Sunday, June 21, 2009
Pitter Patter Pitter Patter raindrops hit New York buildings really hard.
Every drop like the next one after it. Every drop like the one before it..............
Then once in a while comes a person who breaks out of this repetition that life has forced on us. One such person is Dave Graham or David Graham. He was a contestant on the Australian Big Brother. He came out during the show.
You may be thinking "Why is he my idol when there have been lots and lots of contestants on the Big Brother show, all over the world, who have been gay?"
My answer: There have been tons of people who are gay on Big Brother everywhere. There are more people on TV who are gay. But the reason he is my idol, is not because he is gay.
On the TV show he was not afraid to show his emotions. He was not afraid to tell his housemates and the viewers watching the show, that he hoped the one he loved would be waiting for him when he came out of the house. He was not afraid to put a photo of his lover next to him and stare at it, in front of millions of viewers. He showed the world not what it was to be gay, but that there is no difference between heterosexual love and homosexual love. He showed the world that just because someone was gay did not mean that they were a deviant. Straight viewers saw the longing, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the heartache and the fondness he felt for his lover and made those viewers realize that there was no difference but a stark similarity between straight love and gay love.
The other contestants threw a barrage of questions at him and he in turn, answered all of their curiosities and gave them a reason to remove their confusion and doubts. He was unabashed by questions about sex between two men and explained to his heterosexual housemate that "men's assholes are built for sex, and just intercourse between two men without jerking off the bottom's penis can make them both have orgasms". When asked if he did not find the asshole dirty, his response was "I have found stuff in a women's vagina more times than I have found something in a men's asshole. Rarely do i find anything in a men's asshole". Trust me, he helped clear a lot of the questions I had in my mind too.
You see, a lot of people who try reality TV end up thinking that just being GAY will be a STATEMENT and give them a personality through which they can survive on the show. But little do they realize that doing so only makes me people see the word GAY. Its like a straight person going on TV and telling people what kind of person fat/thin/blonde/brunette they like having sex with and hoping that their preference of hair color or body shape will give them a personality. (I hope what I just said makes sense, Im not a great writer).
I have time and again maintained that being gay is only a part of what makes a person. It is not the whole person. I hope people still remember that. I hope kids who find my blog while sitting in their rooms with their doors locked and hearts racing will remember it too. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
Just google Dave Graham or look for the videos on youtube.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
This truth happens one March around the time I was 13. This was before I met Brody. Even before the high school that I went to with Brody. This was long before I knew love. This was during those days when I was a love virgin. There was these two boys at the summer camp I went to. They both were in my group. Now I am going to tell you their story as I heard it. Many summers ago there were two boys.......................... Two hearts that beat freely, found each other and through a common rhythm were united..........
It was not love at first sight............ they were just two friends who during a road trip found their hands intertwined under their jackets.......... hidden from friends around them....... but very visible to their own hearts and senses. They had met two years ago and had been coming to the same camp every March during a month long break from school. One of them was, for the purposes of this blog lets name him Justin - he was very much like me. He was a total clone of me. The other one was Miles- the total jock, popular, dumb, laughed at jokes 10 secs later than his friends did, ladies man himself and very hot. They both had become friends since their first time on camp. That was when Justin was 11 and Mile was 14. Now Justin was 13 and Miles was all of 16. Miles was only two years older than Justin but due to the months they were born in, they happened to be of that particular age on that March.
Miles and Justin were in the same group of friends at the camp. Their group always hung out together when they were there. And the group was a fraternity in its own right and the members were either or all jocks, popular guys, athletes, bullies, tough guys and homecoming kings. This was a very reputed camp and people from every part of the country sent their kids here. And their group had their own reputation.
It was a joke among the guys to pretend to kiss each other. It was a frat house atmosphere. But with guys that were 11-16 years old. Miles would at times jokingly ask Justin to give him a kiss. Justin would just smile coyly and look away and laugh it off. There were even times when Miles caught Justin and kissed him all over his neck, but everyone took it as a joke. Miles at times left hickies on Justin's neck. It was all very playful and regarded funny. Justin and Miles continued their lives being friends. Until two years later, on this particular March, things were to change. Whatever was to happen would change Justin's life for ever.
