A Popular Dude's Secret Life

Insurance question??

2011-05-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
I need help from someone who is good with insurances. I am looking for an insurance company that has out of network benefits to pay for a deviated septum. I have been told by my doctor to look for an insurance company that does nasal surgeries and has high out of network facilities.
Jake Walsor

Manroulette - I met Justin Beiber

2011-02-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

I have been quite a fan of manroulette recently. A buddy of mine introduced me to Chatroulette which eventually led me to manroulette and I visit it sometimes just for fun or to look at people. Well seeing how horny I have been recently, turned into more of a frequent visitor recently. On one such visit, I met Justin Beiber.

Well not Justin Beiber exactly but a dude who looked just like him. He claimed to be 16 and had the Beiber hair. Firstly I was kind of startled by seeing a child there. So I proceeded to ask how he was to which he replied with the 16. Then I told him that he should not be visiting the site cos he is too young and there are too many creepy old men on the site. I asked him to get off the site cos he was too young but then he smirked and said all he wanted to do was talk. I told him that talking was ok but he is still too young. He was fully clothed, then he said theres no hard cos he does not have his dick out then pointed the webcam towards his crotch but thankfully he had his jeans on. Then he faced it to his face and I advised him to never let creepy men on the site take advantage of him and to never do anything for them on screen. Then I gave him my email address for this blog and asked him to email me if he ever needed advice or wanted to talk about something. He told me he took the email address. Then I asked him to be careful again and he smirked. Then I just said bye kid and pressed next. I really hope that he takes my advice and protects himself on that site. I sure hope he stops going on that site and those creepy perverts better stay from that kid. I really hope he stays a child for as long as he can, cos he cant get his childhood back and theres enough time to be a grown up later. So to anyone thats reading and is under 18 - please listen and follow my advice. Trust me, childhood is one thing that is precious and dont grow up too fast.

I still remember the first time I saw Justin Beiber's music video, I had no clue what I was looking at cos I was kinda grossed out that this lil child was being checked out by people.

Peace Out
Jake Walsor

DADT REPEAL - SHOW THE HEROES SOME RESPECT AND SPEED UP THE "FULL" REPEAL

2011-01-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

A kind reader just commented on this post "Um. Dude. You may have not got the memo but DADT was repealed a month ago. Now all that is required is the plan to implement it which is well underway". Bro now I have something to say to you. I know that the bill repealing "don't ask, don't tell," passed the Senate 65 to 31 in December 2010. But that change in law does not change the policy. After a 60-day review by Congress, the Pentagon will then develop procedures for ending it altogether, a process that could take months or years to complete. "Months or years", so bro now tell me how effective this so called repeal that you believe in has been? I understand the first step has been taken and thats great, but if actual implementation and change takes months or years than what was the repeal about? Its almost like saying "you bought your favorite book, but wait, you cant read it yet, you gotta wait for a few months or years to start reading it". And that is the point I am trying to make. There is no time for months or years, the time for complete change is NOW. As we saw with the Prop 8 in California, they could change their mind in a second. So ya, since the repeal has happened already, it should be put in effect NOW and implemented NOW. Not in months or years. I hope that helps your curiosity.

So its DADT eh? Dont Ask, Dont Tell huh? Great job, no seriously thataboy and good job for taking away the rights of the same people that risk their lives for the country and the safety of people. For that I am proud of you. Whos YOU? YOU are all the people who decided to keep enforcing DADT, YOU's are the same people that decided to treat heroes like second class citizens. Segregation is abolished in the NEW WORLD you say, I say bullshit, horse crap, donkey balls to that. Segragation is alive and well, healthy and kicking with reignited energy that seperates people by their sexuality. I say why the leniency and just give the homosexuals the privilege of this segregation, lets spread it, I think people who prefer certain sexual positions over others among the heterosexual troops should be segregated too, so the ones that like missionary should not tell anyone, and the ones that like 69ing should not be asked about their preference cos that could jeopardise their choice to serve the country and make them lesser of heroes. Enough of this bullshit. I hope you know I was kidding, cos it sickens me and Im embarassed that DADT is still in effect and still affecting people who serve this country.

Coming out as a gay man/woman is hard enough. So why add more torture such as DADT over it. These soldiers are firstly citizens and its been hard enough for them to come out, and the DADT just makes it more difficult. The worst part is that the soldiers that want to come out or have already come out and been accepted, are forced to go back into the closet and are muffled by the straight jacket that the army strangles them with. I am saddened by the fact that the rights that are available to the civilians (well theres still room for a lot more improvement in that area too) are not given to the heroes that serve the country. I am disgusted by the fact that there are still people who would silence the voices and hearts of the soldiers that want the same treatment as the rest of the soldiers. Its weird that the same people that are fighting for your freedom do not have the freedom to love who they choose to, or ok YOU might say they have the freedom to do so, but then they are not allowed to talk about it or show it openly and that, YOU should know, is no FREEDOM.

Its a common thing among soldiers to have a photo of their loved one (girlfriend, wife) in their locker or under their pillow, but the soldiers who are gay are not allowed that basic freedom and human emotion. The courage of the loved ones of the soldiers who are gay is the same as the courage of the loved ones of the soldiers who are straight, they cry the same amount of tears, they hurt just as much and they find the same amount of strength to send their loved ones to serve the country. But when a soldier who is gay dies or is deployed, the partners of those soldiers are not given the same amount of support or respect as the partners of those soldiers who are straight. What do YOU say to that?

A Statue in Russia

General Pace calls homosexuality immoral hence he thinks DADT should continue to be enforced. Pretty sure having sex outside of marriage or having an extra marital affair is immoral too, so Pace should throw out every heterosexual sailor who is treated for a venereal disease after coming back from port call.

Please repeal DADT and please abolish DADT. Give all the soldiers and people equal rights.

Here are some more articles to read on the issue. The first one is a touching letter from a soldier, please read.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/17/a-gay-soldiers-letter-bef_n_798417.html

http://liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com/2010/12/20/the-gay-soldiers-that-wanted-to-be-on-fox/

http://www.365gay.com/blog/duffy-how-gay-soldiers-find-each-other/

http://gayfamilyvalues.blogspot.com/2010/03/no-more-holding-hands-in-darkdadt.html

http://blogout.justout.com/?p=25100

http://thenextfamily.com/2011/01/gay-and-in-the-navy/

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2010/02/portland_gay_couple_survivors.html

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xdgm5d_gay-soldiers-love-story_creation

Once again, thank you to everyone who have been donating. Someone emailed me asking why I am asking to donate, please follow the link to find out why here. A 14 year old boy emailed me telling me he liked my posts and articles so he would like to donate ten dollars, but I told him I wont accept the money from him, I wont feel good taking money from a little kid who is the same age as my little brother. I appreciate the offer. I told him that he has a friend in me and he can email me whenever he wants advice and help. So thanks kid and hope to hear from you soon.

Dude needs advice - this chick invites me to Vegas with her

2011-01-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

Boys so The Dude needs your advice.
Backstory: Abt three years ago, I met this chick in college. Gorgeous, skinny, blonde, blue-eyed, hot. But not much boobs going on. Well I met her and she made it very clear that she was into me. I dint like her that much, she was hot but I thought she was ok. I just blew her off. Then she started dating a very good friend of mine. I was happy for her. And him. But even after they started dating, she kept on flirting with me and was still kinda into me. That was a turn off cos infidelity is unattractive, and also I wud not hurt my buddy. I blew her away again. Then her best friend also blonde blue eyed nice ass told me she had a crush on me, had feelings for me and wanted to be with me. This girl was a tigress, she was forceful abt her feelings even before we had spoken to each other she would do these long stares at me and would not stop looking at me and she was not subtle, then I wud respond by looking at her and she would flutter her eyelashes n look away. She was good lol even my gay dick would twitch. I did nothing abt it n just ignored her. Then one day I was getting out of class, she got out at the same time too, we were in the same class including the previous chick I was talking abt, well we were going out of class, I start walking down the corridor, I turn around and guess what she's doing? She's standing by the door looking at me, n not just looking, but glaring longingly, she was doing one of those "tilt your chin towards ur chest, while looking at the person, making ur eyes look sexy n have the lustful look" ya that look. I looked for a while then looked away n just kept walking. I kinda liked her. And the side of me that wants to cover up my sexuality, liked her too. By the time we started talking, she was seeing this dude, but that dint stop her from flirting either. It was nearly time for winter break, so I thought I wud try something with her the next semester, but by the time we got back both of us had already gone out of steam, although we flirted. So getting back to the previous girl, she broke up with my buddy two semesters ago. Iwhen they broke up, I knew before anyone even told me cos the heavy flirtatiousness had begun again. And I knew something was up, then I found out they had broken up. I would see her at parties sometimes and even though she wud be dancing with other guys, she wud start talking to me. And the thing with her is that she is kinda quiet n doesn't say much to neone n kinda boring, but still very popular. But wheneve she sees me, she tries really hard to make conversation, so I know that she really likes me. When I need someone to be there, she always is. So I feel the love. Then she started seeing this dude, funnily enough it was the same dude that told me he liked me n I liked him too. It was a funny twist cos when I wud see them somewhere, i would see him staring at me n around the same time she wud be staring too. Then she wud start talking to me n he and I wud be awkward. lol it was very funny. They are just friends now. Well getting back to her again well we met at the final party before going home for Christmas. I was shitfaced n having a great time. Then she came up to me n started talking to me, then she asked me if I wud come to Vegas with her for her birthday next semester, I said ya sure and she got really happy n then I asked her if she had my number, she did but it was the old one so, I gave her my new number. I was hammered that night, tried making out with everyone, danced on tables, spilled drink on these chicks, n apparently instead of getting mad at me they asked my friends if I was ok n if I was mad at them.

I texted her that day cos I remembered the invite and asked if it was still on. She said yes n I told her Im coming so she got really happy.

See I know what she wants. She either wants to be in a relationship with me or just wants to do me. There's a part of me that wants to go. But then she is also my buddy's ex girlfriend and I don't want to hurt our friendship. My buddy n me were talking abt chicks one day n he started talking abt her, I joked abt our friends dating her, n he said if I want to date her or be in a relationship with her then I should, i told him I wasn't going to do that, then he warned me that she's crazy. I cant betray my buddy or hurt him like that. Then theres the part of me that wants to go just to have fun. I stopped having sex with chicks just to cover up long time back so I dont know if I can get it up or even do it with a chick nemore, maybe I should get some viagra or cialis? Anyone know where from? lol. another part of me that want to "cover up" wants to go too.

So what should I do dude?

The Air Force Pilot Who Wanted To Fly Me Away

2011-01-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

Dude please vote for my blog on bestmaleblogs.com. You will find the button the right side, under the donate button, thanks man.

I have another story for all my bros. Yes, and this one involves an Air Force Pilot. An Air Force Pilot on a secret mission at that. Lets not wait too long for me to tell you the story.

A few years ago when I was about 18 I was travelling across Europe with my family: Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister and relatives. We had spent a few days in one country and were heading to a city in a different country. We had decided to take the train which was going to take us 3 days and 2 nights to get there. So kind of a long trip and we were all very excited. All of us boarded the train, and it being a long trip, my parents had gotten us a cabin on the train. The train had different class levels and we were on the business class version of the train, so we had a cabin with doors on it. I took the top bed cos I wanted to be able to look at everyone. It had a huge window too but it dint open. There was one empty bed and it was already booked by someone and we did not know when that seat/bed would get occupied. So all of get settled and got ready for the adventure. The train started on the journey and I just looked on as we passed the station and then were our journey.

My brother was listening to his music, my sister was reading a book, my dad was reading the newspaper, and mum was playing cards with a family friend. My relatives and family friends had other cabins in the business class section. So it had been a few hours and we stopped at another station, I guess for people to get on/off. After a while I hear our cabin door open and this man gets in. I guess we meet the person who had booked the empty seat on our cabin. He gets angry for some reason and I look at what was going and he is asking my mom and our family friend to get off his seat and stop playing cards. Yes, they were playing cards on his seat so I guess he wanted to get his seat back but why was he mad about the cards? I was going to say something cos it pissed me off that he was mad at my mom and friends but I decided to keep quiet cos I thought maybe it was illegal to play cards in that country, who knows what the rules are in those countries are. And seeing that we were going to be sharing the cabin with the jerk for a few days, I decided to just say nothing and keep it civil.

A few hours went by, and everyone was talking to each other and we were having a conversation with the stranger too. The stranger seemed pretty nice and I am going to him a name, Aaron. Well Aaron and his friends were from different states, Aaron was from Arkansas, and they were headed to the same city as us and was on the trip with a few friends who were all scatted in different areas of the train, I found that a bit strange but decided to not question anything. It was dusk and the sun reflected beautifully into our cabin. We were all playing games and our cabin was full of people and the noise of the train gushing through the sunset was silenced by our laughters and voices. Aaron was talking to everyone and I could tell he was kind of a flirt. That put me in protective brother mode cos my sister was young around then and I was going to let this random guy start hitting on her. But my sister just kept to herself and continued to read her book.

We all just sat around and talked. Aaron was talking to me about all kinds of stuff and I was telling him about things. He was flirting with me and I just laughed lol. He was ok looking but he was not my type. But he was extremely manly and had a great personality and it was the extremely masculine side which made him attractive. If you guys watch Brothers and Sisters - think Justin, it was that kinda look, they dont look alike at all but I mean that kinda look and
features.

So we were just conversating about lots of stuff and we were talking about each others lives. He was in his mid to late twenties but I had no clue about his sexuality. Everyone had lunch together and my parents would buy snacks for everyone including Aaron and his friends. His friends would just come over at certain times, hang out and then went back to their seats. Me and my brother were just kidding around and taking photos, I wanted to look at the camera so I took it away from his hands and was looking through them. Aaron was sitting next to me and looking at the photos too and suddenly one photo was of my lower back with my shirt raised and top of my boxers and lower back showing and Aaron just said "Oooooh", I just laughed, blushed and deleted the photo. Night happened and I had no clue what part of Europe I was in by now. So I went to sleep and woke up early the next morning. I dint know how I was going to get used to the shaking train. Breakfast was served and after freshening up we all sat around talking.

Then when we would pass by different cities and if the train stopped at any station, Aaron and I would go and stand in the door and just look out. At times we just walked around the train looking at the various compartments, at other times we all played games and told jokes to entertain ourselves. Aaron would just look at me at certain times and smile. Sometimes he would say something to me and smile. Everyone could see that Aaron and I had gotten very close and had become good friends. If I sat somewhere, Aaron would come sit next to me, if I wanted to go to the other compartment and look around, Aaron would come with. Our cabin was always full of people cos our family and relatives and friends would come and sit in ours and Aaron's friends would come too. We would just sit around talking, lauhging, eating, joking and other things. We got to a certain station around sunset and Aaron asked me if I would want to go look around this station while the train stopped for a few minutes. I said yes, but before we got off the train, Aaron asked my mom "Ma'am is it ok if I take Pritan with me, we wanna go look around the station, we will back in a few minutes?" My mom allowed us to cos they thought Aaron was a good person and trusted him and I was also 18, although we were in a foreing country. We walked for a while around the platform and there were lots of people there. Then Aaron stopped walking and looked at me and told me he wanted to say something me. I asked him what it was and he started telling. He told me that I would have to keep it a secret, and then said that he was a pilot/officer in the air force and they were going somewhere on a secret mission thats why he did not tell us what his career was earlier. And he told me that was why him and his friends had seats in differnt parts of the train. Then he took his air force id out and showed it to me, in the photo he was in his uniform and looked like a hard douchebag lol. I told him I wouldnt tell anyone and said thanks for telling me. Then he went on to say that he was having a great time and hoped I was having a good time too and said that we should stay in touch and I agreed completely. Then he said that he doesnt think he is ever going to marry, which took me by surprise cos that came out of nowhere. We started walking back towards and the train and because it was about to leave, we got back on it. We went back to our cabin, and joined everyone else. We all had dinner and sat around for a little bit doing the usual and having fun. I was being the usual me, saying things, making everyone laugh and just having fun by being the center of attention. It was weird cos this was our last night on the train. The next day we would all get to our destination. Everyone headed to bed and fell asleep.

The next morning we all freshened up. Then Aaron gave me his email address, and I gave him mine and he told me he would wait for my email. He smiled and said that he would only email me after I email him so I laughed. We all sat around waiting to get to that city. For everyone on that train to get to the destination, they would have to change trains at the next station and buy another ticket for a one hour journey to the destination city. We were all hoping that we would get seats in the business class section of the next train.

The station arrived and everyone got off. Aaron and his friends had to change trains too and as their destination was the same as ours, we all had to take the same trains. Him and his friends helped us with our luggage and got some concierge people to help too. This train had its own rules and we would have to get tickets on the train and just hope for the best. Aaron told me not worry about anything. The ticketmaster arrived and Aaron and his friends were talking to him, they got seats in the other compartment, then Aaron came and told me that the ticketmaster was gonna give us seats in the adjacent business class compartment and we had nothing to worry about. His "job" came with benefits and advantages and they were respected and hence were given priority and he used this advantage for my family and relatives too.

He went to his compartment with his buddies and I went to mine with my family. I wanted to nap for a lil before we got to our destination so was laying on the bunk bed. Everyone just sat around talking. I heard Aaron talking to my family so I turned around and just looked. He was asking my parents how they were doing and if everything was ok and told everyone that no one would bother us. He told everyone to let him know if we had any problems or needed anything. This whole time I dint say anything, I just looked on. Then he looked up at me, I was on the top bunk, and he smiled. He did not say a word. I did not say a word either. He just smiled and looked at me and I smiled and looked at him too. Then he left. I saw my sister looking at me, so I looked at her, she had this half smile/ half jaw drop look on her face, I smiled at her and said "what", then turned around and went to sleep. I guess she could see what I could see. Her look said "I think that guy is in love with you" or loosely put "I think that guy likes you".

My sister has said a few times over the years that I have mom's attraction power. I guess she has kept an eye on me all these years. I remember she would always have lots to say about my girlfriends and dint like most of them.

Our destination arrived and we all got off the train. We got cabs to get to the hotel. Once again, Aaron and his friends helped us with our luggages. It was time to say our goodbyes. I said bye to all of Aaron's friends then I said bye to him. Aaron dint say a lot. My family and relatives said bye to Aaron and his friends too. Then we started walking away. Then my mom just says "I think Aaron was about to cry when he said bye to you Jake so he put his shades on to hide his tears". Like I said, my whole family kept saying that me and Aaron had become good friends. I dont know if he was crying or not, cos I could not tell. I just kept walking away and when I turned around, Aaron and his friends were walking away, I waved at Aaron and he waved back. I dont know if Aaron was straight or gay, I dont know if Aaron had fallen in love or not, I dont know if Aaron liked me or not, I dont know if Aaron had feelings for me or not and I dont know why Aaron told me he does not think he will ever marry. But what I know is that I did not have feelings for Aaron, but I did flirt back, I was not attracted to him but I did find his manliness attractive, and it was kinda sad to say bye.

After a few days at the city, we decided to go back to the previous country on the same train. It would take us a few days and few nights to get back again. I hoped it would be as much fun as the last time on the train. But it wasnt. It wasnt the same at all. We met a lot of people. But it wasnt the same.

I never emailed Aaron. Even when I got back home, I did not email him. I dont know why. I just dint. I never got an email from him either.

Dude's Latest: A-List: New York, Jersey Shore, Facebook, Horny Jake

2011-01-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

Man theres some stuff out there, some cringeworthy, some noteworhty and some just pretty cool. The first thing I have been wanting to write about is the TV show on LOGO channel, The A-List: New York. I had a lot of respect for the dude Reichen Lehmkuhl. Keyword "had", not as much anymore. I mean to me, he was always this cool guy, an Air Force guy, manly, stood up for himself and a MAN. I stumbled upon the show and watched for the first time, Reichen was dramatic about everything and had little consideration for his relationship with this new dude named Rodiney. Rolled his eyes like an insecure annoying chick and loved being fickle. Dude Reichen you have definitely lost out on a fan. (Reichen rolls his eyes). lol. I still have respect for what you are doing for LGBTQ community, but thats all. Ya I have nothing to say about the other cast members, all with "holier than thou" and "more A-List than thou" attitudes, and they make the word "QUEEN" sound masculine. Enough on them, I will give them kudos for being so ridiculous that my attention was held for a bit as I had never seen anything like it. All they care about is fame and for no apparent reason - FAME WHORES.

Also finally watched Jersey Shore cos people wont stop talking about it. And I gotta say the only I find hot is Ronnie. I like who he is and seems more real than Mike is and seems to take care of the people around him. He is also masculine and has hairy legs. Love it. Whereas for Mike, the dude needs to calm down and he is not my type at all. And Mike, the 90's gay scene called, they want the hairstyle back cos you are ruining their image.

