Thursday, June 4, 2009

Slipping Away

Just not in a very good way right now. Im going through a lot and am losing control of myself and the situation I am in.

You all know how negatively I view internet dating and cruising. But the past week all I have been doing is going through craiglists ads and sending my photos to unknown people. I have even made my own ad. I have thought about just going to random gay bars and hooking up with people. Today I even looked up cruising sites in New York City. I think I am trying to find some way to harm myself. Someway to take my frustration out. But (you may breathe again) I have not yet met anyone through craigslist or gone to a gay bar looking for random hookups or “cruised” the city yet.

New York is probably the only city where you can be alone and still feel entertained by the sheer volume of people around you. These days I find myself in the middle of Times Square, looking around, looking for something. I find myself walking down 14th street trying to find bars that wont make me look odd as I sit on a table by myself and drink.

I know I have attempted suicide in the past. There have been times in my life when living had become unbearable. But it was never because I was gay. It was due to other problems. Me being gay had nothing to do with those attempts. I just wanted to make that clear. I know I don’t feel suicidal right now but I am at a very low point in my life. I feel very down. But a smile remains on my face. Cos I know its just a ride.

I went to my hometown for a few days. I just needed to be home. I remember that as soon as I cam home, my mom told me that she wants to divorce my dad as she does not want to live her life like this anymore. My mom is very lonely as me and my siblings are away at our own universities for months. My dad is always off on business trips. And she tells me that he never calls home. She tells me that he never calls her. My mom’s decision to leave my dad is what I had hoped for, like I mentioned earlier. But I am not at ease with it. It is what I wanted but I am sad about it. I think my mom has started seeing someone. It is all what I had hoped for. But it still troubles me. I remember thinking, a while ago, that it would be awesome if my mom would start seeing a great guy and be with him, even get married to him. A great guy who is deserving of my mom. A great guy who will never hurt her. A great guy who will respect her and love her.

I don’t know who the guy is or anything. I just know that my mom has started seeing someone and she returns home at around 4 am. This went on for several days and she always returned home late at night claiming that she had a meeting.

There is a part of me that wants to go upto my mom and let her know that I am ok with her seeing someone. That part of me wants me to tell my mom that she needs to make the right choice and date a great guy and be with a great guy. But then there is this other part that does not seem to correlate and just wants to shun my mom away. This other part makes me lock my room door and not talk to my mom. This part makes me ignore my moms calls. This part of me feels betrayed. Dunno why. My mom has made it clear that she will never marry again. But she tells me that she wants to live her life. What will the new man in her life be like? What if we don’t like him?

In some ways I am scared that I will not have a family anymore. My siblings are all off in different universities. Regardless of what my dad did, we were to be a family. We were to be together. But it seems like its slipping away. I am scared that I will lose my mom to another man. I have already lost a father, emotionally. If my mom has a new man in her life or if she marries someone, who will me and my siblings come home to. Where will we our home be? When semester ends and everyone goes home, where will we go? Who will I call my family? Its all very new to me and still it feels somewhat old. I don’t know how or what to tell myself to make it better. I am losing my family. I am losing my world. It’s a ride, its just a ride but till when.

I sit in the train thinking I would not care if the train crashed and I died. I sit in a car thinking, if I had an accident and I died, I would die content.

What does my God have planned for me? What does God have planned for my family? What am I to do? What am I to feel?


Him said...

Wow. I can't say I get how you feel because this has never happened to me. But I can say I feel for you man. I don't know you, never met you, but from your posts I think you can make it through this. From what I have seen, you are not one to give up easily so I believe you can make it through this. If you need anything you got my email. I hope you can get past this sad and troubling part of your life.

Aek said...

Hey man, know that the low points will pass. Just breathe and try to take things one at a time.

*Hugs* I wish you the best with everything. Don't worry, things often have a tendency to work themselves out somehow.

Jonathan said...

Look, life will always have it's ups and downs, but sometimes you need to keep your head up because you never know what you might miss. But know this, no matter what happens, there is always tomorrow. The sun will always set, and as long as you keep trying, you'll make it to tomorrow.


wetherell_iorweth said...

You maybe at your lowest point today but its not the end. life can be very sad but it can be very fulfilling as well. A family is only broken when we feel broken so you must not be broken inside. Sometimes being by ourselves can magnify loneliness so be with your friends, if its not possible then maybe you can call them. Your happiness is yours to make. besides you're not really alone, you got your readers so cheer up. have a nice day

Grand said...

hey man, haven't commented in a while. craigslist and stuff isnt that bad. i've met some really nice guys on there. you jsut gotta be smart about it. i know you dont want to reveal yourself to your readers but im in ny if you wanan just chill and chat.

but more importantly, your family will still be there even if its not as intact as it used to be. don't hate your mom for dating. she has to be happy too. but she'll always care about you and your siblings and wont let any new guy in her life change that

Formysake said...

My parents have always been together, but b/c of circumstances outside of our control, they have to live in to separate nations, so I grew up, my pivotal teenage years without a father. My mom did everything for us, and still the only time I've seen my dad is about two years ago. My family, siblings and all, have not been "complete" in two years, and who knows when it will be when we get back together.