This time, the camp decided to take the 30 or so boys at the camp on a week long road trip.
During this trip they went through many cities and spent nights in different hotels. This particular day was cold rainy. They were up North somewhere along the mountains in an 8 person SUV with some more cars tailgaiting behind them in which were the rest of the boys from the camp. The whole group of friends were huddled against each other. Justin rested his head on Miles' shoulders. Even though the heater was on, it was cold as one of the window panes were missing. Everyone had layers of jackets and coats on top them.
A caress...... A gentle touch.......... Miles touches back........ Justin is uncertain but touches Miles' hands gently with his fingers again............... Miles replies with a gentler caress............ Then slowly their fingers intertwine. They held each other's hands. For the next hour before the SUV came to a stop, their hands remained locked. It was very hidden, a secret known to the two of them only but it was happening under some coats. A whisper of a passion. So silent. So soft. Yet two hearts heard it.
The SUV came to a stop and everyone got off the SUV and the other cars too, to take a look around and stretch their legs. Justin felt shy and almost embarrassed to look into Miles' eyes. So Justin avoided Miles, but knew that Miles was looking at him. Justin and Miles just smiled as they started to get back into the SUV and sat in the same spots.
Then they held hands again. They were entering a new world and neither could stop themselves.
By evening they had reached another city where they booked a couple of hotel rooms. It was on a mountain top so with snow around them, it was very cold. Some of the boys got started on a bonfire. It was all a lot fun. Awesome bonfire, awesome food, awesome cold weather, awesome atmosphere, awesome moonlight, and an awesome desire was known to two guys. At night, the group of best friends decided to sleep in the same room. They joined the two king beds and 5 of them slept in the same bed. It was a bunk of fun. But it was all very platonic. Justin took his spot between his best friend and Miles. And two other boys slept on the same bed too. The other boys had filled up the other rooms. Miles took Justin's arm and put it under his head. Justin finding it weird took it away. Then they all fell asleep. Except Justin and Miles.
Justin could not fall asleep cos Miles was lying next to him. Miles could not sleep too. That night they fell asleep holding hands.
The next day the boys set off for another city. They got into the cars and soon they reached another equally cold city. After a bit of sightseeing everyone headed to the hotel room. The boys got a movie as it was too cold outside and stayed in. For an hour or so, the 30 or so guys bundled up in one room to watch a movie.
Miles and Justin laid next to each other. And hoping the others would take it as friendship, Justin put his head on Miles' arms instead of a pillow and Miles just smiled. Miles held Justin and underneath the duvet, they held hands. Lying on that bed, their bodies emitted warmth but no matter how warm it got, they dared not remove the blanket off of them, so as to not risk letting go of each other's hands.
One of Miles' best friend looked at the two of them and smiled. He came over to Miles and Justin.
Miles' best friend: Justin could I lie next to you too.But Justin just laughed it off and so did Miles. Then after the movie, everyone went out and started playing with the snow.
A couple of the boys wanted to go around town and check out the ladies. Justin's best friend decided to stay back so Justin stayed with him too. Miles was going with the other boys so he asked Justin if he wanted to come along, but Justin refused and told him that he would stay with his best friend as he was not going.
So Miles put his arm out for Justin. Miles just wanted a high five from Justin before leaving. Justin smiled and responded. This was more then a high five, there was a caress there, too soft for the naked eye, but all too visible to the two beating hearts.
That night Justin and Miles slept in the room with their own group again. There was 4 king beds. But they joined them and made them into two king beds. Justin, Miles and their two best friends slept in one of the joined beds. But on this night, one of their best friends slept between the two boys. Justin was on the edge of the bed. He decided to tell his best friend that it was too cold on the edge of the bed so needed to sleep in the middle so as to not catch a cold. The best friend agreed and let him sleep in the middle. Miles was happy as Justin was finally next to him.
They held hands the whole night. The next morning Justin had a sharp pain in his hand and he opened his eyes to find Miles, still asleep, holding on to his hand tightly. Miles had fallen asleep with the grip of a hungry lion on Justin's hand.