So a few years ago, I had some of those sexually weak moments and during those days I would browse facebook a lot and look at guys photos. I would add the randomest guys on my facebook (deleted them now though). One of them was this model dude, and I added him. Instead of confirming my request, he emailed me back saying something like hey whos this and whats up and that kinda stuff. My profile pic was just of me. I did not reply to him cos I dint know what to say to him. A week later, he wrote to me again and asked me the same thing like yo who is this bro and stuff like that. The dude was persistent. So I just replied saying a friend of mine had hacked into my profile and had added 100s of people as a joke. So I told him I was sorry and did not mean to add him. He replied to me saying that it was not the first time a guy had added him by mistake or had that answer. I mean I did add him cos I liked him and I thought he might be gay or something. But I had no idea why he was so persistent. I mean normally when someone I dont know adds me I either ignore it or I might ask who they are but only once. I dont know maybe the dude liked me. Maybe he wanted to date me. I kind of liked him too. The pic above this paragraph of the model laying on the floor and water with the speedo on is of him.

So I have been very horny for the past few weeks. I have been jerking off every single day and often a few times a day. And even after I rub one out, I still walk around with a hard on. There will be days when I will be hanging out with friends or just partying and the whole day I will have a huge boner and sometimes I wont be able to walk or will just shiver. I am so friggin horny. I have found some great porn online but still on the lookout for more great ones.

So dudes come on I need more responses on the manscaping post. Come on boys give some advice.

Manscaping

2011-01-05T15:15:00.001-08:00

I was recently asked by a reader a few questions regarding sex and related stuff. He mentioned that he is a bottom and unsure about manscaping and what tops seem to prefer or like. His question was as follows:

"I am pretty smooth, hairless chest and back. My legs are hairy and my crotch is well kept and my ass is hairless on cheeks but crack itself is very hairy. The area around my hole is very hairy. I dont like waxing so I have never gotten rid of it although I shave my crotch. So what should I do, do tops prefer hairy assholes or waxed assholes? I am a fratboy so am not concerned with the hair. But what do tops prefer, hairless assholes or hairy assholes? I just dont want to wax it. So I just want to know if tops would prefer a hairy ass. If not, then would hairy asses still be ok."

I did not know what to say to the dude cos my sex life with guys, as you all know, is not that happening at the moment. And I would never wax myself at all. I am a man and I like the hair on my body. I will never wax my hairy legs. And I like my hairy ass.

Sidenote: Boys when you make a donation, make sure you notify me so I can thank you. I have received two donations through the donate button but I dont know who to thank because I dont who to email. If you are reading then thank you. I am very grateful.

Ping podcast

Where do I stand?

2011-01-02T17:37:00.001-08:00

Bro, I have put up the donate button. The reason as to why the donate button is on the blog now has been explained here (please click on the link). When you donate to the blog, the payment is listed on your statement as "dude'sblog", this way you can be discrete about it if you want to. If you dont want to be discrete about it then thats fine too. Thanks for the support man.

Now for today's post. A dilemma is where I am at. Not a certain junction or a fork
in the road but a DILEMMA. I find myself looking at a world where I dont fit in and a world I dont identify with. Where do I go from here? Who do I look to for guidance?

I am currently at a big city. No, its not Miami or NY. And it was at this big city, that I found myself at a gay bar. After spending some time at the gay bar and talking to a few people, I went home empty-handed and alone. Yup, slept alone. And this is the dilemma, I find myself in. I dont identify myself with that world. I dont feel at home at a gay bar. I didnt at all. I wasnt attracted to those guys in that gay bar. I looked around, just felt lost and did not connect.

So I guess Im stuck between two worlds now. A rigid straight world and a the flamboyant gay world. I dont identify with either. I am a guy who does not identify with the gay world whose cliches I don't relate to and a straight world I dont belong to. So where should I go to meet a possible date, get a boyfriend or a husband. Heck, where do I go to just have a good time knowing that the other guys there will be gay too, and maybe we will dance, or talk, kiss without having to constantly think about being a flagbearer or being a cliche.

I have the utmost respect for the guys at the gay bar and I have no rights to judge them. I am not judging them. But I dont identify with them. I dont identify with that world.

A lot of my friends say about me "people fall in love with you when they see you or when they get to know you" and I have challenged this fact but they are adamant. A lot of the guys and girls I know say, "so many people have a crush on you or are in love with you and want to be with you" and "girls and guys both, a lot of girls and a LOT of guys, straight or gay, even if they claim to be straight as soon as u are in front of them, they fall in love with you or suddenly become gay just for you". Flattering compliments, you would say right? I must already be in a great relationship right? Then why is it that I am still SINGLE. Why is that I sitll find myself going to bed alone?

I am tired of the guessing game in college. A few of my friends have started keeping a tally of the number of girls and guys. I know the girls that are supposedly in love with me cos they are very expressive about their feelings or their crush and they let me know very well how they feel. I know the guys too cos they are very expressive about their feelings too. And then there are the guys who want to simply be best friends or a bromance, and they are very expressive too cos sometimes at one party I will get four or five guys shouting out "I love you man" or "I love you so much man, I look upto you bro, I have respect for you bro". So ya I know how to differentiate between the ones that have a crush, are in love and the ones that simply want a bromance.

The reason I am so mad at this whole guessing game at college is cos many of these guys are too scared to make the first move. They have all the strength and are fearless to stare at me for a long time but speechless and scared when it comes to saying something to me, telling me how they feel for me, asking me out, telling me they have feelings for me or telling me they want to be with me. They wont make the first move. I know I could make the first move too, but Im not the one who keeps staring. And I know they are staring cos my peripheral vision is awesome haha and most of them are not very subtle. And I never make the first move, cos I am old fashioned haha. Maybe I am too scared or maybe I am too old fashioned, I dont know. All I am saying is if u are fearless enough to stare for so long then make the first move too. I want to be with a MAN. So be a man.

I hear it always from my friends and the people around me, but little do they know that their so called "catch" and "total package" is very much alone and is very lonely. There are always people around me and you will always find me in huge groups of guys and girls and apparently everywhere I go I always take or am with a huge crowd. Yes in that way I am not alone. But in other ways, I am alone and very lonely. You all know very well which "way" I am talking about.

So once again the same question "where do I go to meet a possible date? Heck, where do I go to just have a good time knowing that the other guys there will be gay too and the only guessing game there will be does he like me or not, maybe we will dance, talk, kiss without having to think about being a flagbearer or being a cliche?". I will be in Washington DC for a few days then NY for a few months. So maybe someone out there knows of some place.

Your Bro,
Jake Walsor
A Popular Dude's Secret Life

This Blog

2010-12-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Dudes. Brothers. Friends. Countrymen. Hot Romans.

Having taken a long break from blogging I guess I have decided to start again. Apart from the usual happenings, a lot has been going on in the past year. I had very little time to blog in the past year due to many reasons. I was in hospital for months, then back to college which was very busy and working. Working a LOT.

A lot has happened in the SECRET LIFE. A lot has happened in the dating life. Lets just say someone very important that I have talked about in this blog, well we have stopped talking. Completely. Will blog about that some other time. Some of the "Stolen glances" men and me have taken things further. By some I mean more than "some". Phew. By further, it could mean anything. Will blog about that too.

I was in the hospital due to a serious health issue that caused me to miss another semester. This means that I still have a year and half left to graduate. Which frustrates me because I feel like its too slow. The hospital did make me better but after having spent a few months in one, the insurance company told me that they will not be paying for any of it. Now I have six figure debts which are on the multiple six figures and only from hospital. My parents are not paying for it so now three jobs and college at the same time. Although I kept grades and partying intact, they lowered scholarships due to the economy so now I have to fork out more money for education too. And my medications cost a lot too. So currently paying for hospital bills, tuition, medications, books and rent. Parents do help with some of the tuition though. So a lot has been happening in my life. I am still the same guy tho, just a lot busier. And I still adore my life. These are just a few potholes.

I have gotten a lot of emails from my readers and I am so grateful everyone cares so much. I will be personally replying to many and will feature some on here after getting approval from the readers. And to those dudes who sent me photos, thanks, I like em and I will be putting some up on here, after your approval of course.

Also to everyone with blogs, if you like my blog please link me to yours and I will do the same for you. If also someone has the time, please send my blog link to other bloggers that you read so that they can share my link too. I would appreciate it a lot. Now that I have decided to return to blogging I want to do with a BANG.

I want to do something else on the blog. I dont know if its a good idea but I know its not cheesy or wont be seen as bad taste as this blog has been around for a while. I am thinking about adding a DONATE button on this blog. So that readers will be able to donate some money if they want to. Remember you dont have to, you can if you want to. You decide how much you want to donate. Im sorry if this sounds very bad. The money will help me pay for the bills and will free up some time for me to do other stuff. I want to mention once more that you dont have to donate, only do so if you want to. I just do not want to fill this blog up with google ads. Also another question is "How can I put a donate button on this blog, while still being able to hide my identity?".

And if any of my readers are great with designing blogs, let me know cos I need help. I know what I want my blog to look like but dont know how to do it. So if anyone can help that would be great thanks.

Peace out.
Your bro,
Jake Walsor
A Popular Dude's Secret Life

My Brothers

2010-04-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Wadup dudes!

I have been good. Thanks for the tons of email wondering how I was and all that.

I have been thinking of deleting the blog as of late. But not sure what I want to do yet.

I know I have a lot of stuff I want to talk about. I also know I have not told you guys the whole story about Jake and Brody.

But if I do decided to keep blogging you shall see a post soon. If not, I will delete this blog.

Thanks all.

I commend Ricky Martin on coming out. Give him some credit for it guys. Tired of hearing the whole "whats news about that" "Its 10 years too late" shit. He should be able to do it on his own terms. Not when someone coaxes him to or interrogates him about it. He is a great father and I hope he gives a beautiful life to his sons. Thats all that matters. Once again I respect you Ricky.

Dave Graham - My Idol Who Is Gay

2009-06-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

As the summer wind blows, I look out the window and I see life. Life that continues on, repeating itself. Hiding itself. Revealing itself. Reveling in itself.

Pitter Patter Pitter Patter raindrops hit New York buildings really hard.

Every drop like the next one after it. Every drop like the one before it..............

Then once in a while comes a person who breaks out of this repetition that life has forced on us. One such person is Dave Graham or David Graham. He was a contestant on the Australian Big Brother. He came out during the show.

You may be thinking "Why is he my idol when there have been lots and lots of contestants on the Big Brother show, all over the world, who have been gay?"

My answer: There have been tons of people who are gay on Big Brother everywhere. There are more people on TV who are gay. But the reason he is my idol, is not because he is gay.

On the TV show he was not afraid to show his emotions. He was not afraid to tell his housemates and the viewers watching the show, that he hoped the one he loved would be waiting for him when he came out of the house. He was not afraid to put a photo of his lover next to him and stare at it, in front of millions of viewers. He showed the world not what it was to be gay, but that there is no difference between heterosexual love and homosexual love. He showed the world that just because someone was gay did not mean that they were a deviant. Straight viewers saw the longing, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, the heartache and the fondness he felt for his lover and made those viewers realize that there was no difference but a stark similarity between straight love and gay love.

The other contestants threw a barrage of questions at him and he in turn, answered all of their curiosities and gave them a reason to remove their confusion and doubts. He was unabashed by questions about sex between two men and explained to his heterosexual housemate that "men's assholes are built for sex, and just intercourse between two men without jerking off the bottom's penis can make them both have orgasms". When asked if he did not find the asshole dirty, his response was "I have found stuff in a women's vagina more times than I have found something in a men's asshole. Rarely do i find anything in a men's asshole". Trust me, he helped clear a lot of the questions I had in my mind too.

You see, a lot of people who try reality TV end up thinking that just being GAY will be a STATEMENT and give them a personality through which they can survive on the show. But little do they realize that doing so only makes me people see the word GAY. Its like a straight person going on TV and telling people what kind of person fat/thin/blonde/brunette they like having sex with and hoping that their preference of hair color or body shape will give them a personality. (I hope what I just said makes sense, Im not a great writer).

I have time and again maintained that being gay is only a part of what makes a person. It is not the whole person. I hope people still remember that. I hope kids who find my blog while sitting in their rooms with their doors locked and hearts racing will remember it too. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Just google Dave Graham or look for the videos on youtube.

Tonight You Are Mine Completely

2009-06-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

This truth happens one March around the time I was 13. This was before I met Brody. Even before the high school that I went to with Brody. This was long before I knew love. This was during those days when I was a love virgin. There was these two boys at the summer camp I went to. They both were in my group. Now I am going to tell you their story as I heard it. Many summers ago there were two boys.......................... Two hearts that beat freely, found each other and through a common rhythm were united..........

It was not love at first sight............ they were just two friends who during a road trip found their hands intertwined under their jackets.......... hidden from friends around them....... but very visible to their own hearts and senses. They had met two years ago and had been coming to the same camp every March during a month long break from school. One of them was, for the purposes of this blog lets name him Justin - he was very much like me. He was a total clone of me. The other one was Miles- the total jock, popular, dumb, laughed at jokes 10 secs later than his friends did, ladies man himself and very hot. They both had become friends since their first time on camp. That was when Justin was 11 and Mile was 14. Now Justin was 13 and Miles was all of 16. Miles was only two years older than Justin but due to the months they were born in, they happened to be of that particular age on that March.

Miles and Justin were in the same group of friends at the camp. Their group always hung out together when they were there. And the group was a fraternity in its own right and the members were either or all jocks, popular guys, athletes, bullies, tough guys and homecoming kings. This was a very reputed camp and people from every part of the country sent their kids here. And their group had their own reputation.

It was a joke among the guys to pretend to kiss each other. It was a frat house atmosphere. But with guys that were 11-16 years old. Miles would at times jokingly ask Justin to give him a kiss. Justin would just smile coyly and look away and laugh it off. There were even times when Miles caught Justin and kissed him all over his neck, but everyone took it as a joke. Miles at times left hickies on Justin's neck. It was all very playful and regarded funny. Justin and Miles continued their lives being friends. Until two years later, on this particular March, things were to change. Whatever was to happen would change Justin's life for ever.

This time, the camp decided to take the 30 or so boys at the camp on a week long road trip.
During this trip they went through many cities and spent nights in different hotels. This particular day was cold rainy. They were up North somewhere along the mountains in an 8 person SUV with some more cars tailgaiting behind them in which were the rest of the boys from the camp. The whole group of friends were huddled against each other. Justin rested his head on Miles' shoulders. Even though the heater was on, it was cold as one of the window panes were missing. Everyone had layers of jackets and coats on top them.

A caress...... A gentle touch.......... Miles touches back........ Justin is uncertain but touches Miles' hands gently with his fingers again............... Miles replies with a gentler caress............ Then slowly their fingers intertwine. They held each other's hands. For the next hour before the SUV came to a stop, their hands remained locked. It was very hidden, a secret known to the two of them only but it was happening under some coats. A whisper of a passion. So silent. So soft. Yet two hearts heard it.

The SUV came to a stop and everyone got off the SUV and the other cars too, to take a look around and stretch their legs. Justin felt shy and almost embarrassed to look into Miles' eyes. So Justin avoided Miles, but knew that Miles was looking at him. Justin and Miles just smiled as they started to get back into the SUV and sat in the same spots.

Then they held hands again. They were entering a new world and neither could stop themselves.

By evening they had reached another city where they booked a couple of hotel rooms. It was on a mountain top so with snow around them, it was very cold. Some of the boys got started on a bonfire. It was all a lot fun. Awesome bonfire, awesome food, awesome cold weather, awesome atmosphere, awesome moonlight, and an awesome desire was known to two guys. At night, the group of best friends decided to sleep in the same room. They joined the two king beds and 5 of them slept in the same bed. It was a bunk of fun. But it was all very platonic. Justin took his spot between his best friend and Miles. And two other boys slept on the same bed too. The other boys had filled up the other rooms. Miles took Justin's arm and put it under his head. Justin finding it weird took it away. Then they all fell asleep. Except Justin and Miles.

Justin could not fall asleep cos Miles was lying next to him. Miles could not sleep too. That night they fell asleep holding hands.

The next day the boys set off for another city. They got into the cars and soon they reached another equally cold city. After a bit of sightseeing everyone headed to the hotel room. The boys got a movie as it was too cold outside and stayed in. For an hour or so, the 30 or so guys bundled up in one room to watch a movie.

Miles and Justin laid next to each other. And hoping the others would take it as friendship, Justin put his head on Miles' arms instead of a pillow and Miles just smiled. Miles held Justin and underneath the duvet, they held hands. Lying on that bed, their bodies emitted warmth but no matter how warm it got, they dared not remove the blanket off of them, so as to not risk letting go of each other's hands.

One of Miles' best friend looked at the two of them and smiled. He came over to Miles and Justin.

Miles' best friend: Justin could I lie next to you too.

But Justin just laughed it off and so did Miles. Then after the movie, everyone went out and started playing with the snow.

A couple of the boys wanted to go around town and check out the ladies. Justin's best friend decided to stay back so Justin stayed with him too. Miles was going with the other boys so he asked Justin if he wanted to come along, but Justin refused and told him that he would stay with his best friend as he was not going.

So Miles put his arm out for Justin. Miles just wanted a high five from Justin before leaving. Justin smiled and responded. This was more then a high five, there was a caress there, too soft for the naked eye, but all too visible to the two beating hearts.

That night Justin and Miles slept in the room with their own group again. There was 4 king beds. But they joined them and made them into two king beds. Justin, Miles and their two best friends slept in one of the joined beds. But on this night, one of their best friends slept between the two boys. Justin was on the edge of the bed. He decided to tell his best friend that it was too cold on the edge of the bed so needed to sleep in the middle so as to not catch a cold. The best friend agreed and let him sleep in the middle. Miles was happy as Justin was finally next to him.

They held hands the whole night. The next morning Justin had a sharp pain in his hand and he opened his eyes to find Miles, still asleep, holding on to his hand tightly. Miles had fallen asleep with the grip of a hungry lion on Justin's hand.

Justin opened his eyes more and looked around to find that everyone was already awake and walking around the room. So that means that they might have seen Justin and Miles holding hands. Justin pretended to be asleep as he did not want to free his hand and wake Miles. A little while later Miles woke up and let go of Justin's hand. Justin's hand hurt for the rest of the day. It was nearly time to head back to their camp. So all the boys boarded the bus and left.

The 30 or so boys got back to their camp. From their group, Justin and his best friend roomed together in a completely different area of the camp and Miles and the rest of their best friends roomed in a huge hall with about eleven other 16 year old boys. That night Justin abandoned his own bed and went to Miles' dorm even though there was strict penalties and punishments for doing this. Then after talking to the rest of the guys from their group, Justin told them that he wanted to sleep there that night. And the only empty bed. in this hall of eleven boys, was next to Miles. So the guys told Justin to sleep on that bed. Miles finding some excuse joined his bed to the empty bed. Then Miles and Justin went to bed. Everyone fell asleep but Miles and Justin were awake.

In the dark of the night, they laid in the same bed next to each other, hugging each other, nothing else. Hours passed by but the desire in them burnt more and more fierce. They laid there hugging each other as neither knew how, when or in what way they should take the next step. They had not even kissed yet. Under the blanket, which they used to hide their embrace, heat soared. They were sweating so much that they felt like they were in a shower. But neither was ready to let go of the other. They clung to each other like their life depended on it. They were wrapped around each other like a gymnast to a pole. They had no intention of letting go. Justin had the right part of his face on top of the right part of Miles' face, so the sweat from both of their cheeks mingled as they slept on their sides so that they could hug each other with ease. Perhaps that was the only way they could avoid being seen as lying on top of each other would mean they might get noticed. At times, they would remove the duvet to get some fresh air, they would put their heads up to get a bit of air and then they would put their faces next to each other again. Then they would put the duvet cover over them again. Dawn would come and they would realize they had not slept yet. They did not let go of each other.

Then it was morning and reluctantly Justin let go of Miles and went back to his dorm. Nothing happened that night yet so much had happened. The next day Miles and Justin went about and hung out with their group. Miles wanted to be with Justin more. Miles wanted to spend every day with Justin. Everything had a new meaning for Justin. He did not understand this new feeling but he knew one thing.......... he liked it.

That evening after dinner, the whole camp had retreated to different rooms for activities and Miles went into the room where Justin was. And after talking to some guys, Miles looked at Justin

Miles: You are sleeping in our hall tonight.

It was not a request. It was not a question. It was an order. He talked to Justin, like Justin belonged to him. Justin did not answer. He did not have to. Cos Miles was not looking for an answer. Miles knew. Justin knew.

That night, Miles joined his bed to the empty bed. Justin and Miles did not need those two beds cos Miles' single bed was enough for the both of them.

As the hall fell asleep, Justin and Miles clung to each other. The same routine was followed. Justin's right side of face on Miles' right side of face. Laying on their sides. Arms hugging each other. Sweat pouring. Heat soaring. Underneath a duvet, two people's world was changing. Neither had the courage to take the next step. Each waited for the other to take things further. A few hours later, Justin knew something had to be done. Even though he was younger among the two, he decided to move his lips closer to Miles' lips. Everything stood still. Miles moved his lips closer to Justin's lips. Justin moved it closer again. Then Miles became the daring one and put his lips on Justin lips. Then their mouths opened and Miles put his tongue in Justin's mouth. Justin sucked on his tongue and then he put his tongue in Miles' mouth. Miles' sucked Justin's tongue like he was on a mission. They had a 2 minute smooch and neither wanted to let go.

