Sunday, January 2, 2011

Where do I stand?

Bro, I have put up the donate button. The reason as to why the donate button is on the blog now has been explained here (please click on the link). When you donate to the blog, the payment is listed on your statement as "dude'sblog", this way you can be discrete about it if you want to. If you dont want to be discrete about it then thats fine too. Thanks for the support man.

Now for today's post. A dilemma is where I am at. Not a certain junction or a fork
in the road but a DILEMMA. I find myself looking at a world where I dont fit in and a world I dont identify with. Where do I go from here? Who do I look to for guidance?

I am currently at a big city. No, its not Miami or NY. And it was at this big city, that I found myself at a gay bar. After spending some time at the gay bar and talking to a few people, I went home empty-handed and alone. Yup, slept alone. And this is the dilemma, I find myself in. I dont identify myself with that world. I dont feel at home at a gay bar. I didnt at all. I wasnt attracted to those guys in that gay bar. I looked around, just felt lost and did not connect.

So I guess Im stuck between two worlds now. A rigid straight world and a the flamboyant gay world. I dont identify with either. I am a guy who does not identify with the gay world whose cliches I don't relate to and a straight world I dont belong to. So where should I go to meet a possible date, get a boyfriend or a husband. Heck, where do I go to just have a good time knowing that the other guys there will be gay too, and maybe we will dance, or talk, kiss without having to constantly think about being a flagbearer or being a cliche.

I have the utmost respect for the guys at the gay bar and I have no rights to judge them. I am not judging them. But I dont identify with them. I dont identify with that world.

A lot of my friends say about me "people fall in love with you when they see you or when they get to know you" and I have challenged this fact but they are adamant. A lot of the guys and girls I know say, "so many people have a crush on you or are in love with you and want to be with you" and "girls and guys both, a lot of girls and a LOT of guys, straight or gay, even if they claim to be straight as soon as u are in front of them, they fall in love with you or suddenly become gay just for you". Flattering compliments, you would say right? I must already be in a great relationship right? Then why is it that I am still SINGLE. Why is that I sitll find myself going to bed alone?

I am tired of the guessing game in college. A few of my friends have started keeping a tally of the number of girls and guys. I know the girls that are supposedly in love with me cos they are very expressive about their feelings or their crush and they let me know very well how they feel. I know the guys too cos they are very expressive about their feelings too. And then there are the guys who want to simply be best friends or a bromance, and they are very expressive too cos sometimes at one party I will get four or five guys shouting out "I love you man" or "I love you so much man, I look upto you bro, I have respect for you bro". So ya I know how to differentiate between the ones that have a crush, are in love and the ones that simply want a bromance.

The reason I am so mad at this whole guessing game at college is cos many of these guys are too scared to make the first move. They have all the strength and are fearless to stare at me for a long time but speechless and scared when it comes to saying something to me, telling me how they feel for me, asking me out, telling me they have feelings for me or telling me they want to be with me. They wont make the first move. I know I could make the first move too, but Im not the one who keeps staring. And I know they are staring cos my peripheral vision is awesome haha and most of them are not very subtle. And I never make the first move, cos I am old fashioned haha. Maybe I am too scared or maybe I am too old fashioned, I dont know. All I am saying is if u are fearless enough to stare for so long then make the first move too. I want to be with a MAN. So be a man.

I hear it always from my friends and the people around me, but little do they know that their so called "catch" and "total package" is very much alone and is very lonely. There are always people around me and you will always find me in huge groups of guys and girls and apparently everywhere I go I always take or am with a huge crowd. Yes in that way I am not alone. But in other ways, I am alone and very lonely. You all know very well which "way" I am talking about.

So once again the same question "where do I go to meet a possible date? Heck, where do I go to just have a good time knowing that the other guys there will be gay too and the only guessing game there will be does he like me or not, maybe we will dance, talk, kiss without having to think about being a flagbearer or being a cliche?". I will be in Washington DC for a few days then NY for a few months. So maybe someone out there knows of some place.

Your Bro,
Jake Walsor
A Popular Dude's Secret Life


fan of casey said...

Jake: I see these comments all the time, guys think all gay guys are alike when they are not. Yes, if you go to gay bars, you will get a cliche of the "typical" party gay but we congregate in other places as well, so don't feel like that's the only community where you can belong. There are dating and hookup sites if that's what you are into. There also are social groups and community areas so keep looking. So many guys lament not being able to find someone "normal acting" but if so many are looking, they must be out there.

Kelly said...

Jake...I have been down your road and it is tough... If you are going to be in DC, I would suggest the local gay sports bar... though I have not been there, I have heard it is a good mix of guys who are not your stereotypical gay men... the name escapes me right now, but hell... otherwise, whose to say you have to go to a gay bar...there are plenty of gay friendly places where there may b e wandering eyes, and maybe if you catch those eyes looking at you, try and make a subtle first move... see what happens... otherwise, if you need someone to warm the bed with you, then there are the online sites someone mentioned before... best of luck... i am a fairly new reader of your blog and i look forward to more from you...Happy New Year!!