Justin opened his eyes more and looked around to find that everyone was already awake and walking around the room. So that means that they might have seen Justin and Miles holding hands. Justin pretended to be asleep as he did not want to free his hand and wake Miles. A little while later Miles woke up and let go of Justin's hand. Justin's hand hurt for the rest of the day. It was nearly time to head back to their camp. So all the boys boarded the bus and left.
The 30 or so boys got back to their camp. From their group, Justin and his best friend roomed together in a completely different area of the camp and Miles and the rest of their best friends roomed in a huge hall with about eleven other 16 year old boys. That night Justin abandoned his own bed and went to Miles' dorm even though there was strict penalties and punishments for doing this. Then after talking to the rest of the guys from their group, Justin told them that he wanted to sleep there that night. And the only empty bed. in this hall of eleven boys, was next to Miles. So the guys told Justin to sleep on that bed. Miles finding some excuse joined his bed to the empty bed. Then Miles and Justin went to bed. Everyone fell asleep but Miles and Justin were awake.
In the dark of the night, they laid in the same bed next to each other, hugging each other, nothing else. Hours passed by but the desire in them burnt more and more fierce. They laid there hugging each other as neither knew how, when or in what way they should take the next step. They had not even kissed yet. Under the blanket, which they used to hide their embrace, heat soared. They were sweating so much that they felt like they were in a shower. But neither was ready to let go of the other. They clung to each other like their life depended on it. They were wrapped around each other like a gymnast to a pole. They had no intention of letting go. Justin had the right part of his face on top of the right part of Miles' face, so the sweat from both of their cheeks mingled as they slept on their sides so that they could hug each other with ease. Perhaps that was the only way they could avoid being seen as lying on top of each other would mean they might get noticed. At times, they would remove the duvet to get some fresh air, they would put their heads up to get a bit of air and then they would put their faces next to each other again. Then they would put the duvet cover over them again. Dawn would come and they would realize they had not slept yet. They did not let go of each other.
Then it was morning and reluctantly Justin let go of Miles and went back to his dorm. Nothing happened that night yet so much had happened. The next day Miles and Justin went about and hung out with their group. Miles wanted to be with Justin more. Miles wanted to spend every day with Justin. Everything had a new meaning for Justin. He did not understand this new feeling but he knew one thing.......... he liked it.
That evening after dinner, the whole camp had retreated to different rooms for activities and Miles went into the room where Justin was. And after talking to some guys, Miles looked at Justin
Miles: You are sleeping in our hall tonight.It was not a request. It was not a question. It was an order. He talked to Justin, like Justin belonged to him. Justin did not answer. He did not have to. Cos Miles was not looking for an answer. Miles knew. Justin knew.
That night, Miles joined his bed to the empty bed. Justin and Miles did not need those two beds cos Miles' single bed was enough for the both of them.
As the hall fell asleep, Justin and Miles clung to each other. The same routine was followed. Justin's right side of face on Miles' right side of face. Laying on their sides. Arms hugging each other. Sweat pouring. Heat soaring. Underneath a duvet, two people's world was changing. Neither had the courage to take the next step. Each waited for the other to take things further. A few hours later, Justin knew something had to be done. Even though he was younger among the two, he decided to move his lips closer to Miles' lips. Everything stood still. Miles moved his lips closer to Justin's lips. Justin moved it closer again. Then Miles became the daring one and put his lips on Justin lips. Then their mouths opened and Miles put his tongue in Justin's mouth. Justin sucked on his tongue and then he put his tongue in Miles' mouth. Miles' sucked Justin's tongue like he was on a mission. They had a 2 minute smooch and neither wanted to let go.
Miles started kissing Justin's neck. Justin held on to Miles. Miles then went on to caress Justin's butt but from the outside of his jeans. Justin put his hands on Miles' firm chest. Then Miles' put his hands down Justin's boxers and caressed his butt. Justin's hands were on Miles' treasure trail. He just caressed that area above the belt. Miles' patted him and squeezed his butt as if to say "Go on". Justin was still uncertain so he just caressed his treasure trail. Then Miles squeezed his butt again. Justin put his hands down Miles' boxers and held his thick dick. The kiss became stronger. Miles put his hands on to Justin's boxers and held his dick. They just kept on making out. Then Miles felt Justin's hole and caressed it. It was dawn and nearly time for them to get up but they did not stop. As hot as it was underneath that duvet, they went on, sweating and clinging.