Miles started kissing Justin's neck. Justin held on to Miles. Miles then went on to caress Justin's butt but from the outside of his jeans. Justin put his hands on Miles' firm chest. Then Miles' put his hands down Justin's boxers and caressed his butt. Justin's hands were on Miles' treasure trail. He just caressed that area above the belt. Miles' patted him and squeezed his butt as if to say "Go on". Justin was still uncertain so he just caressed his treasure trail. Then Miles squeezed his butt again. Justin put his hands down Miles' boxers and held his thick dick. The kiss became stronger. Miles put his hands on to Justin's boxers and held his dick. They just kept on making out. Then Miles felt Justin's hole and caressed it. It was dawn and nearly time for them to get up but they did not stop. As hot as it was underneath that duvet, they went on, sweating and clinging.

The night was not long enough and the next day they went about doing the routine things. The night came and once again Justin was absent from his dorms and was instead laying in Miles' bed.

The night started with a lot of kissing. Miles grabbed Justin's dick and squeezed it. Then he felt Justin's asshole and caressed it. Justin and Miles kissed tenderly. Miles kissed Justin all over his neck but he was careful not to leave a mark. Miles put his fingers inside Justin's sweet hole. One finger first softly, then two fingers. This virgin hole shivered and trembled at every touch. Miles' pressed Justin's head down but Justin did not want to give a blowjob. Justin did not want to put a dick in his mouth and hated the thought of it so he refused. Then Miles asked Justin to turn around. Justin did as he was told. Then Miles spooned Justin. Justin felt Miles' dick on his butt. Justin turned his head around and they went on kissing. Miles asked Justin to lick his palm. Justin did. Miles used Justin's spit to lubricate Justin's hole. Miles asked Justin to lick his palm again then he put it on Justin's hole. It definitely did not seem like Miles' first time. Then Miles aimed the tip of his dick on Justin's hole. He had trouble pushing it into the tight hole. Miles held Justin's hand. Then he tried again. This time with much more force and thrust. Miles' dick was inside Justin's hole. Justin squirmed in pain. Justin had wanted this for long but he was not ready for this pain. He squirmed and asked Miles to take it out. Miles did. Justin turned around and they went on kissing. After a bit Miles asked Justin to turn around again. Justin did. After the same routine, he managed to get his dick inside Justin's hole and then they started kissing. Miles started the movement slowly. Then he picked up some pace. Both started breathing heavily. Miles' dick slipped out. After a dozen of swear words, Miles held his dick and put it into Justin's hole again. Then he started his hip motions. Later, Miles turned around to let Justin do him. Justin felt Miles' ass but he did not know how he felt about shoving his dick inside Miles' asshole so he asked Miles to turn around. And they kissed again. Miles held Justin's dick and gave him a hand job. Justin took deep and heavy breaths. Justin's sperm squirted out on Miles' hand. That night Miles was Justin belonged to each other completely.

Justin had always thought about what his first time would be like. He had found his oasis in Miles and he had fallen in love. First lust? or First love? Miles had taken Justin's virginity. He did not know it but he took Justin's heart too. Justin was smitten.

The next night followed. Justin and Miles assumed their normal positions. But on this night another of their very good friends from their group decided to sit on their bed and have a group chat. They went on talking. Miles was laying down on the bed next to Justin. But Justin was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. He was talking to their friend and his friend had no intention of going to bed yet.

Miles was hugging Justin underneath the duvet and kept caressing Justin to ask him to lie down. Justin felt uncomfortable in front of their friend. Soon he lied down too but he kept his head propped up to talk to the friend. But every so often he would put his head down and him and Miles would kiss. Then he would put his head up and talk to the friend. Then he would put his head back down and they would kiss. He put his hand on Miles' firm bare chest. Miles hugged Justin and did not let go. The desire was too strong. The friend had to give them some privacy. But how could they tell their friend? Did the friend notice anything? Very likely. Did the friend say anything? No. Soon the friend went to his bed and fell asleep. And Justin and Miles embraced each other. Justin kissed every part of Miles face. Miles kissed every part of Justin's face too. They felt each other's warm breath. Miles kissed Justin's bottom lip. Justin kissed Miles' top lip. Miles sucked on Justin's top lip. Justin sucked on Miles' bottom lip. The night belonged to them............. Justin turned around and Miles shoved his dick inside Justin's hole. It slipped out and Justin was in pain. Justin and Miles kissed. Miles aimed the tip of his dick at Miles' hole and then he thrust really hard and rough. The dick went in fully but Justin was in pain. Justin was Miles' completely. Miles was Justin's completely.

After some nights, the boy who usually slept on the empty bed next to Miles returned. One night as they were getting ready for the night, Miles got mad at that guy cos his bed was really close. He ordered that guy to take his bed further away and not come anyway near us.

Then they embraced each other. Miles had bought a new jock strap so after sex Justin helped put his jock strap back on and tucked his dick in the pouch. Justin fell asleep in his arms. Their hands holding each other. At times, Miles would let go of Justin's hand to rub his face or scratch somewhere but then he would bring it back and hold Justin's hand again. Justin did not care if they had sex or not, all he wanted to do was kiss and hug Miles and be in his arms. He would not mind spending the whole night like this.

Their life continued at the camp. At times when Justin would be with the other guys doing their evening PT out on the field, he would see Miles playing basketball with his friends.

Miles would look at Justin and just stare at him and he had the look on his face and they went on staring at each other. When they would be doing group activities and sitting together with their friends, Miles would put his hands on top of Justin's hands and squeeze. But they were too scared that someone would notice so they would let go.

They were a lot closer than they were before and everyone began to notice. Justin spent less time with his best friend and more time with Miles, even during the day. Miles told Justin about his life and his family. Justin began dreaming of a life with Miles. Justin was ready to run away with Miles. Justin was ready to elope with Miles and build a life together somewhere far away. Justin and Miles both had their reputations at stake. Justin was the token star at the camp and his school. Even at that age, everyone admired and looked up to him. But for the first time, Justin did not care about this reputation. He knew that if everyone found out about him and Miles, he would not be scared to stand in front of everyone and tell them that he is in love with Miles. He was ready to put everything on the line. He did not care what people thought. He would definitely stand in front of everyone on stage and tell them that he is in love with Miles. If need be. It was a new feeling and he liked it.

Miles and Justin slept on the same bed for many nights. Some nights Miles just kissed Justin and held him in his arms. And other nights were filled with soft and rough sex.

Then one night Miles asked Justin to go and sleep in his own bed. Justin was pissed off but he went to his own bed. Then another night Miles told Justin that he could sleep in their hall but only if he slept on some other bed. So Justin, due to there not being any empty beds, bunked with this guy who he thought of as a brother. The same night, the camp coordinator went around inspecting the halls and finding Justin in a different hall took him back to his own hall. Justin did not understand why Miles behaved the way he did. Justin had even started praying to God to make them together. He prayed everyday to ask God to unite them and make them together. He was smitten, sinking and there was no cure.

One evening while the whole group was playing ball, Miles sprained his ankle and was in terrible pain. Justin at once rushed to his aid and watched as some dude bandaged his ankle and helped him. Justin did not want to appear too close as he did not want others to start suspecting things. When Miles went to bed with his bandaged feet that hurt really bad, he saw Justin come with him. Miles asked him to go away. But Justin did not. That night Justin did not sleep in his bed cos Miles wanted to be alone so instead Justin bunked with the guy that slept next to Miles' bed. That whole night Justin tossed and turned. He needed Miles to hold him. He needed Miles to just hug him. Nothing more. He did not want to have sex. Just holding and hugging would be fine. Suddenly Justin unconsciously put his head up and kissed. Suddenly he woke up and realized what he had done. He had just kissed this other dude in his sleep thinking that it was Miles. It was just a peck and nothing else so he hoped that the guy would not notice. So he went back to sleep. The next day as the guys were hanging out, the guy who Justin mistakenly gave a kiss to, asked Justin to come and sleep in their hall again. Justin just laughed it off and said that he couldn’t cos he had to go back to his own hall.

Days passed by and their stay at the camp was coming to an end. One night they were all having dinner at the halls. Justin, Miles and some of the guys from their group were having dinner on the same table. Justin and Miles were sitting opposite each other. And they were all talking about stuff. Suddenly Miles started joking and talked about marriage.

Then he laughingly suggested that Justin and Billy (this guy who was nicknamed a “fag”) should get married. At this point, Justin’s heart broke and smashed into pieces. He felt a stab. A painful piercing stab and tears just flowed from his eyes. Without another word, Justin picked up his plate and threw it at Miles. Then he got up, left the table and went and sat with some of the big guys from his hometown. The guys from his hometown asked him what had happened and he told them that he was mad at someone but did not say anything else. Then as he sat there sobbing and unable to stop his tears, he felt hurt. This was his first heartbreak…………..

He looked up and he saw Miles staring at him from the table he was sitting at. Miles had the puppy look on his face and he just kept looking at Justin. Justin got madder so he got up from his seat and sat on the opposite side of the same table so that his back would face Miles. He did not want to look at Miles. Or even speak to him. Then Miles came to the table and asked Justin to talk to him. He asked Justin to come with him. But Justin refused. Miles asked Justin to come with him again. Justin shouted at him and told him to go away and began sobbing. Then the big guys from Justin’s hometown protected Justin and asked Miles to leave Justin alone. Miles went on talking to Justin. The big guys got mad and told Miles to leave their table. But Miles went on talking and wanted Justin to just come back to their table. The big guys got mad at Miles and ordered him to leave.Miles got pissed off and left. Justin just sat there crying. Justin sobbed. Anything to take his mind off of the pain. Anything to block the sound of his heart breaking.

Days went by with Miles being ignored by Justin. Justin wanted nothing to do with him.It was the last few days of camp and soon they would go back home. On the last day of camp, there was to be a theater production to which all the parents and students were invited. Justin was starring in one of the plays and Miles was just a cop as an extra in the other play.Justin was getting ready in the dressing room when he heard someone call his name out. It was Miles. Miles had come to borrow Justin’s toy gun as he needed it for his role. Miles and Justin looked at each other. It was the look. Justin gave it to Miles and got back to getting ready as his play was after Miles’ play.

Someone told him that Miles was leaving to go back home after the play was over. Justin wanted to say bye to Miles and just tell him to take care of himself before he left. So Justin performed his part and hurried downstairs to get out of his costume so that he would be able to say goodbye to Miles.

Justin ran out of the hall. He looked towards the gate and ran towards it. He ran as fast as he could. He asked the security staff at the gate if they had seen Miles. Apparently Miles had already left. Justin wanted to go out of the gate and check if Miles was still there, maybe. The security staff did not let Miles do that. He was not allowed even for a sec to look out of the gate.

Miles went back to the auditorium and sat with his friends to watch the other plays. His best friend asked him stuff about the play and he just nodded.

That evening Justin and his best friend packed their bags to be ready to leave the next day. Justin’s best friend told him that Miles had said something to him. Justin looked at his best friend.

Justin's best friend: Miles told me that you are gay.

Justin looked at his best friend.

Justin: Huh?

He was very composed for a person whose secret had just come out. He did not tremble. He didn’t get mad. He just looked at his best friend.

Justin's best friend: He told me that you gave him a two minute smooch and then shoved your hand down his boxers and grabbed his dick.

Justin looked at his friend and without a tremble in his lips, without a sign of fear and without any fumbling

Justin: Yes it did happen, but not exactly how he laid it out, I don’t wanna sit here giving you all the details, but it did happen, just not in the way he said it did.

You see, Justin had lied to his friends in the past about a lot of stuff. Like all teenagers do, he too had lied on several occasions. But this time, Justin did not want to lie. He did not want to lie to his best friend. He did not want to cover anything up. Nor did he want to make any excuses. He knew that Miles had carefully excluded all the details and just said the things that would make Justin look like the sole perpetrator and make Justin look like the only guy who was gay. Justin did not want to sit there sorting through all the details and tell his side of the story and show to his best friend that he was not the only perpetrator. And he did not want to sound whiny and say who did what and how and when. Justin just took a deep breath.

Justin: He has not told you everything, all I can say is that there is a lot more to this story and that’s it.

His best friend just looked at him.

Justin's best friend: Bro I thought you were going to deny it, I thought you were gonna say that you were not in your right mind and you did not know what you were thinking or that you were not thinking clearly but you didn't.

Justin: Dude, I don’t want to lie to you about anything, I just want you to know that there is a lot more to this story then what Miles told you.

Justin’s best friend just said OK and left it at that. After the bags were packed, Justin and his best friend went for a walk. He told his best friend that he felt that he would not be coming back to camp anymore. His best friend asked him to stop talking like that. But Justin knew, things had changed and his life would change with it, he could feel it. The next morning Justin said bye to his tearful best friend. He went back home. Next year when it was time for camp, everyone returned but Justin didn’t. Justin never came back to camp. Justin never returned to that camp again.
Justin was hurt. Now Justin knows that what he had with Miles was not love. It was anything but love. It was carnal desire. It was infatuation. But not love. Justin was not in love with Miles. How do I know for sure? Cos Justin is me. Jake and Justin are the same person. So I know that I was not in love with Miles. It did not take me more than a month to get over Miles. There was heartbreak and it hurt, but don't shed tears cos it was hurt from failed infatuation. I could not have gotten over it faster. I left that camp and I never returned to that camp.

Whatever was between me and Brody was love. I was in love with Brody so it took me years to get over him. Brody was my first love.
Miles was my first sex with a guy. Thats all. Did Miles take advantage of me seeing that I was only 13? No, cos I enjoyed the sex fully, I wanted it as much as he did. I might have only been 13 then but everyone who knew me would tell you that I always stood for what I believed and would never let anyone take advantage and ridicule me or my beliefs or my friends or my family. Even at that age I was not scared of speaking for myself and my rights if I was provoked. And Miles was nothing but a guy who took my gay virginity. I enjoyed it as much as Miles did. I held his body as tightly as he had held mine. I mistook desire and lust for love. I mistook infatuation for pure love. Hence, it took me no time to get over that guy. Within a month of leaving that camp I was over that guy and within a few months I had multiple crushes on several guys lol. You see Miles had done me a huge favor. He had sexually liberated me and I had my life in front of me and maybe for that I am grate

A few years later, Brody came into my life. And he showed me what true love was and changed my life forever. You guys know Brody and Jake's story. He takes the position of being my first love. Guys thanks for all the awesome words of support you have shown to me. I have loved every comment and email I have gotten from you. I am going to try and get back to you personally. Also add me on aim, the username is secretblogging. The only thing I want to let everyone about chatting with me is that I will not be giving out personal information like: where my hometown is, what university I go to, what year I am in college, my name or send out my photos. Just anything along those lines I am not going to answer. Please dont get offended, I am not trying to be rude, I just dont want anyone to join the dots and figure out my identity. Also when we begin chatting just let me know a little about ur life, whatever you wanna tell me, so that I can have an idea of who I am talking to. Everything about me is on here. So lets chat guys. I am looking forward to talking to you guys.

Slipping Away

2009-06-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

Just not in a very good way right now. Im going through a lot and am losing control of myself and the situation I am in.

You all know how negatively I view internet dating and cruising. But the past week all I have been doing is going through craiglists ads and sending my photos to unknown people. I have even made my own ad. I have thought about just going to random gay bars and hooking up with people. Today I even looked up cruising sites in New York City. I think I am trying to find some way to harm myself. Someway to take my frustration out. But (you may breathe again) I have not yet met anyone through craigslist or gone to a gay bar looking for random hookups or “cruised” the city yet.

New York is probably the only city where you can be alone and still feel entertained by the sheer volume of people around you. These days I find myself in the middle of Times Square, looking around, looking for something. I find myself walking down 14^th street trying to find bars that wont make me look odd as I sit on a table by myself and drink.

I know I have attempted suicide in the past. There have been times in my life when living had become unbearable. But it was never because I was gay. It was due to other problems. Me being gay had nothing to do with those attempts. I just wanted to make that clear. I know I don’t feel suicidal right now but I am at a very low point in my life. I feel very down. But a smile remains on my face. Cos I know its just a ride.

I went to my hometown for a few days. I just needed to be home. I remember that as soon as I cam home, my mom told me that she wants to divorce my dad as she does not want to live her life like this anymore. My mom is very lonely as me and my siblings are away at our own universities for months. My dad is always off on business trips. And she tells me that he never calls home. She tells me that he never calls her. My mom’s decision to leave my dad is what I had hoped for, like I mentioned earlier. But I am not at ease with it. It is what I wanted but I am sad about it. I think my mom has started seeing someone. It is all what I had hoped for. But it still troubles me. I remember thinking, a while ago, that it would be awesome if my mom would start seeing a great guy and be with him, even get married to him. A great guy who is deserving of my mom. A great guy who will never hurt her. A great guy who will respect her and love her.

I don’t know who the guy is or anything. I just know that my mom has started seeing someone and she returns home at around 4 am. This went on for several days and she always returned home late at night claiming that she had a meeting.

There is a part of me that wants to go upto my mom and let her know that I am ok with her seeing someone. That part of me wants me to tell my mom that she needs to make the right choice and date a great guy and be with a great guy. But then there is this other part that does not seem to correlate and just wants to shun my mom away. This other part makes me lock my room door and not talk to my mom. This part makes me ignore my moms calls. This part of me feels betrayed. Dunno why. My mom has made it clear that she will never marry again. But she tells me that she wants to live her life. What will the new man in her life be like? What if we don’t like him?

In some ways I am scared that I will not have a family anymore. My siblings are all off in different universities. Regardless of what my dad did, we were to be a family. We were to be together. But it seems like its slipping away. I am scared that I will lose my mom to another man. I have already lost a father, emotionally. If my mom has a new man in her life or if she marries someone, who will me and my siblings come home to. Where will we our home be? When semester ends and everyone goes home, where will we go? Who will I call my family? Its all very new to me and still it feels somewhat old. I don’t know how or what to tell myself to make it better. I am losing my family. I am losing my world. It’s a ride, its just a ride but till when.

I sit in the train thinking I would not care if the train crashed and I died. I sit in a car thinking, if I had an accident and I died, I would die content.

What does my God have planned for me? What does God have planned for my family? What am I to do? What am I to feel?

Furthering Glances

2009-05-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all those kind words. It really helps me. Advice has been pouring in from everywhere. I guess my readers truly care. Those long emails sent to me from you, shows to me that you have a beautiful heart and taking so much time out of your life for someone shows that you are a good person. I mean it guys...... really thanks.

So as to the update about what happened before our summer break......... hmmmm...... so now im friends with Cute William Moseley look-alike (click on the link to read about him). I have mentioned him previously. This is how we became friends. I went to my friends house party and he was there too. He was playing beer pong and after a little while, some of the guys and I was sitting around just talking. He came and sat with us. Then he introduced himself. And told me where he was from and all that. He told me about his summer plans too. It was very casual talk. Then I went back in an started playing beer pong. The next morning I added him on facebook. The next day I saw him at another party and we both said hi to each other and I was very friendly towards him, keeping it all very normal. Me him and a friend of ours took a pic together. He put his arms around me in the pic and its kinda cute lol. There were a lot of other people at the party so I just had fun . He was just sitting with some guys. We passed by each other the next day and he smiled and put his hands out for a "high five", I replied with a high five and we just small talk as we passed by each other. I think I was a bit too smiley. Not just with him but with some other people too during the day. Weirdo. Then sometime later, he was sitting by himself, so I went to say bye to him cos finals were over and everyone was ready to go home for summer break. So we talked for a little bit, then I told him to keep in touch through facebook over summer and we said the usual "have fun over summer" and all that. So ya, I dont know if I wanna go out with him, but I do wanna be friends with him. Like be very good friends. I also looked at his fb profile and one of his old status updates was him coming out. So it could either be as a joke or real. But if he did come out then he seems really happy and his friends, who are my friends too, seem to love him. His roommates, who I am friends with, love him too. I am really happy for him. So ya I do wanna be very good friends with him.

So I am friends with Goodlooker too now (click on good looker to read about him). We were both at a party and I was with my friends and we both saw each other. Then him and some of my friends were getting ready to do some shots. He was standing with this other girl getting ready to take a shot. And I was like "I have never met you guys before" and introduced myself to the girl. Small talk. He put his head forward and looked at me. And he told me his name and I told him my name too. I think he already knew my name but pretended to not know it. lol. I asked both of them where they were from and they told me. And we just talked. Then they took the shots. I took a pic of them. And then I just had fun with my friends for the rest of the night. The next morning we passed by each other. It was very awkward. He was like "How are you doing?" and I was like "Im good, how r u doing?" (I was nervous and I could tell he was nervous too). Then I got a bit too smiley again and was like "are you still hungover?" and he was like "no no, im good, i dint drink a lot". Trust me, he was nervous and I was too. Then we just kept walking by each other. Awkwarddddddddd......... I added him a couple of days ago and he accepted it. Im home now and I guess he is home too. I dont know whats gonna happen....

All American jock 4, Im guessing you all remember him. Well we was at the party too. He was getting really chatty with me cos I was pissed off at him being weird in class. He was just being really weird with me, like not talking to me much and all and I found that annoying so I just ignored him. He was there at the party and I pretended like I did not see him. Then he just stopped me and started talking to me. I was still pissed off at him so dint talk much but he kept talking. Then later he was on the other side of the room and I was on the couch with my friends and he gestured to me if he could come and sit next to me. Like he pointed to himself then pointed to me. So I gestured ya. He came over and started talking. Then we took some photos. I introduced him to this girl and I think that was about it. We are just friends. That is all I intend to be with him.