I say this b/c I feel for you. I just want my family together, a home to go towards at the end of the semester, but I know that's not going to happen. I just deal with it. Even as thoughts of suicide enter my head, and sometimes cry myself to sleep...for lots of reasons-

-I know that it is but the passing of the times, and I'll wake up alive.


Random Thinker said...

hey, there are more than a few times it feels like i'm losing control of everything in my life...

and i've often wondered what things would be diffferent if i wasn't around, so I think I get how you're feeling.

i often find myself walking in manhattan, past a bar, not wanting to stop for a drink alone, but i think more because even though i am alone, i don't want to be with someone who may be sitting there...

the smiles hide the dark thoughts...

feel better, and let me know if ya wanna chat.

Joe said...

Okay, let me start by saying that divorce always seems like the end, but it really can be a beginning too.

My parents divorced when I was only 5 years old. I, personally, was not able to talk about it with anyone for about 13 years. It is just one of those things where I would hide the feelings I was having about the situation. It was the end of my parents' marriage, but it never was the end of my family. If nothing else, the family got stronger. There was a fight within my family to make sure we were loved. I never did feel unloved.

My mother has been remarried for almost 20 years now to a man that is wonderful to her, and I like him a lot. He treats her like a queen, the way she should be treated. My dad has dated the same woman on and off for 15 years. They are good for each other.

So, look up, there is hope for the family. I would say talk to your mother. Let her know how you are feeling. Take it from someone who hides his emotions too, it is not good to keep it all bottled up inside. You may be surprised by how receptive she will be to your feelings, fears, etc.

I also know that lonliness can be tough. I agree with what some of the others have said before, talk to someone. You are most certainly NOT ALONE. We are all here for you.

I think, at this point, we are all worried about you and are really hoping for the best. You know where to find us if you need to talk.

Daniel said...

I found your site today.

While I comment from the middle of fly-over country....please do no harm to yourself.

Reading between the lines tells one that you constantly take care of others. Now is the time to take care of yourself.

Be well. Be strong. Think of low as you feel, you are the perfect match for someone. Would you want to inflict the same feelings of hopelessness your are experiencing on someone else?

Hang in there.


naturgesetz said...

I'm sure you'll find ways to be together as a family. It won't be what you're used too, and I know I never wanted things to change. But when things change, we adjust. So don't despair. You can't know exactly how it will be, but there will be something.

Thirty3 Naked Laydies said...

God has a lot planned for you. So sorry to hear about your parents. At the end of the day, remember this one FACT- it’s NOT you. It’s them. Parents love their children, and they DO love you. It’s just that like all humans, we don’t always communicate effectively. We shut down. You and your father clearly have a unique relationship. And where you would like to see him “step-up,” – he isn’t.

But don’t put HIS pressures and failings on yourself. You are smart. You are intelligent. Perhaps this might offer the OPPORTUNITY for you to be bigger that you think you are. What do I mean? Well, it’s easier said that done, but go ahead – talk to your mother. Let her know how YOU feel. Let her know YOUR thoughts. Let her know that you suspect that she's dating -- and in your book, it's ok. Get her to talk to you about how SHE feels. And yeah, Dad is not the greatest right now, but don't block im out hte way he's blocking you. If it means sitting him down and just screaming, do so. Let him know how YOU feel about how he's affecting the family. Trust me, it will only be a matter of tme before your siblings thank you for opening that space to dialogue.

Be the young adult you are. And be the amazing son you already are. Sometimes life calls on “the little ones” to step-up to the plate to begin that oh so necessary, vital, and essential and much needed conversation. And you know what? Be calm. Speak to them with the intent of taking YOUR FAMILY to whatever place and space it needs to go to. And if your parents divorce, it’s not the end of the world. Life renews itself in the most amazing ways!

And hey, don’t freak out about dating. One day, you’ll find someone to connect to. But don’t beating yourself up about it. First, there is nothing wrong with cruising the online ads. There is also nothing wrong with hitting the bars in search of someone cool. If ones aim is to “find some way to harm” oneself, then, JESUS, you have a problem. But I wouldn’t consider online dating or bar-hopping a “harmful” activity in that regard.

Yes, online dates are just that, online dates. You can get to know someone by emailing regularly and developing a repoire accordingly. You can also just go for a random hookup/one night stand – and they are what they are.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea where you are with this now, as you wrote it a year ago. But for what it's worth, I totally relate to this part:

I have already lost a father, emotionally. If my mom has a new man in her life or if she marries someone, who will me and my siblings come home to. Where will we our home be? When semester ends and everyone goes home, where will we go? Who will I call my family?

I can totally relate to this. When I was 19, my family pretty much disintegrated. My parents divorced, my dad moved far away and remarried, my sister married and moved even farther away, and I lost my whole concept of "home" because "home" as I knew it no longer existed.

That was over 20 years ago. While I still often feel like I'm drifting through life without an anchor, for the most part my relationships with the individual units of my family have deepened. It takes time, and sometimes it's a rocky process full of uncertainty. But it's definitely worth the ride. If you ever do feel suicidal again, think about your life as a story, a movie or a novel. If you kill yourself, you'll never find out how you overcame whatever difficulty you're facing. And no matter how dire or empty your circumstances seem, if you're patient you'll always reach a point where you are surprised to find that you've survived, even thrived, that the darkness has passed.

Hang in there. It's worth it.