The night was not long enough and the next day they went about doing the routine things. The night came and once again Justin was absent from his dorms and was instead laying in Miles' bed.
The night started with a lot of kissing. Miles grabbed Justin's dick and squeezed it. Then he felt Justin's asshole and caressed it. Justin and Miles kissed tenderly. Miles kissed Justin all over his neck but he was careful not to leave a mark. Miles put his fingers inside Justin's sweet hole. One finger first softly, then two fingers. This virgin hole shivered and trembled at every touch. Miles' pressed Justin's head down but Justin did not want to give a blowjob. Justin did not want to put a dick in his mouth and hated the thought of it so he refused. Then Miles asked Justin to turn around. Justin did as he was told. Then Miles spooned Justin. Justin felt Miles' dick on his butt. Justin turned his head around and they went on kissing. Miles asked Justin to lick his palm. Justin did. Miles used Justin's spit to lubricate Justin's hole. Miles asked Justin to lick his palm again then he put it on Justin's hole. It definitely did not seem like Miles' first time. Then Miles aimed the tip of his dick on Justin's hole. He had trouble pushing it into the tight hole. Miles held Justin's hand. Then he tried again. This time with much more force and thrust. Miles' dick was inside Justin's hole. Justin squirmed in pain. Justin had wanted this for long but he was not ready for this pain. He squirmed and asked Miles to take it out. Miles did. Justin turned around and they went on kissing. After a bit Miles asked Justin to turn around again. Justin did. After the same routine, he managed to get his dick inside Justin's hole and then they started kissing. Miles started the movement slowly. Then he picked up some pace. Both started breathing heavily. Miles' dick slipped out. After a dozen of swear words, Miles held his dick and put it into Justin's hole again. Then he started his hip motions. Later, Miles turned around to let Justin do him. Justin felt Miles' ass but he did not know how he felt about shoving his dick inside Miles' asshole so he asked Miles to turn around. And they kissed again. Miles held Justin's dick and gave him a hand job. Justin took deep and heavy breaths. Justin's sperm squirted out on Miles' hand. That night Miles was Justin belonged to each other completely.
Justin had always thought about what his first time would be like. He had found his oasis in Miles and he had fallen in love. First lust? or First love? Miles had taken Justin's virginity. He did not know it but he took Justin's heart too. Justin was smitten.
The next night followed. Justin and Miles assumed their normal positions. But on this night another of their very good friends from their group decided to sit on their bed and have a group chat. They went on talking. Miles was laying down on the bed next to Justin. But Justin was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. He was talking to their friend and his friend had no intention of going to bed yet.
Miles was hugging Justin underneath the duvet and kept caressing Justin to ask him to lie down. Justin felt uncomfortable in front of their friend. Soon he lied down too but he kept his head propped up to talk to the friend. But every so often he would put his head down and him and Miles would kiss. Then he would put his head up and talk to the friend. Then he would put his head back down and they would kiss. He put his hand on Miles' firm bare chest. Miles hugged Justin and did not let go. The desire was too strong. The friend had to give them some privacy. But how could they tell their friend? Did the friend notice anything? Very likely. Did the friend say anything? No. Soon the friend went to his bed and fell asleep. And Justin and Miles embraced each other. Justin kissed every part of Miles face. Miles kissed every part of Justin's face too. They felt each other's warm breath. Miles kissed Justin's bottom lip. Justin kissed Miles' top lip. Miles sucked on Justin's top lip. Justin sucked on Miles' bottom lip. The night belonged to them............. Justin turned around and Miles shoved his dick inside Justin's hole. It slipped out and Justin was in pain. Justin and Miles kissed. Miles aimed the tip of his dick at Miles' hole and then he thrust really hard and rough. The dick went in fully but Justin was in pain. Justin was Miles' completely. Miles was Justin's completely.
After some nights, the boy who usually slept on the empty bed next to Miles returned. One night as they were getting ready for the night, Miles got mad at that guy cos his bed was really close. He ordered that guy to take his bed further away and not come anyway near us.