All American jock - so you all know about the email I sent to him. I have been thinking about this the past couple of days and I think I wanna tell him who I am. I dont know if I should, but I want to. I just hope it wont be awkward when we both get back to school. I have not figured it out yet. But I really want to. Lets see what happens.

Total All-American jock - I have talked about him before too. Well I was in the library there were a few seats empty next to me. He came and sat right next to me, instead of sitting on the other empty ones. Then he started talking to this guy who had some empty chairs next to him too. So I guess he wanted to sit next to me. I looked at him. I looked away. He looked at me. Then looked away. A couple of days later I saw him getting into his car. I was with my bros and I saw him just stare at me from inside his car. I just smiled but looked straight on. I kinda like wanna email him too. He graduated this year so I dont know what I am hoping for. He has no fb but I found him on the school footballers list and I now know his name. So I think I am just gonna find his email id from the school directory and email him. I dont know arrrrrrgghhhhhh.

On another news...... my very good bro is coming from italy. We are both planning to spend the summer together in NYC. I am planning to work somewhere and I think he is gonna work at his uncle's club somewhere downtown. Illegal no? Well he says that as its only for the summer its gonna be fine. And apparently a lot of his friends from italy, have done that before and a lot americans come to italy and work in bars and clubs without work visas. I guess its only for summer so it will be fine. We are just very good friends and I like it that way. I hope we have in NYC. Anyone wanna hang out?? lol just kidding. but let me know what the hotspots and great clubs are.

And remember I think you guys are awesome for being there. I love all the emails and comments.

DUDDDDEEEE SO I AM MAKING AN ADDITION TO THIS POST THAT I POSTED YESTERDAY COS I HAVE A FEW MORE THINGS TO SAY TODAY AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE A WHOLE NEW POST FOR IT. I JUST SAW THREE SAILORS AROUND MANHATTAN TODAYYYYYY. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH LOVE IT COS THEY WERE HOT IN THEIR UNIFORM. I WANNA MEET SOME SAILORS. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THEY HANG OUT IN NEW YORK?????? APPARENTLY ITS FLEET WEEK IN NEW YORK AND THERES LOTS HERE. WHERE DO THEY HANG OUT? SO SAILORS, IF ANY OF YOU ARE READING THEN MAIL ME COS I WANNA HANG OUT........ LOL..... SEND ME YOUR PHOTOS HAHA....... DONT WORRY IT WILL STAY VERY SAFE WITH ME......... DONT WORRY I WONT OUT YOU, COS IM NOT OUT EITHERRRRRR. MAIL ME.......

ON ANOTHER NOTE, SO IM WORKING AT THIS RESTAURANT AND I THINK THIS MANAGER IS COMING ON TO ME. ITS REALLLLLY AWKWARD. SO I THINK IM GONNA QUIT AND GET A JOB AT ANOTHER PLACE. BUT DUNNOOOOO THERE SEEMS TO BE VERY LITTLE BARS AND RESTAURANTS HIRING IN NYC.

MY BUDDY FROM ITALY ARRIVED TODAY AND WE HAD A BLAST TODAY. HE STARTS WORKING AT HIS UNCLES PLACE FROM TOMORROW. I AM JUST REALLY EXCITED. HOPE I WILL HAVE FUN.

Life Took A Sudden Turn

2009-05-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

Life has its way of making its own turns. We have a choice, either we accept this turn and adapt to it or use every bit of our might to turn it in our chosen way.

A lot has happened, so much so that I dont even remember what I had blogged about in previous post. I just finished my finals and came home for summer break.

When I started blogging, I knew that I did not want to blog about other aspects of my life. This would kind of ensure my privacy. But I have some problems and I need some help with it.

I have some family problems. I came back home and my mom told me that she wants to divorce my dad. Its been a long time coming. I think somewhere in my heart I wanted it too. If you knew my dad then you would probably ask my mom why she did not leave him ten years ago. He has managed to hurt my mom in every way possible. My mom is the greatest ever and she has always made our family her priority. I think about a year ago, I started thinking that I should ask my mom to divorce my dad. But then I thought, if I told her that then she would probably think that we were growing up and were tired of her and wanted her to go away. So I did not say anything. But when I came back home, my mom said it herself. Even though she had read my mind, I was shocked. But I did not react to it negatively. I just said nothing. But yesterday I told my mom, that I was OK with it. But I just dont want me and my siblings involved. She told me that she would not us at all. In a way, I think I should be there to support my mom and help her with it. I also wanna just turn a blind eye to it all. But I know that the smoothest way are not the right or best way. Or something like that. I just my mom to be happy. I want my mom to have a beautiful and happy life.

Now this is where you guys, my readers come in. I am pretty sure there must be some lawyers reading my blog, or people who know some really good lawyers. I need some advice. I want my mom to get everything that is in her right. I want my mom to get half of whatever my dad has. I dont want my mom to turn into a martyr in this relationship and walk away without anything. So I want my mom to get everything in her right. It will never be a substitute to whatever he has put her through, but it will be what is right. I dont want my mom to be the victim. We have spent enough years protecting our dad's name and thinking about our family's, now its time to think about the happiness of our life. Thats all. I dont care what country you are at, be it the US, Italy, France, UK, Greece, if you can help me or advise me on the next steps to take then let me know.

You can either help me or judge me. Its upto you but its time something is done about this.

Baring my thoughts to them

2009-04-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Dude, lot has happened in the last few weeks. I got a lot braver but not entirely.

I decided I wanted to contact two of the guys that I had been talking about. But I was too scared to contact them from my real email id or my real facebook. So I made a fake one. My thought was that if I described to them the glances, and if they were thinking about the same thing then they would know who I am. And they could choose to respond to the message. And if they choose not to respond then no harm done. And they would have no proof that I mailed them.

The two guys I sent the message to were All American Jock and Hottie. I am not going to post the message up here but it basically outlined the glances and I told him I liked him. I also gave him the option to either reply or just not reply if I had wrongly assumed. I also told him that we should start by being friends or whatever. I told him that it took a lot of guts for me to write to him. Then I left the ball on their court. I also made it clear that I did not have a crush on them. I only liked them and that was it.

Hottie did not reply back. And after waiting for about 5 days, I basically wrote to him telling him to forget that I wrote to him and that it was a big mistake. The first time I wrote to him was during the evening and earlier the same day, I had passed by him. I saw him glance at me then he looked away. So seeing that I mailed him later the same day, I think he knows that it was me. I dont know why he chose to not write to me. Maybe he never liked me. Maybe he was pissed off that I always looked away when he looked at me for a few months. Maybe he is scared to reply. I dont know and Im over it.

All American Jock did reply back. He was really nice. I dont know if he was lying or telling the truth but he told me that he never thought about that at all and that he was interested in a girl at our university. Then he gave me the option of revealing myself to him and asked me if I was a boy or a girl. I laughed at that and I told him that it should have been clear. I dont think he knows who I am cos we have not had our glances for quite a while now. So I dont think he knows. I did not tell him who I was but I did make it clear to him that I was not a stalker and it was not a crush but just that I liked him. I thought it was very nice of him to tell me that he does not have anything against gay people and that one of his best friends growing up was gay. I dont know if he was lying or whatever or if the best friend he was talking about is himself. I told him to give his best friend a message that was basically a short summary of my post "An Idol who is gay". I also told him to tell his best friend that being gay was only a part of him and not the whole of him and that who he decides to share his bed with does not define who he is. I also told him that the 300 Spartan warriors were gay and that Alexander the great was gay too. He might tell his best friend the message or if he is gay then it will be good for him to hear it too. I told him to not worry about the whole email and just forget it. I also told him to not be paranoid and that I was no stalker and that it was not a crush. And that it was not a prank. He told me that I could reveal myself to him whenever I wanted to do it and that I could talk to him if I ever needed to. I told him to talk to me whenever he needed to as well. I have seen him around our school. We just walk by each other unknowingly.

I dont know if I will be emailing anyone else anytime soon. But whatever I am still who I am and I am still going on.

I am still waiting to hear from Steevo. Steevo dude I need suggestions about the thing I mentioned on my previous post.

Exciting responses

2009-04-20T11:57:00.003-07:00

Dear dudes,

A lot has happened and I want to tell you all about it. But I need to go to class so Im gonna keep it short for now. I will blog about it soon. First I need to thank the people who commented on my last post and I have a few responses to it.

Steevo, dude you give the best advice ever. I love that idea of working at a restaurant where wealthy gay men go for dinner. Do you have any suggestions? Steevo let me know if you know of any restaurants like that in New York or LA. I am gonna spend my summer in those two cities.

Thanks for all the other comments too.

Keep reading I will blog soon.

All American Jock 4 update

2009-03-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

Waddup my dudes, how was your weekend? Anything exciting?

I met "All American Jock 4" on Friday. I had class with him. I was walking upto class and I see him standing outside our class. I look at him and smile and he smiles too. So I ask him what he was doing out. He told me that he was outside to text someone. Then he opens his arms wide and walks up to me and hugs me. This other dude who is in class with us was walking with me and he only like high fives him. He gives me a long hug. Then he tells me that he has not seen me enough this week cos we have had classes cancelled and I have been missing class. I dint say it but I should have said that we should hang outside of class. I will do that soon maybe. He is very touchy feely in class. Hehe. I dont know what he thinks of us. Im fine with it just being a bromance. If it does go any further then I am happy with it too.

Dudes, I need some questions answered from you guys. I need to do something to earn more money while Im still in college. Any ideas? Im thinking about day trading. Is there any day trading experts out there reading who can help me and guide me?

I am also thinking about moving to the UK for a little bit. Are there any UK immigration experts reading who can help me? Please mail me and I will mail you with my query.

Also dudes, you gotta start leaving me comments. I do this blog cos I dont have anyone else to talk to about this part of my life. And if I dont get feedback from you guys, then I dont see the point of this. But people who do leave me comments, I love you my bros.

Stolen Glances 2

2009-03-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

All my dudes out there,

I got some comments and I wanna say a few things about those. And then I will talk about some more of my college happenings and also the men.

One of the comments was just an example of the perverts and scared beings that affect our society. They are too scared to say anything to your face so they say it through anonymous comments. He had some harsh words to say about Heath. I have deleted the comment.

Man up. Gay or straight, you are a man, a male so have some balls and if you have anything to say then just email me with ur email id. I will reply.

The other comment was from a certain LondonBoy and he had this to say "Wow. Indulging in your own private sex life without judgment or limitations is the tantamount of insecurity? Is that what eroticism has come to in America?" What do you think he meant by it? I have no idea so if anyone understands then please tell me.

Now let me make this short. I want to talk about the other guys in my college.

I talked about the jock in an earlier post. Now lets get to the other ones.

The 2nd jock - I saw him during the first semester of freshmen year. He was walking by his truck and I just looked at him. He is kinda cute. Then after a few weeks of looking games, I kind of like figured out he liked me. I was always very unsure about him. He was always very nervous around me. We had a class together and once we were walking towards each other and he makes this huge U shape around me to avoid walking by me. LOL. I thought it was hilarious. And there was this time when I was walking by the football field and he was walking on the inside towards me. He was smiling at me. But I just looked away. Then there was this time he when I was at the cafe and I was sitting on a table. I got up to get my food and when I got back to the table he was sitting there with a friend of his, even though my books were on the table. Me being the scared and sorry being, I took my books and left. I saw him a couple of times after that. Once he was taking his garbage out and he just looked so cute. And he just was very shy. LOL. Then when I came back after the break, and after a semester, he had already transfered.
Preppy skateboarder - I have seen him skateboard around but I probably should not call him that cos around here everyone seems to skateboard to get around. Well this guy is goodlooking. Kind of like skinny, which is not my type. I remember the first time our eyes met, we were at this residence building meeting. He was there with his friends and I saw him constantly look. Pretty daring if you ask me. I checked his facebook and it said on it that he liked men. But you know on facebook people just put that up as a joke. Sometimes, it could be just that, a joke, but sometimes I think people tend to put that as a joke but they are really gay. You know that thing Shakespeare said. Well then I saw him at the cafe, staring pretty daringly. He is still around college. Seems to still be pretty daring.
Cute William Moseley look-alike - I hope everyone knows who that is. I had never seen this guy before. Once again I was at the cafe and I had two eyes burning on me. I just had to look. So I look and I see two eyes looking back at me with "the look". I had just finished eating so I left the cafe with my friends. He is not my type. He is cute but is shorter than me and still looked like a highschooler. I was in the lobby with some friends. Just talking and I see him walk by with his friends. Then I just wanted to see if this dude was gonna look at me and guess what he looks back at me and he saw me looking at him. I just dint want to string him along if I did not like him. Then there was this time when he coming out of a door and I was walking in the same direction. To make it more nerve racking there was no one else there. And listen to this. He stood there holding the door for me and looked really nervous. I just said thank you. I saw him around a lot, that first semester of freshman year. A little later he started dating this girl that had hit on me lol. All I could think was, he is using her as a cover up. But I did not say anything. Its his life. Then I missed a semester and when I came back I did not know if he was still there. Then I see this guy. It was him. He had gotten bigger. As in more well built. And taller. So kinda liked him. Haha. He talks to my roommates and asks them where we were living then tells them he will come by. We go through the whole looking thing again. Then we would see each other in the cafe and around. He would always have the "look" on his face. Sometimes he is very forceful and will not stop staring. Sometimes he just stands there and stares. Kudos to his bravery. I am proud of him. Once I was in the library and he came and sat right next to me. Recently I saw him at a party and he was standing really close to me and my friend. Then he whispered something into his friends' ear. And then they looked at me. I was kind of like pissed off but I dint really care what he had to say. (I seriously dont care what people have to say). Guess what I did. I went and introduced myself to his friends. Then one of his skinny little guy friend said something to his lady friend. And she nudged him away. I know I am way better than this. So I just kept talking to her and made conversation. I started getting more drunk. I was with my friends. Taking photos. Saying stuff. Haha. I was sitting with my friends and for some reason I was talking to that guy. I dont know what I said to him but he says "I wanna see your ass" to me. There was like people around and he was not next to me but a few feet away from me. I was like "what dude?". And he looks at me again and says "I wanna see your ass". I just looked away and talked to other people. Then after I got more drunk. And went home safely. The next day I saw him with my friends. My friends come and hug me and he just looked on.
Stylish Guy - Our eyes first met when I was in class. We looked at each other and saw the "look". A few days later I see him staring at me. Then I was on my way to class, and he was just talking to his friends. I had to get into one of the buildings. And I think he looked at me. Then he says bye to his friends and starts walking ahead of me. He opens the door and just stands there waiting. There is no one else there. I was still like 10 steps behind him. I felt really uncomfortable so i sped and went through the door and I said thanks. I saw him a couple of times later during the first semester of freshmen year, I think he was a junior then. He just kept staring. He is not my type at all. He is goodlooking, defined jaw but not my type. Definitely goodlooking though. I also think that he wants to be friends with me. Like best friends with me and nothing more. I could be wrong. He was just a starer. Then I went home for break, missed a semester. When I was back, I was just walking to my dorm and I see this guy getting out of a car. It was him. He looks back at me, looks away and then looks back at me again. I guess he probably figured I was not here for a semester and then he saw me and was surprised. Pleasantly? i dont know. Maybe. This semester the same thing. I will buying stuff from the food shop and will see him sitting with his friends just staring at me. I will be at the library and he will see him staring at me. I kind of wanna be best friends with him too. Dont think i wanna go out with him but would like to be best friends. Then I see him at the same party, I saw the other guy. I was wasted. He was with his friends. Go up to them and talk to them. Then he starts saying something to me. Dont remember. Then he introduces himself. Then he corrects me on his surname. Then he tells me where he is from and all that. Then I tell him my name. Then I think I just walked away. This is the weird thing. I added him on facebook a few days later and he denied it. Friggin annoyed for a bit but then did not really care. I thought he wanted to be friends so thought we could be friends. But i guess not. I dont know if I offended him the other night or whatever. Or if he was scared to confirm. But I put myself out there and this is what I got. Its kind of weird cos I dreamt that he had denied my friend request. I was like oh it was just dream but the next day he did. He walked by me the next day. We just walked by. Thats it. I dont think I will be trying to be friends with him again. But if he wants to then I wont say no. Life is too short to hold silly grudges.
Hottie - I had seen him around school. He is tall, very goodlooking, well built, muscular and seems like a good guy. We were both in the cafe when our eyes first met and he had the "look" and I know I had the "look" too. I think we saw each other around college a few times. Then after first semester of freshmen year, I missed a semester and when I got back I was hoping to see him. After a few days, I was at the college market and I saw him. I did not know if it was him so just kept walking along the aisle just looking for stuff and we bumped into each other. He had the "look" again and I did too. We just walked around. I got my stuff and walked out of the market and as I was getting into my building I looked back and he was walking out of the market and looked towards my direction. Like he was looking for me. I think I saw him at a fire drill a few days later. Then we saw each other and a couple of times and did the looking thing. Some of the times I remember, was when I was walking back from class and I saw his car go by. I was unsure if he saw me, but he took a left turn and he was about 100 feet away from me and he looked at me. He just kept looking at me. Then one day I was walking somewhere and he was sitting and I saw him look at me. I looked at him and he looked away. Then he looked at me again. I looked at him again. Got into the food store and looked at him through the glass and he was looking. Then went and sat on another side and he was looking at me. I look at him and he looked away. Then I looked away. He looked at me. I looked at him. The one day I was just exiting my building and he was walking towards it. I pretended to be looking at my phone. He sat on something. Then he looked at me. But I was so scared that I just stood there and looked away. He saw me looking away so he looked away too. I looked up and he was still looking away. I started walking and he started walking towards the building but did not look at me. I think that was when I ruined it. Maybe now he thinks I dont like him. I dont know. I found out that he is very close to some very very good friends of mine. I found out his name through their photos on facebook. I dont know if he knows my name or if he has found out what my name is. This semester I have seen him a couple of times. Sometimes we will do the whole looking thing as he drives by. Sometimes we will do the looking thing as we walk by each other. When we are walking towards each other, he gets really nervous. He still looks and I do too. I dont know if he thinks I dont like him. But I do. We both still have the "look". Lets see what happens. The only thing is that he is graduating this year and still have few more years to go. So I dont know what will happen.
All American jock - I saw this guy first semester of freshmen year too. He saw me as well. But then, I dont what happened but I ended up thinking he was not gay. He plays football for school and he is goodlooking, tall, muscular, social and I like him. He is my type. With this guy I thought I was wrong. Then last semester I saw him look. But I thought he was only checking my polos out. Then I was at the cafe and I see someone looking back at me. It was him and his head was tilted and he was looking at me. I looked at him and looked away. Then he looked away too. I think I ruined my chances there too. We have seen each other around. He is the same year as me. Lets see what happens.
Baseball player - Not my type at all. I was waiting for my food. Noticed his crotch and was staring at it for some reason. Looked up and he was looking at me. Ever since he has been staring at me. He gets nervous when Im around. Someone told me that he got into a major league baseball team or something. For a few seconds, I thought about what it would be like to be a baseball player's boyfriend. But then, I dont wanna be with someone cos of what their job is or how much they earn or how desperate I am. So ya I think he has a girlfriend now. But he still stares at me.
The looker - The same time I saw the baseball player, the looker was at the cafe too. I looked up at the TV after avoiding the baseball player's glances and I see the looker staring at me. For a long time. I spoke to him and we just talked. Ever since we have been saying hi to each other. And when I came back after the missed semester, I saw him and we spoke and he remembered me. He is not my type. We still say hi to each other.
Goodlooker - This guy is goodlooking. I first saw him at the cafe. I thought he was visiting cos I had never seen him before. He is a freshman. I saw him at the bookstore. I was blocking the way, so had to let him through. Got up and our eyes met. We both raised our eyebrows. Then saw him at the cafe again. Was there with my roommate. We were both looking at each other. Then I looked away. Then he was talking to someone and saw him looking, I looked and he looked away. Then he was waiting for his food. Stood right next to me with his friends. Then he looks right at me and he was standing really close. I just looked at the TV. He kept looking and then i started to talk to my roommate. I have seen him around. Once I was at the cafe again and he was with his friends. I was in workout gear. Sweaty. As soon as entered the cafe, I saw him looking at me. I was waiting in line and then saw his friend look at me. I recognized his friend from one of my classes. Then his whole group was staring at me. Then I ordered my food and was standing a few feet away from his table on the other side, so like behind him. I was talking to a friend of mine. I could see from the corner of my eye, that the goodlooker and his friends were looking at me. The goodlooker had turned his head round and was just looking. Then after my friend got his food and walked away, I felt uncomfortable just standing there so sat with my friends who were on a table behind them. There was an empty chair right behind the goodlooker but facing away from him and towards my friends. So I sat on it with my back towards him. Our backs were nearly touching. I had to struggle to sit cos there was not much space between the chair, the table and his chair and I dint wanna push him. I dint know what they were saying about me. But Im pretty sure they were still talking. I just went on talking to my friends. Then after a little bit we all left. I dont whats gonna happen between us.
All American jock 4 - This guy is huge. Like not fat but like footballer built. Kinda cute. I got into class and had to sit somewhere and someone to sit next to. This was the beginning of class and I saw an empty space between this huge guy and this blonde girl. I wanted to sit next to the blonde girl but then did not wanna look like I was shoving so sat next to the all american jock 4. I could see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me up and down. Then during class he said something me. The next class, I walked in and saw a space between the jock 4 and the blonde girl but saw no chair. I was about to walk by when he said something like "bring that chair here". So i got a chair and sat next to him. Then as the days went by we became friends. We are the two in class that talk the most. Not the brightest but the ones with the loudest voices lol. Then he started complimenting me. "I like what you are wearing. You are always dressed nice". Then he asks me to give him some fashion tips and tells me he has to step up his game. Then the next day, he tells me that he likes my gear. He always compliments me. Then one day he asked me for my number cos he just wanted to ring someone if he did not know if class was on or not. He was pissed when someone else took his seat and had to sit somewhere else. He asked me who took my profile photo on facebook and I told him that it was just a photo taken by friends. Then he tells me it looks like a models photo and I was like thanks and he goes no problem lol. He at times will like tap me on the shoulder pretending its someone else in the middle of class. Then at times he will just pat me on my shoulder. When he leaves he only says bye to me. But then something that pissed me off is when we got a group assignment, I thought we would do it together. But he asks the two geeks and smart kids sitting next to him on the other side, and does not even ask me. Its like this guy wants to be best friends with me or likes me but for an assignment he asks them. He probably thinks im stupid or dumb. It pissed me off but I was over it. Like today I had to skip class cos I had to see someone. But i really wanted to see the chicks and the jock 4 so i went into class just to say hi to them and tell the professor. So I opened the door to the class and the jock 4 is like "My man" and he pulls up my chair. I told him I had to leave cos I had to see someone but then he was like "No you are staying". I told him i had to leave and I told the professor and the girls were confused and they looked at me and were like why are you not staying. Then I told the jock 4 that I really could not stay and he was like all right then and told me to text him. I did. I said that i was sorry lol I have to go see someone. Dude I have missed you during break though. see you next class. He replied by saying, "Is that person goodlooking". I said ya definitely lol. I wonder what he meant by "that person". Lets see where it goes.