SpiritMountainGuy said...

Jake, thanks for adding the link to my blog. Your link has been on my blog for a while. I wish you well in life's journey and know that you are always welcomed to visit just to get away. Think about it! Happy 2011 and all the best!!! - V

Anonymous said...

Jake: I completely understand what you are trying to convey in your post. Even though I have several postgraduate degrees, I am more comfortable wearing jeans than the latest "fashions," would rather have a good beer than a great wine, and still think that a Big Mac is one of the greatest comfort foods in the world. I despise show tunes, and would rather be celibate than have to refer to another guy as "girl." Perhaps one of my favorite comments was a friend who shouted at me, "No, you can't be gay"--just fifteen minutes after we had slept together. LOL

There are gays out there who don't fit the typical limp-wrist stereotype. For example, there are the bears, who tend to be more blue collar and laid back. There are lots of gay guys in sporting groups--there are, for example, a ton of gay rugby and softball groups out there.

My best advice is to look online for similar folks--some of the greatest friends I have made were found online. (You can find friends online, without having to sleep with them.) I also met my husband online--I would have never found him without the computer. (He attended the same school as I did, but we were both kinda in the closet/not totally out--both of us didn't want to be associated with the outrageously flaming gay group on campus.)

Have a great New Year, and keep your head up--you'll eventually find someone out there!

RockUrJock said...

Jake: I spent many years in the straight world and I thought I would never be comfortable in the "gay world". And guess what, I was right! I don't fit in either world. I feel comfortable in my own skin, and that feels best when I'm just around people who accept me for who I am. I suspect it will be the same with you. The sports bar is a good idea, or if you are athletic, try a baseball/softball team, a soccer team, a rugby team, a running club, a cycling club. All large cities have those teams and clubs which are open to men both gay and straight. Try a dating site just to meet friends, lots of guys do that. Take it easy. Your first few steps are the hardest. You're not alone. It's a great big world. We're everywhere, bro. It's gonna be ok, trust me.

Grand said...

im in the same position as you. i've checked out gay bars and i just feel awkward there and im not attracted to the guys there. my friends tell me theres people interested, even some of them were, but that didnt work either. now im just always lonely lol. whats a guy to do?

Grand said...

also, the song on your blog is an indication of how long its been since you've blogged lol. its a great song though so when it started playing, i was pleasantly surprised since i havent heard it in a while

Nicholas.Lobberecht said...

I can completley agree with this whole post. I myself fall in between this gay and straight world. I can easily get a long with my straight and gay guy friends because I have so many commonalities with both of them. I feel like I'm never going to find the right person that I'm satisfied but then again, I'm still young. You'll find a balance.

and if you or anyone else would like to follow me please do

Anonymous said...

i totally agree with you. gay bars can suck... but if you're in a big enough city where you have some options.... you should be able to find one that fits your style. i know that Philly has a bunch of gay bars that cater to the stereotypical and atypical. hopefully you find something that fits :-D

Anonymous said...

It sounds to me like you're just not trying. Don't blame someone else for not making the first move, after all, you're a man aren't you? So man up and stick it out there.
You have it so much better than the previous generations, who began the gay liberation movement. They had to really put their lives on the line to meet someone.
Today, there are all kinds of options that those guys from the 60's and 70's couldn't even begin to imagine.
There are PLENTY of masculine gay guys that you'd never guess were gay, by just looking at them, and that IS the problem that you are having. You look right through these guys never knowing their true nature because you are too SCARED to approach them.
Grow some hair on your balls and step up to the plate. If a guy says "no", do what the straight guys do and move on to the next person. We all get rejected so take it like a man. You'll eventually hit on the right guy for you. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Personally, we have something in common. I'm not attracted to the nelly guys. A guy has to look, smell and act like a man for me to be interested in him. There is NO SHORTAGE of these kinds of men. It's just that the nelly ones are so obvious that it seems that they outnumber the masculine ones. It's just not true, however. The butch guys are just harder to spot because they blend into society much better than the nelly ones.
It takes time to find one's place in the world and it's a bit harder for gay guys. We have to try on a lot of different hats to find what works for us. I found that the leather scene was best for me. I enjoyed the hyper-masculinity of it all. I also liked the bear scene as most of those guys were butch too.
The sports scene sounds like it would be a good match for you. Make yourself available. Stop waiting for it to come to you. But most of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's unattrative and a turn off for most men. The only way you are going to find a good match is to go out, put the make on a guy that looks good to you and see where it takes you.
Good luck, and remeber this, there is more than just one "right" guy out there for you. So your odds of finding him is much better than you think. Take it from someone who knows.....