Then they embraced each other. Miles had bought a new jock strap so after sex Justin helped put his jock strap back on and tucked his dick in the pouch. Justin fell asleep in his arms. Their hands holding each other. At times, Miles would let go of Justin's hand to rub his face or scratch somewhere but then he would bring it back and hold Justin's hand again. Justin did not care if they had sex or not, all he wanted to do was kiss and hug Miles and be in his arms. He would not mind spending the whole night like this.
Miles would look at Justin and just stare at him and he had the look on his face and they went on staring at each other. When they would be doing group activities and sitting together with their friends, Miles would put his hands on top of Justin's hands and squeeze. But they were too scared that someone would notice so they would let go.
They were a lot closer than they were before and everyone began to notice. Justin spent less time with his best friend and more time with Miles, even during the day. Miles told Justin about his life and his family. Justin began dreaming of a life with Miles. Justin was ready to run away with Miles. Justin was ready to elope with Miles and build a life together somewhere far away. Justin and Miles both had their reputations at stake. Justin was the token star at the camp and his school. Even at that age, everyone admired and looked up to him. But for the first time, Justin did not care about this reputation. He knew that if everyone found out about him and Miles, he would not be scared to stand in front of everyone and tell them that he is in love with Miles. He was ready to put everything on the line. He did not care what people thought. He would definitely stand in front of everyone on stage and tell them that he is in love with Miles. If need be. It was a new feeling and he liked it.
Then one night Miles asked Justin to go and sleep in his own bed. Justin was pissed off but he went to his own bed. Then another night Miles told Justin that he could sleep in their hall but only if he slept on some other bed. So Justin, due to there not being any empty beds, bunked with this guy who he thought of as a brother. The same night, the camp coordinator went around inspecting the halls and finding Justin in a different hall took him back to his own hall. Justin did not understand why Miles behaved the way he did. Justin had even started praying to God to make them together. He prayed everyday to ask God to unite them and make them together. He was smitten, sinking and there was no cure.
One evening while the whole group was playing ball, Miles sprained his ankle and was in terrible pain. Justin at once rushed to his aid and watched as some dude bandaged his ankle and helped him. Justin did not want to appear too close as he did not want others to start suspecting things. When Miles went to bed with his bandaged feet that hurt really bad, he saw Justin come with him. Miles asked him to go away. But Justin did not. That night Justin did not sleep in his bed cos Miles wanted to be alone so instead Justin bunked with the guy that slept next to Miles' bed. That whole night Justin tossed and turned. He needed Miles to hold him. He needed Miles to just hug him. Nothing more. He did not want to have sex. Just holding and hugging would be fine. Suddenly Justin unconsciously put his head up and kissed. Suddenly he woke up and realized what he had done. He had just kissed this other dude in his sleep thinking that it was Miles. It was just a peck and nothing else so he hoped that the guy would not notice. So he went back to sleep. The next day as the guys were hanging out, the guy who Justin mistakenly gave a kiss to, asked Justin to come and sleep in their hall again. Justin just laughed it off and said that he couldn’t cos he had to go back to his own hall.
Days passed by and their stay at the camp was coming to an end. One night they were all having dinner at the halls. Justin, Miles and some of the guys from their group were having dinner on the same table. Justin and Miles were sitting opposite each other. And they were all talking about stuff. Suddenly Miles started joking and talked about marriage.
Then he laughingly suggested that Justin and Billy (this guy who was nicknamed a “fag”) should get married. At this point, Justin’s heart broke and smashed into pieces. He felt a stab. A painful piercing stab and tears just flowed from his eyes. Without another word, Justin picked up his plate and threw it at Miles. Then he got up, left the table and went and sat with some of the big guys from his hometown. The guys from his hometown asked him what had happened and he told them that he was mad at someone but did not say anything else. Then as he sat there sobbing and unable to stop his tears, he felt hurt. This was his first heartbreak…………..
He looked up and he saw Miles staring at him from the table he was sitting at. Miles had the puppy look on his face and he just kept looking at Justin. Justin got madder so he got up from his seat and sat on the opposite side of the same table so that his back would face Miles. He did not want to look at Miles. Or even speak to him. Then Miles came to the table and asked Justin to talk to him. He asked Justin to come with him. But Justin refused. Miles asked Justin to come with him again. Justin shouted at him and told him to go away and began sobbing. Then the big guys from Justin’s hometown protected Justin and asked Miles to leave Justin alone. Miles went on talking to Justin. The big guys got mad and told Miles to leave their table. But Miles went on talking and wanted Justin to just come back to their table. The big guys got mad at Miles and ordered him to leave.Miles got pissed off and left. Justin just sat there crying. Justin sobbed. Anything to take his mind off of the pain. Anything to block the sound of his heart breaking.