My bros, you might be thinking im crazy too be talking only about liking people. But this is all i got for now. This time I am gonna do something. I am gonna be braver. If someone looks at me. I will look at them too and I wont look away. I will try not to run away. I will see what happens and let you guys know. I am just so scared of being left. I dont know whats gonna happen.

Its like if I do show someone that likes me that I like them too by looking at them and not looking away, if i got it wrong then the other person might tell their friends that Im gay. Its like with that "stylish guy", I put myself out there and he denied my friend request. It might just be facebook but it still is denying. I just dont know. Any tips from you guys. I will let you know what happens. I dont wanna be with someone just for the sake of being with someone, I have to really like them. Not just to avoid loneliness.

Heath Ledger - Gone a moment too soon

2009-01-15T19:57:00.003-08:00

Its been nearly a year or so since Heath Ledger's death. The Brokeback Mountain heart-throb had brought so many people, gay and straight, to tears with the beautiful love story and removed boundaries and "people" regardless of their gender and sexuality cried. This movie was like Titanic or the Notebook and everyone loved it.

But isn't it weird that people have already moved on? I mean they mentioned him a little bit in the Golden Globes and then thats it. News channels mention him a bit more and thats it. He is given a posthumous award for Best Supporting Actor and then people remember him for a few minutes and then they go about their own lives. People start laughing again. They thank each other. Dont get me wrong, Im not blaming anyone and point fingers at anyone. Im just trying to say that its weird and sad that life just goes on. People find a new reason to live...........

I remember thinking about Jake Gyllenhaal a lot during his death. Saying that he must have gone through a lot will be an understatement. Michelle Williams must have drowned in remorse and Mathilda just smiled on as she did not know that she had lost one of the most important people in her life. Heath would have always wanted to see her smile.

The best line uttered by Michelle after Heath's death was, "Mathida will be brought up with the best memories of Heath". Nothing could have said "beautiful" in any other way than the she put it. Jake apparently stayed away from the press and when he returned to filming, there was a scene where the actors had to put photos of their better half in the locker (as part of the scene) and Jake put a photo of Heath. Everyone laughed but everyone felt the sadness and meaning of what Jake did.................

Life has moved on.......... People has new things to look forward............ No one can watch the same news over and over again............ It gets stale and old............. We have given our five minutes worth of tears............. Once again, not pointing fingers but just showing what life is about.............. Am very proud of Heath's golden globe win for best supporting actor............... He deserved it................ Lets look at the glass with a half full view that even if it was for a moment, people remembered Heath again in that room................

If you believe in angels............ then know that Heath has turned into one of the most beautiful angel there is....... and he is looking over his daughter and smiling.........

If you believe in life after death............... then know that Heath has found happiness in the other world that he was not able to find in this world.....................

If you believe in reincarnation.............. then know that Heath has been born again in another beautiful form to live a new beautiful life and to carry on the goodness he earned in this life...........

If you believe only in what you see on this earth............... then know that Heath lived a beautiful life and like every one else's his too had dark clouds........... but be happy that you got the chance to witness the life of a beautiful human being...................

If you believe in fighting for something and taking a stand............... then know that Heath has taken another step forward for gay rights.......... he has broken barriers and brought people of every sexuality to tears with a love story of two men being in love with each other...........

Just believe..........

Stolen Glances

2009-01-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

What should I blog about today? Hmmmm one thing I have not blogged about.......... the guys in my college. Im not gonna write about all the hot guys. Im gonna write about the guys that I think like me and the ones I like.

I will start with this guy. Total All-American jock.

I saw him the first few weeks of college. I was sitting at the girl's room and we were looking or doing something on the laptop. Then these two guys come into the room, looking for one of the girls. While the girl got ready, the two guys waited with the girl I was sitting and me. The total All-American jock sat on the floor and the black dude sat on the bed. Me and the girl I was sitting with started talking to them. In terms of looks, the jock is muscular, blonde and plays for our college football team. We just made conversation and told them that we were freshmen and they happened to be juniors. I looked at the jock and I saw him looking at me, he looked away and I looked away too. Then the other dude and I talked. Then the girl sitting with me and the dude talked. I looked away from her laptop and saw him looking at me again. He had that look on his face. That I-will-look-after-you-forever-and-I will-never-let-anyone-hurt-you look. lol Then we were talking to the dude sitting on the bed and the girl I was sitting with happened to know something about the black dude. Then I was like wait how do you know? And she was like cos he just told me like few minutes ago. I was like oh. (wait I am getting somewhere with this). Then the jock laughs and looks at me and makes them "freaky how does she know" face. And just laughs. I laugh too. The jock asked us if any of us were business majors. I told him I was and he asked me I had started any classes yet and I said no. Then we just sat there and we were all just talking. I would look away from the conversation and find him looking at me. I had to go back my dorm so I like did the "pound" with the other dude and shook the jocks hand. I was about to do the gangsta handshake but then the jock pulled away. So it made it look like I was touching his palms. It was so embarrassing.

I saw him around college a couple of times. There have been many times but from the ones I remember have been in the morning when I had to go to the library to get something. He was walking out of the library. I got really nervous so pretended to look back to see if anyone else was coming. It was only the two of us. We were walking towards each other and I see him turning around to check if anyone was coming. I guess we both felt nervous. Then one day I had just come back form a party with a friend of mine and went to his dorm. He happened to be there. The whole time I was there, he tried his hardest not to look at me. I mean even when he was talking to my friend and I was standing right there but I could tell he was just trying his hardest to not look at me. Then one day I was walking in to the library and got to the point where the computers are. I saw someone looking at me, just kept on staring at me and I looked up and saw the jock just staring. I looked away and just dint look bak. I made that nonchalant face.

Then I dont think I saw him that semester. Then was the winter break and I had to take a semester off cos I was ill. I went back this semester and did not know if I would see him.

I was at the cafe and then I spotted a group of guys sitting and talking. One of them was the jock himself. I dint know if he would still remember me. Somewhere inside I hoped he would. A few days later I was in the cafe and was standing with one of my friends waiting for food. And then someone called my friends name. I looked up and it was him. He looked at me and I looked away. We were still waiting for food and he was waiting too. I dint look at him as I wanted to look like I did not care so I dont know if he was looking at me or not. A few days later on my way to class I saw him walking with my friend. From across the road I talked to my friend and he just looked on. Then a few days later as I walked the same route to my class from my dorm, I saw him walking towards his car and he just kept looking at me. Then one day as I was walking towards my dorm, I saw him walking towards my dorm building too. I just walked on and quickly forgot that he was walking behind me. Then after walking in front of him for a few minutes, I looked back and he was walking towards his car. Then one day as I was walking to my class, I saw someone and looked back, and saw him looking and he just kept looking and did not look away.

I have seen him a few more times. And I know he has seen me. I dont know if anything will ever happen between us. I hope he asks me out someday. Or some night? I hope he makes the first move. lol. And when he does I hope I dont run away like i have done so many times.

I will blog about the other guys as soon.

Much ado about Brody

2009-01-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

yo dudes!!!!!! i had written some more parts to the story of Brody and me and had saved it in an encrypted folder but I pressed on the delete archive button by mistake and have lost everything I had saved for this blog. It was not a lot in terms of writing but definitely a lot of pictures for this blog. im sorry but i dont want think about me and Brody for now. And to write the next part, I will have to think about Brody again. I have kinda lost the loving feeling. Very cynical about love right now. So not the best time to write a love story.

After one of the posts, I think titled "Dudes of New York", I got a lot of flak for being so full of myself and all that. And I prepared a statement that I had intended to post but everything got deleted like I said. So I dont wanna write what I had written again but I just wanna say that if you dont like what Im writing then dont read it. Im not forcing you visit my blog and you are not paying me to read it. This is me, this is who i am, and i am not going to start changing myself so that you will be rightfully entertained. So go suck on something, cos I dont really care. Yes, I talked a lot about people looking at me on that post and how people check me out, but that is all I am doing right now. Maybe you would be more satisfied, if I had gone the full way, and after being checked out had asked him for his number or had rushed somewhere and had sex and then blogged about it to satisfy a fantasy for you while you get busy with your hands. Im sorry. That is not me. And if in terms of action all I am getting is being "checked out" then I will blog about it. And I am a bit too traditional and have too much dignity for myself to throw myself at every guy who checks me out. I am more secure than that and dont need to be humped to or hump someone to make me feel secure.

I am glad thats out of the way.

I have not been around for the past few months cos i had college and was too busy with it. And free time was spent with friends or just surfing the net. College is good and people are great. In terms of romance, I am left unfulfilled. Have I ever talked about the boys in my college? I mean the ones I like? And the ones that I think like me? I will probably do that in the next post.

By the way I am looking forward to receive emails from people. So feel free to email me.

I recently started talking to another blogger "dieseljocknyc" and now I cant find his blog. Dude, if you are reading this then write to me cos I would love to talk more. What happened? Why did you delete your blog? Hows ur son? I hope everything is ok.

And that music on my blog was great for a little bit, but hearing it over and over again is just annoying. So here is a great music from the movie, "Slumdog millionaire" and this track is titled Latika's theme.

Ya know, just been busy lately

2008-12-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

Hey dudes,

Im sorry for not blogging lately. Was bak in college and very busy and too much drama. I have a lot to say. I miss everyone. I miss your mails.

I checked my email for this blog and someone had sent me a gift voucher for this designer brand for $400 and another $450 for circuit city. At first I thought it was some sort of spam, but it was legitimate. I dont know what to say. Or Im not sure if I can even accept it. But I guess, thank you. Made me really happy. Some nice guy out there, huh?

Keep your mails coming. Will blog more soon.

Merry Christmas, dudes.

The Dudes Of New York And The Pervert

2008-08-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

I just decided to update you dudes on my daily life. Mine and Brody’s story will be continued soon. A lot has happened. New York summer is so humid that I had rather go on a friggin swim all day long.

Bulge Tapping Dude
I was on the subway and was standing even though there were a lot of seats. I was by the door and there was a guy reading a book facing towards me. I had glasses on in the subway (Ok enough with the laughs). He started looking at me and I don’t know what it meant. He was OK looking and I would catch him looking at me and he would look away. All the while he was scratching his crotch. I think he had some kinda allergy of rash. He started tapping it too. Every now and then he would look at me. I would look at him as I was wearing dark glasses and hoped he could not see my eyes. Then I got off and left the bulge tapping dude to tap away. Lol.

Hot Skater Dude
As I was entering the subway going down some steps, there was a dude coming up the steps. He was hot and muscular and was holding a skateboard and was carrying some other things too. I saw him looking at me as he was coming up and I looked at him too and the awesome thing was that he did not even look away. He just went on looking at me. So hot skater dude if you are reading this, please ask me out. And make sure u are persistent cos I tend to run away. Lol.

Photographer Dude
I go to a church which is very popular with tourists. As you might imagine it being in manhattan. This fine day as I was about to enter the church doors, I saw a lot of people coming out. So I decided to hold the door for them. And was very flattered as each and every one of the girls coming out were looking and checking me out. And these were some pretty long looks. Lol. Vain me. After dozens of girls came out, I went through the doors and I was about to enter a second door. A few seconds later I see a red light that comes out of a camera before a flash. Then I see a flash right at me. After a few seconds of blinking, I see a guy standing in front of me with the camera. I stared him out with my eyes . Then went in to the church. I am not sure if he was taking a photo of me or not. But dude, the camera was facing right at me. And photographer dude, if you are reading this, I want my pic back.

Shopper Dude
I was shopping at SoHo and as I was coming out of a shop I had a lot of bags in my hand. It was sunny and so I was putting on my glasses. Then I see a dude who was sitting in front of a little juice shop (New Yorkers will be familiar with this) across the street and was looking at me. For some reason I started fumbling with my shopping bags to get to my glasses. After putting them on, I looked at him from the corner of my eyes and still caught him looking at me. The I went across the street to his side and then turned right. As I was going away from him, I turned back. He had turned his head towards my direction and was still looking. Then I looked away. I was looking at the reflection on one of the shop windows and saw him stand up and walk towards a shop holding his girlfriend’s hand. All I wanna know is that when guys with girlfriends in their arms look at another guy, like this guy, and for a long time - wot does it mean? Does it mean the guy really likes the other guy and is checking him out? Or does it mean the guy is only looking cos he finds the other guy a good looking and is straight? What does it mean? Cos this has happened to me a lot. I am just curious as to what it means. That is it. So if any guy out there with a girlfriend does this - please tell me what it means.

Pervert
I am not even gonna call this pervert a dude. I got on a subway and looked around for seats. It was full and suddenly I see this fat perv in his fifties shift. He was occupying a two person space and he shifted to let me sit. I went forth and sat in the given seat. As I was sitting, he asked me if the train went to a certain location and I told him it did and he asked me how long it and that too I told him. Then he started asking me where in New York I lived and stuff. And I told him, I was only here for a bit and was here to spend time with my girlfriend. Then I feel his fat legs press on to my legs. So I shift my legs and don’t make much of it as this was a subway train and people do tend to sit in their own way. Then he starts telling me I have a very good personality. And I say thanks to him and think “What for - for answering few of your questions?”. Feeling a bit weird, I lean forward and put my hand on my chin and sit that way. Then I hear the man singing. I don’t know what it was but he was singing. Then I feel something scratching the top part of my butt. Like something pointy but a dull one.

I was not too sure if what I thought was happening or if I had just something in my pocket. So I could do two things. Either stand up and friggin shout at the perv and knock him out or just lean back and see if it was really happening. Well I decided to do the latter as I did not want to make a fool of myself if it was just something in my pocket. Then he asked me where I went to university and I answered. Then he asked me where my hometown was. Then he told me that I a good personality again. I was like thanks. Then I figured I would just get off the train and get another train. So on the next stop, I just say something and get off. But before the doors closed, I got on the other compartment on the same train as I did not want to wait for a new one. This compartment was pretty empty and very few people were in it. I look around for a seat and I see a hot girl looking at me so I go and sit next to her. There was a one person gap between us and a bar beside me and lots of seats beside her. Then while I was seated, I contemplate if I should have said something to the guy or was it ok to just have left it as it is. And it really bothered and was beginning to think I should have frigging shouted at him in front of everyone. I had even mentioned a girlfriend.

As I was sitting there, scarred mentally and getting worked up, I see a dark shadow through the window that looked into the part that I was on previously. I looked and I see someone looking back at me. I saw the fat perv standing there. I was friggin freaked out. I mean I was not scared - it was more like being freaked out. Then guess what happened next. The perv opened the doors that linked the two parts and came in. Freaked out I just close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Then I open my eyes to see where the perv is and see him standing opposite me leaning on the train doors. He grabs his balls with his hands and grabs them. Then he smiles. I just close my eyes. Then open them again to see him still doing it. Then I close my eyes and he comes and sits between me and the hot girl. Think about it dude, there were so many seats and so many next to the hot girl and just one seat between hot girl and me and he decides to sit in between us. Then the hot girl shifts away a bit and shift towards the bars a bit. I keep my eyes closed. Then the perv starts talking again. The perv says “So how long are you here for?” I think fast and say “ A week.” Then the perv says, “ Can I have your number?”. And I stand up. Look at him and friggin shout at him in front of everyone. I shout, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? DON’T EVEN COME NEAR ME. DO YOU GET WHAT I AM SAYING? DON’T EVEN COME NEAR ME. WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU DOING? DON’T COME NEAR ME AND DON’T LOOK AT ME,” then I look at the hot girl and say, “ GET AWAY FROM HIM, HE IS GOING TO TOUCH YOUR BUTT,” the hot girl makes a squirmy face and shifts away, “DON’T COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME AND DON’T LOOK AT ME - YOU HEAR? I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW”. Then I just stood there and leaned against the door. After a bit I could not stand there so went and sat on one of the empty seats. I felt relieved that I had shouted at him. I felt really good that I shouted at him in front of everyone.

After the next stop, the perv had gotten off and I went and sat next to the hot girl again. Then I told them what happened. The hot girl said that she had thought something was wrong when he came and sat between us and when I told her he touched my butt. She squirmed as she was shocked. Lol. And the guys sitting on the opposite seats laughed and one of them said, you got stay far away from these kinda people - there are lots in New York”. Then when the dude got off he was like - “Stay away from those kinda people.” Then when I got off I looked at the hot girl and just said, “Stay safe” and she smiled.

This thing bugged me immensely for two days and stayed on for nearly a week. It really scarred me. And I could not stop thinking about it. I spoke to a lot of my friends about it. I mean what bugged me was this feeling that I was shouting at someone for being gay. I was not shouting at the perv for being gay - I was shouting at him for being a pervert and a molester. Lets say there was girl in my place - she would also shout at the pervert - not for being straight but for being a pervert and a molester. So I felt good in my head. I had done a good thing by shouting at the pervert. That is it. I am ok now. But writing this also bugs me.

Hollister Dude

I was shopping at Hollister and I was looking through some shirts and I see this cute sales assistant laughing away and talking to his colleagues. And from the corner of my eye I see him look at me. I think he was checking me out. ( Just as a proof of how good my gaydar is or how good I am at telling if someone is just only looking or checking out or really looking lol ). Well after thinking the dude was checking me out and looking at some more shirts and not liking it. I went out of the store and looked around more I decided to go check some other store out so I left the store. Ater looking around I went back to the store to look at some more stuff again. I saw the sales assistant. Then I picked out some stuff I liked and went to the trial rooms. There was a long line so I got on it. You know you have those sales assistant helping in the trial rooms and telling you which one to get in to. Well it was the same dude. I was on the line and everytim I looked up I saw him look at me. Then he would look away. After a few "lookaways" from both sides, he got brave and would keep looking without looking away. After a few moment I did the same too. I was on the line for about 5 minutes we looked at each other about 100 times. lol. Then when it was my turn, he first looked at one of them empty ones and made sure it was ok and he tried to be cool and whistled and then he says something like "There you go dude" or something. I get all nervous. lol. Then I go and pay for the stuff I like. I see him nd standing there and talking to some people. But I did not look and just went out.

The Mommy Dude

I was sitting somewhere and typing away on my laptop. And I was looking at passer-bys and being a true people watcher was looking at everyone. I was looking back and I saw this maybe 17 year old dude walking with his mom or some lady. Then I feel that he was checking me out. They were some shops away. Then I turn around again and he was pretty close to where I was sitting and I see him look at me. I think nothing of it and then go off to some shops. After about half an hour, I see the Mommy Dude walking out of macys with his mom and I was entering it. I was not looking at the dude as we walked past each other but when I looked at him he was doing one of those "corner of the eye" looks at me. He was very obvious. I just smiled and kept going.

So tune in for more on the story of Brody and me soon. Update soon.

Once Upon A Time - Part 4 - Will You Go To The Prom With Me?

2008-07-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

I heard something.....................Did you say something?

No............................................. Why? - did you hear something?

My heart shook and shuddered....................... What was I getting myself into?

Is it going to be safe? I don’t know....................................

