorry to hear about your mom and dad. but then again maybe this could be a good thing for your mom. I'm sure there's a better life waiting for her after her divorce. I'm not a lawyer so i won't be able to give you legal advise. I just made this comment to let you know I'm a recent reader of your blog. Best of luck dude!

goleftatthefork said...

check your email - I sent a few thoughts there that may help - support is going to be important for both mom and dad so try to channel your energy in that direction

VegasLane said...

Your mother should hire a very competent lawyer who specializes in divorce. Some states have community property laws, others don't. Having been through this exact experience with my parents, it was two years of hell, with me the oldest of four children, in my late 30's at the time, trying to negotiate an amicable settlement prior to my mother filing. My father was his usual self, being totally unreasonable. The amount of money at stake was in excess of $17 million and all he wanted to give her was $250,000.

I hired the best lawyer in town and my mother filed first. There are definite advantages to being Plaintiff in any lawsuit, including a divorce.

Very long story short, had I not worked in my fathers business for many years prior she would have settled for much less. He was willing to lie under oath in depositions, in an attempt to hide assets. I knew where everything was. I testified against him in court. The judge was ready to throw him in jail for contempt and sanctioned him heavily for lying under oath.

My mother, who had no business experience relied on me to make every decision. We eventually settled the case with her getting about 1/3 of the estate all in cash, rather than taking an interest in businesses and real estate. It was a good deal for both.

But the end result is that I have not spoken to my father in 19 years and I don't ever expect to again.

The best comment I read to this post is the one that says to stay out of it. Just make sure that the attorney she hires does not have any connections whatsoever to your father's current attorney or his divorce counsel. It would be best if they don't even know each other, which is many times difficult to accomplish unless you live in a very large city.

You should have a meeting, if possible, with your siblings and reach a cooperative agreement to stay clear of the fallout. Avoid taking sides on even the most minor issues. If you want to maintain a relationship with both parents after this is over, it is probably the only way.

If your parents are smart, they will sit down and settle this AFTER your father makes a full declaration of the family assets which will be filed with the court. The formal term for this is mediation. If both of your parents lawyers are reasonable and good negotiators, this will expedite matters and save a ton of legal fees.

If that does not work, the next step is to bring in a third lawyer who is a professional mediator. The judge assigned to the case will recommend some good ones.

To save legal fees, the mediation route should be tried BEFORE the respective lawyers start "preparing for trial." As soon as you hear these words, that means the meter is running with legal aides, clerks and secretaries collecting all of the background information accumulated over the life of the marriage to build the divorce case. Avoid this at all cost if possible. My parents combined legal fees were $1.3 million.

Best of luck...........

Anonymous said...


No advice, but just wanted to wish you strength from the Netherlands. It must be incredibly tough, but just remember you're not alone.

NatureJockk said...

I feel for your dilemma.
I have never been through this before either.
Try to think of what good you are from what your parents gave to you that made you the man you are today.
Perhaps your Father will be a better person when he is separated from your Mother, as he will know what it is like to have a part of him removed, and maybe, just maybe, the three of you will be stronger and better for i as individuals.

From New Orleans, USA.


Anonymous said...

piece of hard-won advice:

if you take your mom's side too aggressively and vocally, you can hurt her case, because a competent lawyer on your dad's side will argue she's turning the kids against him and that's evidence of why the blame goes two ways. true or not, or justified or not, it's an unwelcome diversion that will hurt her in the long-run.

if money's not an object, hire a tax lawyer or litigation with some white collar/forensic experience to supplement the divorce lawyer in making sure you find everything. someone with background in the US attorney's office for your region is ideal - with the added bonus those tend to be less impeachable types with country club ties to your dad's lawyer, and who can call bullshit on a cheaper divorce lawyer handling the core of the care. it will seem very expensive, but just a few hours at those higher rates will pay dividends.