Days went by with Miles being ignored by Justin. Justin wanted nothing to do with him.It was the last few days of camp and soon they would go back home. On the last day of camp, there was to be a theater production to which all the parents and students were invited. Justin was starring in one of the plays and Miles was just a cop as an extra in the other play.Justin was getting ready in the dressing room when he heard someone call his name out. It was Miles. Miles had come to borrow Justin’s toy gun as he needed it for his role. Miles and Justin looked at each other. It was the look. Justin gave it to Miles and got back to getting ready as his play was after Miles’ play.
Someone told him that Miles was leaving to go back home after the play was over. Justin wanted to say bye to Miles and just tell him to take care of himself before he left. So Justin performed his part and hurried downstairs to get out of his costume so that he would be able to say goodbye to Miles.
Justin ran out of the hall. He looked towards the gate and ran towards it. He ran as fast as he could. He asked the security staff at the gate if they had seen Miles. Apparently Miles had already left. Justin wanted to go out of the gate and check if Miles was still there, maybe. The security staff did not let Miles do that. He was not allowed even for a sec to look out of the gate.
Miles went back to the auditorium and sat with his friends to watch the other plays. His best friend asked him stuff about the play and he just nodded.
That evening Justin and his best friend packed their bags to be ready to leave the next day. Justin’s best friend told him that Miles had said something to him. Justin looked at his best friend.
Justin's best friend: Miles told me that you are gay.
Justin looked at his best friend.
Justin: Huh?He was very composed for a person whose secret had just come out. He did not tremble. He didn’t get mad. He just looked at his best friend.
Justin's best friend: He told me that you gave him a two minute smooch and then shoved your hand down his boxers and grabbed his dick.Justin looked at his friend and without a tremble in his lips, without a sign of fear and without any fumbling
Justin: Yes it did happen, but not exactly how he laid it out, I don’t wanna sit here giving you all the details, but it did happen, just not in the way he said it did.You see, Justin had lied to his friends in the past about a lot of stuff. Like all teenagers do, he too had lied on several occasions. But this time, Justin did not want to lie. He did not want to lie to his best friend. He did not want to cover anything up. Nor did he want to make any excuses. He knew that Miles had carefully excluded all the details and just said the things that would make Justin look like the sole perpetrator and make Justin look like the only guy who was gay. Justin did not want to sit there sorting through all the details and tell his side of the story and show to his best friend that he was not the only perpetrator. And he did not want to sound whiny and say who did what and how and when. Justin just took a deep breath.
Justin: He has not told you everything, all I can say is that there is a lot more to this story and that’s it.
His best friend just looked at him.
Justin's best friend: Bro I thought you were going to deny it, I thought you were gonna say that you were not in your right mind and you did not know what you were thinking or that you were not thinking clearly but you didn't.
Justin: Dude, I don’t want to lie to you about anything, I just want you to know that there is a lot more to this story then what Miles told you.
Justin’s best friend just said OK and left it at that. After the bags were packed, Justin and his best friend went for a walk. He told his best friend that he felt that he would not be coming back to camp anymore. His best friend asked him to stop talking like that. But Justin knew, things had changed and his life would change with it, he could feel it. The next morning Justin said bye to his tearful best friend. He went back home. Next year when it was time for camp, everyone returned but Justin didn’t. Justin never came back to camp. Justin never returned to that camp again.
Justin was hurt. Now Justin knows that what he had with Miles was not love. It was anything but love. It was carnal desire. It was infatuation. But not love. Justin was not in love with Miles. How do I know for sure? Cos Justin is me. Jake and Justin are the same person. So I know that I was not in love with Miles. It did not take me more than a month to get over Miles. There was heartbreak and it hurt, but don't shed tears cos it was hurt from failed infatuation. I could not have gotten over it faster. I left that camp and I never returned to that camp.