Is it going to hurt? Maybe................................................

Should I let my self be this way? Maybe not...............................................

But Im sinking. And don’t know why.....................but I don’t want to be rescued....................cos for the first time, sinking feels good, dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not know if I should change schools or not. But I knew I did not want to leave this school. I had changed so many schools during my lifetime and left so many friends and I was tired of it. I had felt the hurt of missing the best friends I had left, a bit too many times, and so I knew how I would feel if I left this one too. So I did not want to leave these best friends. And I was the kid with the tag, you know the tag of “the hottest and most popular kid”, leaving this school would mean that I would have to go to a new school and try and get that kinda reputation again. And , the main reason was that, my Brody was here. I did not wanna leave him. So I guess my decision was made. But there was still the exams to get over with.

I remember the time when I was sitting in a room in the library and revising and Brody came with some of his friends. We talked and before he left, he asked me “Jake, you wanna come with us?” I said, “Yes” and went with him. We both smiled. Then I went with him and the other dudes to this other room inside our school and we started revising together. I was asking him questions and he would ask me questions back. Sometimes I would ask him a question and he would not know the answer and then would look at me with a puzzled look and would look so cute.

I remember the first time Brody sort of like asked me to be in his group. Brody and I am in the same group. And our group is the most popular group at school. And Brody was the one who took me into this group. Most schools I have been in, I was always in the most popular group. I always loved that feeling of being with my boys. The sense of belonging to a certain group always feels good. It becomes like a fraternity. And we were the alpha males of our high school. During the first days of being in the group, Brody and me would go out with all our boys from the group, together to the town center and places. And Brody would always walk next to me. He would not say anything, he would just smile and look down and I would do the same.

He did not have to say anything, cos I heard it. It was his way of saying, “Don’t worry , I am here with you”. And I felt safe. Going into a new group at first is always intimidating. And Brody made sure I felt good and safe.

Once there was this time, when I was waiting outside of the examination hall with all the other kids. I was leaning against the wall and talking to a friend of mine and Brody arrived. He stood right in front of me, looked at me and smiled. He said nothing. I heard something. I smiled and said, “Hi!”. He said, “Hi!” too. Then he just kept looking at me. There were other kids around us so I started talking to them but his eyes were looking straight at me. I felt it and could see but pretended to be responding to the other dudes too. Then I said, “Oh I forgot to bring my pencil, does anyone have one?”. Another dude started taking a pencil out and Brody took his out too. Without saying a word, I took the one Brody was holding. I smiled and he smiled. Said nothing. But I felt the need to. And I said, “Thank You”. The other guy just looked at Brody and put his pencil back in. Then it was time to get into the hall and use that pencil. And use it to write but I could not take my mind off of something that had been written in my heart, just a while ago. The moment played over and over in my heart and left its mark. A scar. But a beautiful scar. That moment plays on till today.

Somedays, I would be working away on my paper trying to give the right answer. Suddenly, I would feel the right urge to turn around and look. And my Brody would be sitting behind me and our eyes would meet and he would wink at me.

Then there was this one day, where I felt really embarrassed or shy cos Brody was feeling the same thing. We all had entered the hall and were seated to begin the exam but Brody was late, which I think was planned. He walked in late and started looking for his seat but as they are changed everyday he could not find the one with his name on it. You see, the art known to attention-seekers are very well timed and even a few seconds long or short can ruin it. As everyone was already seated and he was late, instead of the normal satisfied attention-seeker expression, he was embarrassed cos it was taking him a long time to find his chair and it was very evident on his face. And I felt embarrassed too cos he was embarrassed. Is it not weird, I was sharing his emotion.

Sometimes, after our exams we would just go and hang out around town or get ice-cream. This one day we were having lunch at McDonalds and as Brody was organizing a prom, he was checking the list of people that were coming. Then he asked the question, “Do you want to go to the prom with me?”.

And he smiled. I looked at him. Shivered. I looked at him again. My heart started beating faster. I looked into his blue eyes. And I laughed, you know, the flirtatious one. I answered him.............and you, my dudes, will soon know what my answer was.

Once Upon A Time - Part 3 - He Turns And Looks At Me

2008-07-17T16:33:00.000-07:00

Dude, first things first. I need to clarify a few things. The secret that Brody had told the whole class was not a bad secret. It was actually a good secret and it was about my career and I had hid it cos I did not want to blow my own trumpet. And why did I not want to blow my own trumpet - well just cos. And when Brody told the class about the texts, he did not say it
in a harsh way like yelling out faggot and all that. He just said it with a smile. And it was just
this fact that he told the class about the texts mortified me. So please spare him. Lol. And to
give you a sneak peek. He is one of the very few people I trust. And I only trust three people.
Now back to the story:

I was mortified that Brody told the whole class about the texts. And I thought, in no time the whole school would know and that would be it. I was coming up with tons of reasons in my head about how I was going to deny it. I also vowed to never see Brody again and never speak to him. But he just kept running after and asking me to forgive him. He was relentless and I was not about to give in. Well for a week, at least. Or something like that. Brody would not stop saying sorry until I would speak to him. He just kept going “Jake please stop being mad at me” and “Jake pleaseeeeee speak to me”. And I think after a few days or a week, I gave in and started speaking to him again. And we were back to being friends. And being in love.

About him telling everyone in our class about the texts and everything, no one took it seriously, so no one even spoke about it and people just forgot the whole thing. Phew.

This happened a lot between us. You know where I get mad at him for something and I don’t talk to him and every time he would come running and I would forgive and then we would speak. Ya I think it was a form of flirting between us. And it felt good.

Like I said, all of this happened a long time ago, so I don’t remember things in their sequential order. But soon we became closer to each other. He would randomly hug me and all that but he did the same thing to his other friends. But not as much as he did to me.

More beautiful things were to come. And I felt it everywhere.

A lot had started to happen. We would flirt all the time and people had begun to take notice. Sometimes I would be passing by with a group of guys and Brody would shout my name out from a first floor window and I would just ignore him and he would threaten to pour water on me if I did not look at him. I know how funny it sounds, but it just felt like something - something different.

At times, I would be by the school gate and he would come by and he would playfully hide his face with his folder and I would smile. Then he would look at me and smile. (Dude, you guys better not be laughing right now). Somehow people had started to take notice. And soon, they started jokingly saying that me and Brody were going out. They would jokingly say, that me and Brody were in love with each other. But everyone was kidding and so it did not matter much.
Soon time came for school to be over and for us to prepare for our exams. Before our exams began, there was an assembly at school to let us know that from next year onwards, people could choose if they wanted to continue with school or not, or if they wanted to change schools. So something was certain, a lot of our friends that were with us now, would probably not be among us next year.

Everyone felt it. It was a kind of sad feeling and there were kids shouting out who were the only people they would miss. Some were hugging each other. Then I saw Brody. And I looked at him. And he stared at me too. There was a moment of silence. Then we said our goodbyes and he just kept looking at me. I started talking to other kids and he started to walk home with a friend of his. He was about a few meters away from me. Then you know how like in movies they will be like “oh they will turn back and look at me if they love me” well I started thinking the same. I kept thinking it “If he loves me he will look back at me again”. What happened? He looked back and shouted my name, “Jake, Jake”. And I pretended to not hear and just went on talking to my other friends. Then he kept on walking with his friend. I shouted his name out, “Brody, Brody”. He looked back and I said, “Bye” and he said, “Bye”. I smiled and he smiled too. I know so beautiful yet so funny. And just at the same time, a friend of mine laughed and imitated me and said “Brody, Brody” but he added to it and said, “Brody, Brody I love you”. Brody just smiled more and I smiled more too.

I don’t know if people noticed it or not, but something was happening. Then I started walking towards the school gate with some dudes and we were just playfully joking about. And Brody passed by with some dudes and he just looked at the other dudes joking about and did not say anything. And then he looked at me and said, “Jake, Bye - come back ok”. I nodded and I said, “Ya, Bye”. We both smiled and then my heart felt it again. It felt the love feeling.

I had thought of leaving for another school. A much more prestigious school as it would help me to get into a better college. But I thought I have time to think about it as we have still have exams to finish. So I did not give it much thought.

I felt alive. Just like a desert feels alive when rain falls. If only you could see the steam that was evaporating as the drops of rain touched the heated land. I still had to get over the exams. But had to make a decision. The decision that would change my life in many different ways.

P.S. My aim works now. My aim is secretblogging. And only readers please. Dont add me if you have not read anything but just want to chat. Only readers.

Once Upon A Time - Part 2 - Somebody Knocks And Comes In

2008-07-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

Like I had said earlier, I don’t remember exactly what happened after the hand holding. But there were many more moments on its way. Moment that would stay and live on and make life know the meaning of beautiful moments.

Brody and I had gone into another level or zone, from where we saw no one else while we were in each other’s presence. I mean we were still the same kids but something had changed.

We started looking and staring at each other more. There would be times when we would look at each other, say nothing and just smile. We would be with friends and he would always make it a point to say something about me and make me the center of attention and this could be anything from cracking a joke about me to just making comments or complimenting me. And once during one of our classes, Brody said something about him being okay with having sex with guys. And my ears pricked up. I looked at him and asked, “Oh my god, so Brody you would sleep with a guy?”. And without a care in the world, he said, “Ya, if he is hot”. I somehow felt like this answer was for me, but I think it was in my head. And no one even said anything when he said this. Then there was those other times, when he would grab me from behind and just pick me up. Then there was this time, when I was seated on a chair in my class and he walked up to my table and pressed his knuckles on my table and looked at me. I pretended not to notice him. But smiled. Then he looked at the boxer band popping out of my jeans and commented on the brand. I just smiled. The there was this other time, when we were to be in groups to do something together. Brody asked me to be in his group. I went and sat at his table. Then he started flirting with me. His other friends smiled too. Then he was sitting with his top pant buttons undone and his boxers were showing. And he said, “Jake”. I looked at him and then he pointed towards his boxers and smiled. I smiled too. And I shook my head. These things happened a lot.

A door had been opened in my heart and Brody was the one who had knocked. There was only one room in this heart and Brody had occupied it. I don’t know what I was experiencing but it felt a lot like love. I felt happy when I saw him. His eyes would twinkle when he saw me. And things kept going on.

Feelings started to take over and I was drowning in it. I would ring Brody and not speak at all and hang up. Yes, I withheld my number as I did this. And I would hear his voice and hang up. Then one day I decided to text him and ask what he was up to. He told me that he was going shopping with some his friends. I asked him to have fun . Then later during the night I sent him an sms again and asked him how shopping went and he smsed back saying it was good. Then later during the night, I sent him an sms saying goodnight. I mean this was so long ago that I don’t even remember if he sent a response or not. And seriously I cannot believe I did that.
The next day came and I went to school as usual. We were in our class together and joking with each other as usual. And the whole class was involved as usual. And the teacher was involved too, as usual. But today was to be different. Brody decided to say something about the texts last night. And I think he told everyone that I was in love with him or something along those lines. I mean I don’t remember the events that took place in detail but, I remember bits and pieces. Like flashes. I remember that he mentioned the texts. Then he implied that I loved him or something. Then I think I was completely mortified. Then I remember denying it. He took out his phone and said he could prove it. And Im not sure if he showed them the text messages or not. Then people started implying that I was gay. Then people started raising their eyebrows and talking on the top of their voice. They said that I was in love with Brody. Something in my chest hurt. I felt betrayed and my heart was aching. I looked at Brody and vowed to hate him for the rest of my life. I knew I would never speak to him.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to forget him, throw him out of my heart and lock the door so he would never get back in. I don’t remember what happened after this class. But I remember being hurt and something was burning and I felt it.

Once Upon A Time - Part 1

2008-07-09T18:35:00.000-07:00

I have kept you all waiting for so long. And now here it is - the story of me and Brody. It will be told in parts so tune in for more. This is where it begins.

Once upon a time, there lived two princes in a land far, far away. And this is a tale of their love. Ok lets not start a fairy tale, cos life as we know is not a fairy tale. Today I am going to tell you the story of two princes - hang on I mean - two boys. Two boys in the tenth grade in a small town far, far away. One of them was Brody and the other was Jake, as in, me.

I was the shy, new boy at this school and in this town but Brody was the residential jock. We were both in the tenth grade. I had not always been shy but quite the opposite in my previous school. I had always been the kid with the tag “the hottest and the most popular kid” and being the invisible new kid was something that I was uncomfortable with. I had long been used to being the centre of attention so, when I first got to this new school I just sat quietly in the center of my classroom and looked at all the faces around me. I knew no one. And no one knew me and nor did they understand my heart but, it was not their fault cos no one really heard my heartbeat. Something had diminished the light in me and I just needed someone to re-ignite it to its brightest flame.

Brody, was the cocky jock, who had been in this town forever and everyone knew him for who he was. He never spared a moment to seek attention. Brody was at the age, where he was counting how many girls he had slept with and carried a box of condoms around with him - just to state to his peers that he was sexually active. If there was an assembly, then he would be the last person to enter the assembly hall just so that everyone would notice him coming in. If there were examinations going on , then he would be the last person to come into the examination hall so that people would notice him. He walked around with a sense of authority. And there was someone coming who would love all this about him.

I don’t remember a lot about when I first saw Brody. Neither do I remember the time when Brody and I first became friends. But I do remember that I shared a couple of classes with him. And those classes soon became the ones I enjoyed the most.

Sometime passed and I became very popular at this new school too. Sometimes, kids at school would say stuff like, “You have fit in really well haven’t ya, I mean I remember when so and so new kid came to this school and it took them really long to fit in - but you fit in so fast”. And I just smiled. Me and some kids would talk about some new kids and then the other kids would remember and say, “Oh Jake, we forgot that you are a new kid too - we had started thinking you are just one of the old boys” .

Brody and me would constantly joke with each other in the class we shared. I used to sit in front of him and he sat behind me. I had started flirting with him. We used to joke so much that the whole class would join in our joke and the teacher too. Sometimes the teacher would go as far as saying me and Brody were the “two rent boys” ( or gigolos to people who don’t know what rent boys mean). At one point, a friend of asked me, “You like Brody don’t ya?”. I was shocked to hear this question - as to me it sounded more like an accusation.
But it was true. I had started liking him. And I had also started thinking about him a lot. Then once while in class, I told Brody about something I did out of school as a hobby. It was supposed to be a secret. But he told the whole school. So I got really mad. So I told him that I would never speak to him again. But he did not let it happen. He would run after me and say sorry and would ask me to speak to him again. I would love the attention but just to make him run more, I would say no. Everywhere he saw me, he would ask me to forgive him but I would not. One afternoon, before our class together, I was on my way to it. And he was on his way too. So he looked at me and said sorry. After hesitating for a bit, I said ok and then we smiled. Then I went on my way to class and he did too. But there was still time for the lunch break to be over and for class to start. All of this was a part of someone’s plan. Someone much greater than us. That afternoon was not only going to be a witness to us talking to each other again but also to us holding each others hands for the first time. Not once but twice in the same day. As there was still time for the lunch break to be over - I decided to go back the way I came. As I was doing that - Brody was walking towards the room and he asked me where I was going and then he put his hand out. Not like, in front of him like you would do in a hand shake but out to his side. So I gave my hand and patted it but he held my hands and I held his too. And then I told him, I was doing whatever before class. And then realizing that we were still holding hands, we let go. Then we just talked casually. Then everyone arrived for class and we had the same, usual class full of joking and flirting between Brody and me. Then class was over and we joked about something again. So he started chasing me across our school and he asked his friend to chase me too. So me, being the usual me was loving the attention and wanting more. Then Brody’s friend caught me and so did Brody. Then we laughed for a bit and then said our goodbyes as it was time to go home for the day. And as we were doing so, Brody put his hand out again. In front of everyone. In front of the whole world to see. I was still talking to Brody’s friend and as I had noticed him put his hand out, I put my hand on his and we both held each other’s hands. It might be have been a few seconds but to us it felt like an eternity. And it was a few seconds longer than the normal handshake between two guys. It felt like the whole world was in slow motion and if this was a movie then the camera would be zoomed in on our locked hands. Then Brody’s friend started jokingly pulling me in another direction. He had not seen that we were holding hands - he was just pulling me jokingly. There was a lot of people walking around us and soon I could not see Brody but we were still holding hands. Then we both shook really hard and let go of each other’s hands. Still being pulled by Brody’s friend I went along with him and left that moment to itself. That moment played in my mind a lot.

I don’t remember exactly what happened after that moment. And I also don’t remember the events after that. But that does not mean, that it was the only one. But it was just the beginning of many more to come. It was the start of a new page in my life that would change me forever. Little did I know, that somewhere someone had put a seed on the ground and some leaves had begun to sprout. Now if this little plant would grow into a tree or whither down and die, only time could tell. And it was just this time, that showed a break in clouds and sun rays were peeking through.

P.S. The picture on the top of this blog reminds me most of him and me. He had blond hair and I had dark hair.

To be continued hope soon...........

Whats I Guy Gotta Do To Talk On Aim Around Here?

2008-06-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

Ok listen up fellas, I got a problem. This problem is with aim. I am getting a lot of mail from people saying they never see me on aim. The first thing is I have not received one single request on aim. I did wonder why I was not getting any request. The thing is when I log on to aol - I go to aim and then what do i do? Cos nothing pops up saying do want to accept this guy as your friend. So let me know what I gotta do. When I log on - I put in secretblogging as my screen name. So dudes help me.

Another thing is I need help with the blog. How do I add music to my blog?

And sometimes I talk about previous blogs - so how do i link to let people know where to find previous posts?

I also want to give a huge THANK YOU to http://www.closetfratboy.blogspot.com/. I found this blogs some months ago and I loved it. I loved his stories and his thoughts on his life and stuff. He had stopped blogging but he has started again. So please visit it. And closetfratboi - we dont have a fraternity at my university so Im not in one - but would have loved to be in one. And I hope you find love soon.

Also I gotta tell you all about Brody soon. I have been saying I will but have not had time to do so in a long time. So Im setting a deadline for myself now. I will tell you dudes about Brody by Saturday. This Saturday.

I need to know if there are any bodybuilder dudes who read this blog. Cos I have a few questions for you guys. So if there are any - mail me or comment. I have a workout question for you builders. So let me know.

Im Bak

2008-06-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

My dudes - im here now. Im sorry for the long delay in posting.

I had a great time in my hometown and am already missing it. I kind of like want to cry. We had like a little group reunion. Most of the guys in our group have moved away from our hometown so it was hard trying to get it organised and getting everyone to be free at the same time. And everyone have moved in their own directions. It was good to see all of them. I hate that we all growing up too soon.

Its funny how with best friends - you can like not meet each other for nearly two years and still be like how it was before and feel like we have not even left yet. I mean really feel like time has not even passed. And I feel this way with every singly one of best friends - every single guy in my group. My best friends and me are still the same - two of them are still crude with their mouths - one of them is still funny - and Brody and I still flirt with each other and he stills at me the same way. Im this way with a couple of guys who were not in our group but with whom I was good friends with. I really miss them.

I have still got to tell you all about Brody. I love you all. Or so I think. I think I do. Or maybe I think I think I do.

Erik Rhodes And "Shelter" movie

2008-06-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

So dudes, This is a quick post to say waddup!!!!!! I am flying to my hometown tomorrow. So excited. I have been thinking about a lot of things. A lot about Brody.

I have a movie recommendation for you guys. The movie is "Shelter" and I liked it a lot. "Shelter" centers on a young man, Zach, in San Pedro, Calif., who gives up on his dream of art school in order to provide for his family, consisting of his aging father and his young nephew Cody, whose mother Jeanne has decided her priorities lie elsewhere. When his best friend’s brother Shaun returns to town, Zach finds in him a friend and confidante. As Zach becomes increasingly attracted to Shaun, their casual surfing relationship turns into much more, setting off a chain of events forcing Zach to choose between continuing to put others first or fighting for what he wants for himself.

And the cool thing was that the people who mattered to him the most just accepted him. Just like that - his best friend and ex-girlfriend accepted him and they did not make much ado about it. They just loved him and his sexuality did not matter.

There was a line in the movie that I liked a lot. The ex-girlfriend asks him if he is in love with him and his answer is "Oh come on". Wait that is not the line I am talking about. A lot of people are scared that the person they are in love with and in a relationship with, will leave them someday. I am too. It really scares me. So here is the line - Then his ex-girlfriend says "You don't belong to people forever" and the guy says "Then why bother". And the girl says "Was it worth it". So I guess I will stop being so scared.

And guess what, I think I saw Erik Rhodes. Ok Im not a huge fan or anything. I have not even seen any of his movies. He is a gay porn star and I only came to know about him through his blog. So I was walking along fifth avenue today and I saw this very muscular with a shirt and tie on and he was talking on his mobile. And I thought "Hot guy". Then we walked past each other. And I thought he looks a lot like Erik Rhodes or maybe it is him. So I looked back and saw him looking back at me. I just looked away. But I was really flattered (Vanity dude). I dont want to go out with him or anything. But I do think he is hot. And I am almost tempted to mail him and say "Hey I think I saw you today walking along fifth avenue, I had a _____ on and you had a shirt and tie on. I was wondering if you were Erik Rhodes so I looked back and saw you looking back too. So I just wanted to say hey dude". But I dont think I will mail him. I am just too scared that he will remember what I look like and later will be able to tell people. So I just dont think I will. lol.

But ya guys I dont think I will be able to post for a while. I am going for ten days only so please keep mailing me and let me know whats going on in your life and if you have ever had a similar meeting with a famous person let me know (gay or straight).

Hometown Here I Come

2008-06-03T18:24:00.001-07:00

Hello Dudes of Bloggerville,

I have recently made an aim.

The aim id is secretblogging@aol.com.

So just go ahead and add me.

I have made a myspace too. But please remember that the photo I used on myspace is not of me. Its just some dude sleeping. The link for myspace is
http://www.myspace.com/apopulardudessecretlife

For my readers that are not from the US, I have made a msn/hotmail id. So add me if you want - secretblogger@live.com. Please dont be confused by the live sign. It is used for hotmail and msn too.

But remember that I only read emails in secretblogin@gmail.com. I only use aim and msn to chat. Gmail for all emails please.

So whats going on in my life right now? I am going to my hometown for a few days. I rang up all my friends to let them know Im coming. I also rang Brody and he mailed me saying he changed his number so I have to ring by tomorrow. I have emailed most people in my and Brody's group and if all goes well - we will have little group reunion. Yayyyyyy! I love my friends a lot. They mean a lot to me. And growing up sucks cos it means we go in our own ways. I miss my high school days. Probably the best time of my life and my friends' life too. So ya Im looking forward to that.

Talk soon.

Old feelings or can of worms.......................

2008-05-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Hey dudes! I have gotten a lot of mail from readers and I want to thank you all for that. Also the comments are great - and me being the comment-whore - I love it. I love the long mails you guys send to me. I have replied to a lot of them but I still need to reply to more. I will get to them asap. Believe me, I always reply to every single one of your emails. And whatever you mail to me - is only going to stay with me and I will never tell your names to anyone. So please feel free to ask me anything and tell me anything you want to. Once again my mail address is secretblogin@gmail.com.

Im sure most of my readers still remember Kristiano (If not please look at my older posts, cos I dont know how to make links, lol). Well after the last time that I saw him which was nearly three weeks ago, I decided not to ring him anymore. Cos everytime I go and see him, I open this can of worms. Although we have decided to stay best friends - I find it hard cos sometimes feelings empower me. I mean I thought I was completely ok but then during his surgery I just started caring so much as a best friend - that a part that was before opened up again. So I decided to stop ringing him. And after two days, I was completely ok and I stopped thinking about him.

So it had been about three weeks and I got an email from him on facebook on monday. He asked me how I was doing and where I was and wanted me to call him. So instead of calling him on monday itself, I called him yesterday. He had some visitors so he could not speak for long.

Ring Ring

Kristiano: Hello.

Me: Hey Kristiano.

Kristiano: OH HEY!

Me: Hey how are you?

Kristiano: Im good. Where have you been? Why did you disappear like that?

Me: I was busy.

Kristiano: Why would you just disappear like that? Are you still in the city?

Me: Ya.

Kristiano: Well then I will see you when you drop by tomorrow.

Me: What do you mean?

Kristiano: I mean you are going to drop by tomorrow. And we will talk then.

Me: Haha. Ok. Can you talk right now?

Kristiano: No I have visitors.

Me: I will call you later.

Kristiano: Ok late though. Like after 12.

Me: Ok.

So I tried ringing him at night around 12 but was late so could only ring around 1. I think he must have fallen asleep cos he did not pick up. So I just went to sleep. And today I went to see him around 5. He had changed a bit. I know its only been three weeks but I think he had changed a bit. I had recently watched a movie with a gay theme and loved it. So I took the same movie for him.

Then we hung out a little bit. And chatted. I still give him hell for being a sex maniac. We kept talking about stuff old and new. He wanted to know about what was going on in my life as I had not rung for three weeks or so. I told him that I had been partying a lot and going on road trips and on his side, he told me that he was getting better. He should be discharged soon and I am really happy for him. We both joked around a lot.

Today, it felt good. Cos the old feelings did not come rushing back. I saw him as a best friend. It felt good this way. We just kept joking about old stuff and new. He told me that he was going to a benefit event next week so he was getting his suit ready. Then I told him that I wanted to tell him something that I had started but was not sure if I could trust him. Then he forced me to tell him. I was talking about this blog.

I did not tell him, just yet. Then I asked him if he had deleted all the ims from his computer. And he said he had. And then I told him that I find it very hard to trust people. And that I was afraid that if I ever become someone - he would tell everyone about us. He said he would never do that. I trust him but its just hard for me to trust people easily. I told him that if I told him about this thing I had started (this blog) he was going to tell everyone about it someday. He told me that he would not. I guess I trust him. So I told him that I had started a blog and that it was anonymous and that it talked about the part of me that is gay. Then he wanted me to tell him the name of it and when I said I would not he said he would find it out. I told him that he would not be able to. Then I told him that two posts were about him and then he said he had to know cos I had written about his personal information. I told him that I had not given out any of his personal information and I had changed his name too. Kristiano demanded that I tell him cos I had talked about him and more importantly, us. So I told him not to flatter himself cos he was written about in two posts only. He laughed. Kristiano kept nagging me to give him the link to the blog and I totally refused. I told him that this blog was one area where I could talk about anything I wanted to and the only place where I could talk freely about the part of me that is gay. So I told him that I could not tell him about it. Then we talked more and then I left.

And guess what I only see him as a best friend. I am afraid that the can of worms known as feelings might open up again. But if I can forget Brody, then I can forget anyone. So Im not worried at all. And I feel completely fine.

This was just a quick blog, dude. I will try and blog more often. And once again to all my readers, I want you to mail me about anything. Also if you have photos of men flexing or yourself flexing in front of mirrors then send them to me. You dont have to show your face if you dont want to and I will not show your name unless you want me to. Also if you have any frat party photos, baseball party or football party photos then send them to me. Im not a perv - I just want to have some photos to put on here. lol. And yes love photos of men. lol. But I dont want to post dick pics on here. So please dont send dick pics. Thanks to all my readers again.

"An Idol Who Is Gay"

2008-05-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hey Dudes Sorry for the delay in blogging. I have been busy lately.

I want to thank my readers for reading again. Really value it a LOT.I see that I am getting a lot of readers from down south. I think from Texas. And I just want to say I just have a huge thing for southern men. I think I should say for southern men too (cos in my last post, I talked about liking Midwestern men). Lol. Southern Men from the Texan city or Texan country – the whole southern gentleman and hospitality appeals to me. Actually, when you think of it – there is something attractive I find in men of every country in the world. And to the Midwest readers – Midwest men are still in my mind. lol.

Also one of my readers asked me what career it is that I want to be in? Well to that I want to say – No comment! Sorry guys, but I just don’t want to write that on here. I don’t mind that you asked, its just that I don’t want to say.

I still have some way to go to be where I want to be but I don’t want to jeopardize it when I get there. And I hope I don’t.

Now to get to my main post.

Dude, when I was growing up, there were not a lot of people that I could look up to as an idol who was gay. I mean there were but we never knew about them. The idols that I am going to talk about today are some in my time and some long before my time. So they were there but no one ever spoke about them. And even if they did – they never spoke about the gay part of them.
And when I say “an idol who was gay", I mean exactly that. I don’t mean “a gay idol” as there have been people portraying gay characters on TV for decades. But those characters were stereotypical gay – by which I mean they portrayed only effeminate men (I have nothing against effeminate men – I had to use that word as only they were portrayed). So there is a big difference between “an idol who is gay” and “a gay idol”.

When I was growing up, I only knew gay men through “slurs” and “remarks” that were said as a form of a swear word or verbal abuse. “Faggots”, “Fairies”, “Gayboi”, etc. I heard the word gay everywhere – but only in a negative way. Those words imprinted on my mind that being gay was wrong. To me, being gay was negative. Being gay was to be laughed at.

But I don’t blame the people who used it. They were not to blame.

There was never really “an idol who was/is gay” that could shine a positive light on being GAY. There was never really anyone gay that everyone could look at and say “He is cool, he is gay, so who cares, he is cool".

But I want to say that I have a lot of idols who are gay that I can look up to now. So to high school teenagers who are gay that read my blog, to young guys who are gay and to every man who is gay – I want to give you guys “an idol who is gay” to look up to. I want you guys to have them cos I did not know about them for a long time but now that I have them to look up to and it just helps me a lot. And not just one idol, dude, lots of them.

Once again, as I was growing up, I knew that I was gay. As I was growing up, I knew that I wanted to be someone famous. As I was growing up, I knew I wanted to do something great. But very soon, society stained its hatred on my mind. Soon, the whole “being gay’ part became an insecurity. I looked up for inspiration and never found “an idol who was gay”. I still had a lot of other great idols who inspired me as much and not having “an idol who was gay” would not have been the end of my life but, having “an idol who was gay” would have helped a bit more. And things did change when I was in high school and with the advent of internet, I could learn things by myself and gain knowledge of everything I ever desired to know. But, dude, little did I know that I was going to find “an idol who was gay” to look up to.

What is the stereotypical view that people have of men who are gay? What is the popular image of gay men in society? – I think the unanimous answer will be that they are “feminine”. They are “girly”. They cannot fight like men. Cannot win a duel with another man. They are weak. In the US army, the whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” system tells you that gay men are not good enough or strong enough to fight for their country. Another common misconception: They absolutely cannot be macho. They absolutely cannot chug beer. They cannot command an army. They cannot punch the hell out of mongrels that try to hurt their family and their loved ones. They cannot be the strongest and bravest man in the world.

Well, while in high school, the knowledge of this one idol changed that whole view for me. So I absolutely deny the statements made in the previous paragraph. I deny. I deny. I deny. I deny. Anyone want to challenge my view? Anyone want to ask me to prove it?

Well here it is. The strongest and greatest king in the world known to mankind and respected in the whole world is Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great was the greatest and strongest king known to mankind. He defeated all armies that came against him. He put down every man that fought against him. And (not but) And he was gay.

My history books in middle school, high school and all the other books that are in libraries talk about his glory and they talk about his strength and his courage. But none of them point out that he was gay too.

For the first time in my life, I saw this idol in a different light. He was still the greatest and strongest king to my knowledge but knowing that he was gay too, changed a lot for me. Alexander, then became “an idol who was gay” to me. For me, he shone a positive light on being gay. Although, Alexander's love story is a post for another day, I just want to mention that Alexander and his best friend, Hephaestion, were in love with each other. It is said, that when Hephaestion died, Alexander laid upon Hephaestion's body for a day and a night and finally had to be dragged off by his friends. For another three days he remained mute, in tears, fasting. Alexander saw their love as emulating that heroic love between Patroclus and Achilles, another ancient couple. They both idolised Patroclus and Achilles, for the love they shared. Alexander died eight months after Hephaestion's death, just like Achilles had followed Patroclus in the Iliad. Dude, very emotional and makes me want to cry. (Achilles was the strongest soldier in Troy. And if no one remembers, Brad Pitt played Achilles in the Hollywood movie "Troy". But they did not show that Achilles was gay in the movie. )
Ok. Where was I again? Oh ya. Lets get to my point again.

Want more idols? How about another 300 idols who are gay? I suppose everyone has watched the Hollywood film “300”. I suppose everyone has the image that those 300 men were the manliest and strongest men in the whole world. I suppose everyone looks up to them as the perfect men. Guess what? They were gay. All 300 of them. Once again, the 300 Spartans who were the strongest and bravest men in the whole wide world were gay. So, this helped me more to understand, that the stereotype of gay men being girly was wrong. The stereotype that states that gay men are “a bunch of pussies “or that “they cannot fight like men” is wrong. By now I have, 300 soldiers and king to look up to. The main reason that many people cannot come to terms with their homosexuality is because they feel that they have to conform to society’s perception of what a gay man is and adhere to that image. For me, the fact that this king and the 300 Spartans were gay (and the other idols that I will speak about) told me that I can be the strongest, manliest, bravest, most courageous, that I can fight like any other straight man, that I can be the perfect man, even though I am gay. Cos being gay is a part of me and not the whole me. Cos for those 300 soldiers and Alexander the Great, being gay was only a part of them and not the whole of them.

How about other “idols who are gay” in the recent times? What do we think about our Hollywood movie stars? The leading men in Hollywood movies? I think once again the answer will be “manly, charismatic, strong, brave, good looking, very macho and, I use this term loosely, the perfect male”. Hollywood leading men are adored by women and ordinary men look up to them. They are who every man wants to be in one way or the other. Every woman wants to be with some Hollywood movie star. They are the idols who are idolized in every single way possible.

Rock Hudson was one of the greatest movie stars of all time. He was the ultimate leading man and the most macho man/movie star in the 1950’s. He was a box office hit. He was idolized by fans all over the world. Everyone saw him as the “manliest, masculine, strong, good looking and above all the perfect man”. And he was gay too. Although he did not come out – he lived openly and most people in Hollywood knew that he was gay. He lived openly with his lover Marc Christian at his home. Rock Hudson was a movie star like today’s Tom Cruise. Knowing that Rock Hudson was gay is like knowing Tom Cruise is gay (I don’t know if Tom Cruise is gay or not, I am only trying to show how big a star Rock Hudson was). So once again, I give you another “idol who was gay” to look up to.

Another Hollywood movie star was Tab Hunter. Tab hunter was the epitome of male perfection. He was the leading man in Hollywood that can be compared to today’s Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. He was very good looking, had a muscular body, had charisma, had talent, was all manly and portrayed characters that were extremely masculine and was a sex symbol. No one would even guess that Tab Hunter was gay. And (once again, not but) And he was gay. He came out on an interview that was broadcasted on National TV. He came out when his movie career was in its peak and he was a box office hit.

To Americans, football players are the benchmark for manliness and male perfection. They are known for being rugged and completely macho. To society, there would be no possibility of a footballer, ever, being gay. Why not? Cos, football players are the complete opposite of the stereotypical “feminine” homosexual male. And not just footballers, but society would find the idea of any sportsmen (be it a football player, baseball player, bodybuilders, basketball players) being gay, totally absurd. But I have two revered and famous sportsmen “as idols who are gay” that defy this misconception as itself being absurd. These two sportsmen are NFL player David Kopay and NBA player John Amaechi that are “idols who are gay” (they are many other famous sportsmen who are at the top of their game too, but I am only using the names of these two). They show the world that to be a benchmark of manliness and male perfection and to be a great sportsman; the required ingredient is not your sexuality. They are “idols who are gay” that are proof to society that even men who are gay can be rugged, completely macho, be the statuette of manliness and male perfection and be a great sportsman. So these two idols are also on my list. And, once again, like for all the men who are gay in the world, being gay was only a part of these two great sportsmen – it was not the whole of them. In John Amaechi’s words, “Gay people don't just look like Jack from 'Will and Grace,' and they don't want to jump your bones every occasion and some are camp and some are butch and that we're different and we're useful and we are here!"

Today, there are men who are gay working in every field. And they are not just merely working (and being counted like second class citizens), but they are at the top of their game and reigning at the highest level of every field they choose to have a career in or make a name for themselves in. There are revered and famous NBL players, NBA players, NFL players, Hollywood movie stars, TV Stars, singers, directors, producers, Mr. Universes, Mr. Olympians and everything else you can think of. Society’s view that men who are gay cannot absolutely be athletes and cannot be the best NFL player or the best NBA player– is wrong. Society’s view that men who are gay cannot possibly be the ultimate masculine man and cannot be the hot Hollywood leading man – is wrong. Dudes, and yes, being gay and a jock are compatible.

My end point is that sexuality does not define who you are, who you want to be and how great you can be in life and what your potential is. Sexuality only defines who you choose to share your bed with (or choice of surface that you have sex on and I also want to say that I have nothing against effeminate men or girly men and that by using those words I was only trying to show what the stereotype of being gay is). The idols that I have mentioned above (along with many others) have helped me to empower myself and look beyond the horizon and try and reach for the stars. I am not looking to start a revolution or drive my agenda in a parade, I just want kids, adults and all men who are gay to have “idols who are gay” to look up to when they feel insecure about themselves. I just want all men who are gay to have “idols who are gay” to look up to and remove the stains that society have imprinted on their minds.

Thanks for reading guys.

P.S. And sorry for my bad writing skills, I am not very good at writing but just wanted to get my message through. Also if anyone who is out wants to use this as an article in their high school newspaper, yearbook, college newspaper or any newspaper/magazine/book/forum or wherever – please feel free to do so. You do not need to credit me or anything and you don’t need my permission. You might just want to modify the possibly thousands of grammatical errors that I have made in this. But, if you do like my post and blog, then please add a link of my blog to your blog or website. I just want more readers. Lol. Good night dudes.

Internet dating and the issues that come with it

2008-05-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have a movie recommendation for all of you. I saw it a while back and loved it. The name of the movie is "The Mudge Boy". Emile Hirsch stars in it. He plays a teenager who is trying to cope with his mother's death. Soon, he befriends one of the boys in the local gang and they strike a friendship and soon feelings emerge. Its a touching tale and Emile Hirsch potrays the character very well. The end is poignant and very emotional. So watch it. I loved it.

Internet dating has become very popular over the past ten years. I have tried it too. My mid-teen years were filled with nights where I played with my life by going on chat rooms and finding someone to cam with. And when I say played with my life, I really mean played with my life. I would cam with guys of every age. And when I mean cam I mean everything - including stripping, jerking off and the most stupid thing I did during those days of uncontrollable hormones were to show my face too. I mean I knew even then what I wanted to do with my life but did not think about the things that came with it like how dangerous it will be for my career if any of the guys recognise me from those camming minutes of e-passion.

Then I started to focus on my career more and I knew very well the dangers to my career if someone outed me. By this time, I had fallen deeply in love with Brody. I would not even watch porn or chat online or do anything. Cos these did not do anything for me. I dont know if thats what people feel when they are in love but that is how I felt. But then there came a point when I just had to take my mind off Brody, so I started going online again. I would chat to random guys and then for the first time in my life, I organised to meet a guy. He was a teenager like me, then.

The day came when we were supposed to meet. And when the hour came, I was a nervous wreck. I did not what to do and kept coming up with reasons as to why I should not meet up with him. I kept telling myself about the risks to my career, what if someone found out and everything else. Then I started feeling guilty about how mean it would be to do this to someone. My consciene kicked in and it kept asking me how I would feel if someone stood me up. So I decided I would still go. I would only meet him once and that would be it. I went and looked around and then as I was looking this guy looks at me and hellos at me. I looked at him and smiled, perplexed.

This was no teenager. This was no guy from the picture. The guy in the picture was good looking, slim, long blond hair and a shaped jaw. Well the guy out of the picture looked nothing like the picture, had teeth that were all yellow and brown al decaying, had hair that were long but really bad and was really chubby as in double or treble the size of the guy in the photo. Dont get me wrong I never judge people on their looks but this was different cos the guy committed a cardinal sin in internet dating world by misrepresenting himself.

Me being the usual me, did not want to be mean to the guy and scar him by yelling as loud as I could, starting to run for my life not looking back for the sake of my sanity. So instead I let myself be scarred mentally by agreeing to go get lunch. Then he looks at me and tells me that I look like my photo and I tell him that he looks like his photo too. Im sure he must be thinking "wot an ass". Then we talked for a bit and then walked for five minutes during which he tried to hold my hands. But I just took it as far away from his reach as I could. The whole time my heart was shaking, I was scared and I knew I would need some kind of therapy after this thing was over. Then I told him that I had to go somewhere so had to leave. I said bye and left.

Then I walked normally................................then walk-ran.....................then ran..................then ran for my life..................then ran faster than the wind. I knew I was scarred for life and would never recover from this.

Over the years, I have found myself trying it out when I have felt lonely. Whenever it has gotten painful, I have tried it. But, trust me, I have never met any of these internet guys in person after that one time where I ran for my sanity. But I have chatted to guys with the hopes of maybe finding someone.

But the truth about internet dating is that you mostly only meet guys who want to have sex with you than get to know you. Its full of guys who have their dick picture as their profile pic. And seriously, the pick up line "How big is your dick?" has never been so overused. I mean for a guy who is 15, 16, 17 and even 18, the lines and the "dick profile pic" would be a great way to get off on. I mean I loved it. At that age, any kind of internet nudeness was great. But for people older than that, its just weird and really not right.

Recently, I tried the whole internet dating thing again. Like I told you guys, I have taken a semester off cos I was ill and after the whole Kristiano episode, I just needed to get my mind off him. And this time I got more daring, stupidly. I mean I even put my photo up. I tried a couple of sites and put my photos up everywhere. But as I was looking for something meaningful, I made sure my "about me" section was very to-the-fact. I wrote about my personality and who I was as a person and what I was looking for. And to avoid people with dick pics - I wrote that I was not looking for just sex and was more interested in friendship and getting to know and then maybe something more and I also wrote that I was not interested in looking at dick pics and did not have nude photos so there was no point asking. And any offers even from super hot guys loin for just sex was to be ignored. And so I did. Needless to say I did not get a lot out of this but I did get three friends around my age who were amazed by the fact that I was not asking for their nude photos and just wanted to be friends. So I was not disappointed. Within a few days I removed my pics off the sites.