Whatever was between me and Brody was love. I was in love with Brody so it took me years to get over him. Brody was my first love.
Miles was my first sex with a guy. Thats all. Did Miles take advantage of me seeing that I was only 13? No, cos I enjoyed the sex fully, I wanted it as much as he did. I might have only been 13 then but everyone who knew me would tell you that I always stood for what I believed and would never let anyone take advantage and ridicule me or my beliefs or my friends or my family. Even at that age I was not scared of speaking for myself and my rights if I was provoked. And Miles was nothing but a guy who took my gay virginity. I enjoyed it as much as Miles did. I held his body as tightly as he had held mine. I mistook desire and lust for love. I mistook infatuation for pure love. Hence, it took me no time to get over that guy. Within a month of leaving that camp I was over that guy and within a few months I had multiple crushes on several guys lol. You see Miles had done me a huge favor. He had sexually liberated me and I had my life in front of me and maybe for that I am grate
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Just not in a very good way right now. Im going through a lot and am losing control of myself and the situation I am in.
You all know how negatively I view internet dating and cruising. But the past week all I have been doing is going through craiglists ads and sending my photos to unknown people. I have even made my own ad. I have thought about just going to random gay bars and hooking up with people. Today I even looked up cruising sites in New York City. I think I am trying to find some way to harm myself. Someway to take my frustration out. But (you may breathe again) I have not yet met anyone through craigslist or gone to a gay bar looking for random hookups or “cruised” the city yet.
New York is probably the only city where you can be alone and still feel entertained by the sheer volume of people around you. These days I find myself in the middle of Times Square, looking around, looking for something. I find myself walking down 14th street trying to find bars that wont make me look odd as I sit on a table by myself and drink.
I know I have attempted suicide in the past. There have been times in my life when living had become unbearable. But it was never because I was gay. It was due to other problems. Me being gay had nothing to do with those attempts. I just wanted to make that clear. I know I don’t feel suicidal right now but I am at a very low point in my life. I feel very down. But a smile remains on my face. Cos I know its just a ride.
I went to my hometown for a few days. I just needed to be home. I remember that as soon as I cam home, my mom told me that she wants to divorce my dad as she does not want to live her life like this anymore. My mom is very lonely as me and my siblings are away at our own universities for months. My dad is always off on business trips. And she tells me that he never calls home. She tells me that he never calls her. My mom’s decision to leave my dad is what I had hoped for, like I mentioned earlier. But I am not at ease with it. It is what I wanted but I am sad about it. I think my mom has started seeing someone. It is all what I had hoped for. But it still troubles me. I remember thinking, a while ago, that it would be awesome if my mom would start seeing a great guy and be with him, even get married to him. A great guy who is deserving of my mom. A great guy who will never hurt her. A great guy who will respect her and love her.
I don’t know who the guy is or anything. I just know that my mom has started seeing someone and she returns home at around 4 am. This went on for several days and she always returned home late at night claiming that she had a meeting.There is a part of me that wants to go upto my mom and let her know that I am ok with her seeing someone. That part of me wants me to tell my mom that she needs to make the right choice and date a great guy and be with a great guy. But then there is this other part that does not seem to correlate and just wants to shun my mom away. This other part makes me lock my room door and not talk to my mom. This part makes me ignore my moms calls. This part of me feels betrayed. Dunno why. My mom has made it clear that she will never marry again. But she tells me that she wants to live her life. What will the new man in her life be like? What if we don’t like him?
In some ways I am scared that I will not have a family anymore. My siblings are all off in different universities. Regardless of what my dad did, we were to be a family. We were to be together. But it seems like its slipping away. I am scared that I will lose my mom to another man. I have already lost a father, emotionally. If my mom has a new man in her life or if she marries someone, who will me and my siblings come home to. Where will we our home be? When semester ends and everyone goes home, where will we go? Who will I call my family? Its all very new to me and still it feels somewhat old. I don’t know how or what to tell myself to make it better. I am losing my family. I am losing my world. It’s a ride, its just a ride but till when.
I sit in the train thinking I would not care if the train crashed and I died. I sit in a car thinking, if I had an accident and I died, I would die content.
What does my God have planned for me? What does God have planned for my family? What am I to do? What am I to feel?