All I got was getting my mind off of Kristiano but that was good enough. I even told Kristiano how I was going to do what I did with girls and date five guys at a time and just blow my mind away with sex. He told me that even though I would like it at first but it would make me feel terrible cos I would feel like a whore inside.

Well I have stopped internet dating. Also, another confession, I went on craigslist and wrote about what I was looking for. But I did not post my pic up here. Soon enough I got responses sex-for-now was the main agenda. Lol. When I would send pics through email to prospective guys who contacted me through craigslist - they would offer to pay me for sex. Some of them even offered to even be my supposed sugar daddy. I turned down the offers. Period. Who do they think I am - a male gigolo or a paid whore? But I guess, putting myself on craigslist would only get me that.

I am scared that people might later claim that they saw my pics posted online but I have already thought up things to say to prove it was not me. Lol.

I mean I know you guys might think that I am lame to try internet dating and put "looking for friendship and getting to know" instead of "looking for sex now" as being ridiculous. I also know that you might be thinking why dont I just meet guys in real life instead of internet dating but cos of the reasons I have explained before and in my first post - I am scared of being outed. And I have worked very hard to get somewhere in the career I want to pursue so I dont want to jeopardise it for casual sex.

So have you guys ever tried internet dating? What was it like? Good or bad? And do you guys think I am the stupidest guy for putting "only looking for friendship and getting to know you" instead of "sex now" in my profile when I had one? I must be right? So if you have any internet dating stories that you do not want to put on my comment box but want to share it with me then send it secretblogin@gmail.com.

Also thanks to the guys who have sent me their pictures. I have put them on the top. Although I doubt that some of them might be taken from other sites online. But thanks anyways. Also thanks to some dude who sent me his self taken picture - semi nude and was very very hot. You asked me to not post it so I have not. But you know who you are and dude, dont worry your bf will be bk soon and dont be insecure cos you are HOT. Please keep the pictures coming. The email is mentioned already.

Thank readers, gay wedding, flexer photos and sending questions

2008-05-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I would like to thank all the readers. I am really pleased that you guys are reading and its awesome that Im getting comments too. Woohoo! Im sorry I had to do that. lol.

I also saw that a lot of guys from the midwest are reading. Something about guys from the midwest I just find so appealing. I am not trying to stereotype guys from the midwest but I have a fantasy. Once I again I am not trying to stereotype midwestern guys. I would love to live my life with a guy who loves to work farms in midwest of US. We would have a beautiful home out in the country with a dirt road leading to it. We would maybe have a few horses. My guy would be a man who loves to work the fields and have a honest heart. A heart which is down to earth, loving and gentle. And he should be very strong but have a soft side for me. Let me get a grip. Phew. So, the guys from midwest who are reading, thanks for that. Please continue and leave me comments. And please please dont think that this was me trying to find a possible date from the midwest. I just wanted to tell you guys of one of my dreams. To be honest, dating a reader of my blog would be like dating a person who has the key to my life and knows everything about me. And that is daunting. And something about internet dating just makes me wanna be a marathon runner and run the fastest......away from internet dating. But I will get to that someday later.

And thanks to guys from the South of France who are reading too. French men have an aura of their own. I recently saw A Good Year, and Russell Crowe sells everything and moves to France to live in the countryside with his lover and owns a vineyard. I would love that.

Thanks New Zealand and Canada too. Thanks Asia and South Africa too.

Ok lets stop with the pageant like verbal diarrhea "thank yous".

Moving on, how many people like Brothers & Sisters? I love that show. It is a show that is very close to my heart and the Walker family resembles my family in many ways. Fans would very much know Kevin's love life in the show. In last week's episode he got married to Scotty. As I watched the episode, I could not help but think about my own wedding someday. Imagine what it would be like to marry the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, in front of your whole family and friends. I mean, you all should imagine it too. I find it beautiful and petrifying. When I thought about it, I did not know how I would feel doing that in front of my whole family. I mean I am not ashamed of being gay. At all. I know I am still not out yet but I have declared my reasons not to be out in my first post. But just the idea of two guys marrying is not scary but I just find it petrying to think what it would be like in front of my whole family. And believe my mother is the clone of Norah Walker, the mother in the show. Norah Walker was shocked when her son first told her. But as time has gone by she has accepted it and loves her son the same and went to great lengths to make her son's wedding beautiful. Thats why I sometimes think my life would be so much easier if I had my own brother (from my own mom and dad), older or younger. Then I would not be the only son and I would not have so much responsibilities.

Oh and the guy who plays Scotty has just come out in real life. I hate people speculating and writing about guessing someone famous's sexuality cos its upto the individual how they choose to live their life and I being in the same situation can empathise with them more. But Scotty came out himself and is living the way he wants to. So guys if you ever turn to becoming gossip columnist or reporters please dont write about guessing someone's sexuality. I mean we all do it in our head and we might all talk about it among friends but writing about it in mass media is just wrong. Im not trying to attain a "holier-than-thou-attitude" cos I myself speculate and talk among friends sometimes. But I do it to just strengthen myself and knowing that someone who in the public eye was viewed as this "perfect heterosexual man" is in real life be gay is self affirming. When we talk among friends about someone famous's sexuality, this is how it goes, "Dude, that Tom Cruise is so gay and that Ricky Martin too, there was this thing on the news about it" and when we speak about everyday people it goes like this "That dude is gay - he has been looking at me forever". So yes I am guilty of that. But I would never go and write an article guessing their sexuality on the school newspaper or the national newspaper. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. Im not perfect. Im human.

I will blog about positive gay role models soon. I think its important that we all have someone to look upto.

And this is a photo that was on a website. They have a section called flexer of the day where people send in photos of themselves flexing in front of their mirror. So the other day when I talked about sending in photos, I also meant like these ones. So anyone who wants to send in photos can. Like I said I will not put your names on - but if you want me to then only I will.

Also there are frat party and house party photos on the top. If any of you dudes have them and want them to be up on here then just send them to me and I will. I will keep your names very confidential. Any guys straight or gay can send in photos. Also if you guys from the midwest are reading you can too. lol. Im not a perv. No really Im not. lol.

Any guys out there who have questions that are bugging them, then please email me and I will try and answer them. I just want to be able to help guys in my situation if I can. I know that the help will only be for your questions in your mind but its your mind that needs the answers. You need to be focused in your mind, sane in your mind or else the world will be upside down and happy in your mind.

So giving you guys a little taster for the next post. The next post will be about gay role models and whatever I think about till then. So please keep the comments coming in, send in photos if you want to and send in your questions.

I also soon want to write about a love story. Love story of me and Brody. I just dont know where to begin.

My email is secretblogin@gmail.com. So just mail everything here.

Being a single twenager, Runaway Groom? and Highschool sweethearts

2008-05-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

I get so frustrated and mad sometimes. I mean I hate the fact that Im 21 already. Am I the only one? It just feels like time is running out for me and I feel like I dont have much time to do what I want to do.

And another thing I want to talk about is a certain time at university. It was I think during the beginning of the year and we had to introduce ourselves to our group. Everyone started to introduce themselves and then it was this chick’s turn to do so. So she introduces and tells us the reason for choosing this university and she says, “My high school sweetheart goes here too that’s why I choose this university to be with him”. This hit me hard. It suddenly reminded me of Brody. I so wished that I could say that too. But couldn’t.

Another thing is that when I first hit the 20 mark, I had another issue to deal with. You see, teenage romance intrigues me. I don’t mean when just one of them is a teenager. I mean when both are teenagers. And then I turned 20 and I could not longer be in one. I was not a teenager anymore. I was a twenager. I kind of like kicked myself for rejecting so many hot guys while I was still a teen cos I was in love with Brody. And even though I had told myself I was over him, I really was not. I don’t know what I was running from. I will tell you guys soon all about Brody.

Do a lot of people feel the same way about the issues I have mentioned here or is it just me? Am I just weird like that?

Like I said I had told Kristiano my life story and also about Brody and how I ran away. I also told him how many times I ran away from potential love and how I was running away from him too. Then he named me the “The runaway groom”. Lol. I had never thought about it in this way. And when we decided to not go out with each other anymore – he asked me to stop running someday. He said, “There will be a line of hotties, countless men who will want to be with you – but I hope you will stop running someday soon”. I thought about it. I mean this year at the beginning of college, I told myself that I was not going to reject anyone anymore. My college boasts of 80% good-looking people and I have caught a lot of dudes checking me out on a regular basis. I have fantasized about a couple of them too. But I think I have been so caught up in playing it straight and cover up and getting a name as a ladies-man/Casanova/womanizer/man-slut that I have not yet went out with any guys from my university.

I still miss Brody but I am ready to move on too. I am ready to fall in love again.

P.S. I love you whoever you are.

Lol. How corny. Imagine if my bestbuddycollegestarfootballplayer and my other friends were to see this. lol.

And also if anyone has hot frat boi photos, frat party and house party photos and photos that you would like me to post on here - send them to me. Also if anyone takes photos of themselves flexing in front of their mirror then send them to me too - straight or gay. And if you want me to - I will put up your name and if you dont want me too - I wont put up your name. Also guys the main reason for me to blog is to connect with other dudes like me who are in similar situation. Read my first post and you will know what I mean. Just mail me. And this invitation is not just to guys like me - its to all guys. If you wanna talk about something then mail me with questions and I will try and answer them. And please post comments. Anyone can post comments - with or without a user id. So just let me know that there are people reading. Later dudes.

The questions that bug me

2008-05-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

I will soon be telling everyone all abou Brody. My best friend and my love.
But today I wanna address few questions pertaining to my life.

Daninokc talked about wedding question? I sometimes wonder what my family and friends will think about me staying single. I have sex with girls and go out on dates but nothing as a long term. I have nicknames like Man-slut, Casanova, Womaniser, Stallion in college for going out with lots of girls. And sometimes cos of who I am people think I go out with more girls than I really do.

The "hottest and most popular" tag that has been attached to me since middle school
is something I am happy about but there is so much that comes with it. Everyone wants to know who the next hot blonde girl is that I am going out with. A lot of you might be thinking, how can I go out with so many girls when I am gay. Well I do this for a reason. This way people will just end up thinking that I am a "playa" and like al playas I dont like getting into relationships. When my best friends ask me why Im not in a relationship I just tell them that back home I was in love with a girl and we broke up before i moved for university and Im still in love with her so am not in the mood to get into a relationship right now. In reality, its not a girl but a guy. The guy is Brody. I am still in love with him. But I feel like I am ready to move on. Its been three years since I moved away and I think now I am ready to move on. And cos I have this playa image on me and cos I tell people I dont wanna be in a relationship at the moment - but in reality I really want to be in a relationship with a man.

The whole question about wedding is itself daunting. I mean Im only 21 right now but soon my parents will start thinking about my wedding more. As of now i just tell my friends and family that I dont want to get marrie and if i do will do it at 40. They all think Im mad. But I tell them that Im scared of marriage and rather stay with my girlfriend and have kids but not get married. The hardest is thing is that I am the only son and the oldest child. I sometimes think that life would be a lot easier if I had a brother. Then he would take the family line forward. I would not have to worry so much about stuff. But lets see.

My parents see photos of me with girls who I have dated and have had gone out with and mostly just photos with girls at parties. And when my parents see photos with them - they start thinking about marriage possibilties. And they analyse them as if Im going to get married now. And then my parents will find photos where I am in the middle of a group of girls hugging me and my mom gets worried that I might turn out to be like my dad and might be a womaniser even after getting married. For this I just tell her that before getting married I will go out with as many girls as I want and after marriage will be faithful to my wife and never cheat on her. I now life can be very sweet and complex at the same time.

Sometimes I think that I might end up getting married just to cover up or for my family. Or just cos I want to have kids and take the family name forward and live the whole white picket fence dream with a girl instead of a man. But I feel guilty and dont really want to betray a girl who is probably in love with me. I dont think I will be at peace knowing that the girl is in love with me and I am not in love with her. I might love her as a best friend and give her a great life. But will that be good enough. I really want to have kids of my own though. And I dont wanna cheat on her after we get married. So I really dont know how it will work out.

I think about having my own kids a lot. So this is a plan I have devised in my head. And this is an exclusive cos I have never spoken about this to anyone before. You heard it here first. Lol. When I find the guy with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with I really would like to have kids. I know there is an option of adoption but I want my own kids and see a little of part of me. So the plan I have devised is to have it with surrogate mothers. My sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like my guy and his sperm inseminated with a woman who looks like me. This way really we will have our own kids. But then the question in my mind is what will the kids say when they grow up? Will they be happy with the life they have? But I only want to do this when we both are totally sure that we want to spend the rest of our life with each other. I really dont have answers and I really dont know what will happen.

Lets see where life takes me. As of now I plan to just live.

Thanks to daninokc

2008-05-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a shout out to my bud at daninokc. He has addressed a few questions in his latest blog which I identify with. I also want to thank him for linking my blog. Thanks bud.

The Gutsiest Guy Ever

2008-05-12T23:23:00.001-07:00

Howdy guys! This is the continuation of “The Pranks” blog. Thanks to Mike for leaving a comment cos now I know that at least someone is reading. So please leave comments if anyone is reading. Even one letter will do. Any letter. Take a pick you have 26 to choose from. Long blog here so sorry if you dont like long blogs but just wanted to make sure I got everything in.

So yes, lets continue. Well as you know about the pranks. This prank had something else in store for me. So I decided to tell Kristiano that I was leaving again. Kristiano believed me again. So he decided to stay and talk for a bit longer. We went on talking till 11 at night. Then we watched TV together. Then physical flirtation started. Kristiano had big guns and I love “big guns”. (For people who don’t know what big guns mean – they mean big biceps, lol). We were both laughing and I started playfully hitting him and he started grabbing my pecs. He was laughing and so was I. A wide grin across my face. Then as I was grabbing his guns he just looked at me and I asked him “You love grabbing my pecs don’t you?” He laughed it off and told me off for saying that. And jokingly, he asked me if I liked it – I laughed it off. Then he went back to his floor and made me promise that I would see him before I leave the next morning. I just told him to wake up really and come down if he wanted to see me. He said he would try.

So I tried to sleep. Then I suddenly heard my phone vibrate. It was an im. I have aim on my mobile. He had somehow found out my aim and had added me. He asked me what I was doing and then he told me that he would miss me. Then he asked me to read an email that he had sent me. It spoke about friendship and how he saw me as one of his dear friends. Then I just flirted with him and told him that he loved grabbing my pecs. Then he said that he knows I loved it too. I laughed. Aim laugh – you know where you go “lol” even for the smallest smile. Then I denied it. Then he said a line that will always stay with me. I will probably remember him as one of the bravest person to have ever come into my life. The one with the most guts. The line he said is “Lets just come forward and say what we both are thinking. Its not like both of us are stupid or blind to not see it”. Every hair on my body stood up, I got goosebumps and my heart raced and I started pressing on my mobile faster. I just said what do you mean. I kept telling him that I did not know what he was talking about. The aim continued till 2 at night. I was not giving in and he kept trying harder. He kept asking me to say it first as he did not want to say it cos I might not say it after he did. The reality is that I was too scared to even hear it. I did not want to hear what I thought he was about to say. Part of this fear came from the fact that I was not leaving at all. I did not know how to face him the next morning – if he said what I thought he was going to say. Then he said, “We both have nothing to lose and a world to gain, so just say it”. Then I asked him how would it matter as I was leaving the next morning. He said “We can at least have a few hours together”. Then I told him that there was no point as they would not let him come down to my floor at 2:14 in the morning. He said he would somehow come down. Then he threatened me that he was coming down. I told him not to. Then he said he will come down, when I say what I was thinking. I was just too scared too and told him I was not thinking anything. I told him I needed to go to sleep, he got angry and told me to stay awake as he has been wiping his eyes and keeping himself awake for the past few hours. Then suddenly my phone broke down. He called my other phone and asked me what happened. I told him and he told me to get online on my laptop and go to meebo and use aim on that. I did. Then we imed on my laptop. He teased me that my phone could not handle the conversation. We went on talking. Well this night ended with me not being able to say anything and him naming me “chicken shyt”. Lol. All I kept thinking was how was I going to face him the next day. I asked him if he would be coming down to say bye and he said he would feel awkward to after what has happened. I asked him to come at 7 am and he said he would try. Then we stopped im- ing and I went off to sleep but he told me that he knew that I would not be able to sleep and that he would not sleep too

---------------------------------------

The next morning I woke up with the feeling that someone had chucked something at me. And it was really early. I woke up and found my sock in my pillow and I looked back and saw him sitting a few feet away from me. I just covered my face with my blanket and smiled. I did not know how I was gonna tell him that I was not leaving. Well we made small talk and did not speak about anything else. I did my best to avoid the night before’s topic altogether. Then we just talked for a bit longer. Then I told him that I had something to say and then told him that I had played a prank on him and that I was not leaving. He just smiled and was mad that I lied to him. But it was a joke. Then we talked for a bit longer. Then he went back upstairs and told me to see him later during therapy. I told him I would be there soon.

After he left, he called me in 5 minutes. And he said “Kiddo, get on aim now”. I told him I couldn’t cos I was busy. But he got mad and told me that he wanted to talk. By the way, I loved him calling me kiddo. So I went on aim and we spoke for longer. He started asking me what was on my mind the night before. I still did not say anything. Then he said he had to know and that if we both said it then we could at least be happy the days we have left. I still insisted on not saying it. Then he said that as I was playing in defense and him in offense he was going to start being in defense too. Sport talk. Then he told me that sometime during the day he would like to continue our conversation.

I went upstairs and did my therapy. Us both in the same room, glancing and knowing but just smiling. At times I would try not looking at him and he would ask me to give me to pound. I would. It was kinda fun and hot knowing that only we knew what we were upto and no one else did. Throughout the day we passed witty remarks but I did everything to not speak about it.
Then night fell and he came to see me downstairs. We talked about stuff. Then I just told him to not talk about anything as I did not want to. Then he got mad. He told me that he wanted to im again tonight. So he went back upstairs with the im saga again. To cut a long set of sweet nothings short – the night ended with him telling me that he had a crush on me and I told him that I was bi and that I did not have a crush on him but liked him. But definitely not as much as he liked me. I know Im mean. Then he asked me what was I thinking of last night. I told him to tell me first and he said he was thinking that if we had said that we liked each other then he would come down and kiss me – no matter what time. Then it was my turn to say what I was thinking and I told him that I was scared that he was going to tell me that he was in love with me. He said he was far from it but had a crush on me – I got mad flirtatiously and told him that was not good enough and that I like people being crazy about me. So yes we ended up telling each other what we were thinking of. He asked me when I started liking him and I told him that I probably flirted with him even before I liked him. Lol. I flirt with everyone like I said. Then to make him mad I told him that it was after Eduardo left and he got mad and said he did not like being anybody’s second dish.

Then the next day came and he hated that I would not talk to his face but would on aim. Then he came down at night and we just talked. Then he asked me once again what I was thinking of the other night. This time I told him the truth and said that I was thinking what I would if he came and down and tried to kiss me. But I said this in a away that reminded me of one of my ex-girlfriends. I got all shy and asked him to hide his face behind a curtain before I would say it. He mocked me for being so kiddish. Then I told him. Then he pulled away the curtains and smiled at me. But I told him to not look at me and just leave. He pulled the curtains of my room. And I just told him to leave without looking. But he saw some people stand outside the door so he turned and said something stupid. I forgot what he said. But it was something about returning something. Then he went to his room and did not come back and we just got on aim. Then this neighbor of mine came into my room and was really friendly and we were talking. He called me and asked me why I was not on yet. I told him that there was a dude in my room talking to me. He got really mad and asked me to get on quick. 10 minutes later he rang and got mad for taking time and I told him that the guy had not left yet. He asked me to ask him to leave. I kinda liked it. Lol. Then later the guy left and we imed and thought I had made up the whole thing about the guys being in my room. I told him that I was not lying and that the guy was just being friendly and asking me if I got porn on my laptop. I also teased him for being jealous. Then we got talking and I asked him why he still had not done anything like kissing me and he said he still did not know how I was going to take it. I told him to make the first move. He wanted to know why. I told him that with girls I made the first move and with guys I liked them making the first move. Yes, I sleep with girls too but I am gay.

The next day there was more flirting. We did not have any therapy sessions together but he asked the therapists to make me do therapy with him. So for most therapies we were together after that. The whole day I put lip balm on my lips hoping he would kiss me that night. He came that night and we talked and then he went to his room and came back to my room later. We were talking and then he looked at my lips and said that I should put some lip balm on as it looked a bit dry. I just wet my lips and just waited and waited. It seemed like an eternity. Then we got talking again. Then he said put some lip balm on your lips. I got really mad but just as I was looking for my lip balm. He pulled me towards him and said no let me wet it. Then he gave me a SMOOCH. Yaaaayyyyy – said the sexually frustrated me. Lol. Then he wetted my lips with his tongue. It was a long smooch. Then we heard a nurse come in so stopped. It was a false alarm. Then he asked me to stop looking so nervous and know what I want. He took my hands and told me that it was ok.

Then the next day we had more therapy sessions together. He

would wink at me when no one would be looking. I loved it. At night we talked more. He sat on a chair and asked me to go and close the curtains. I did and as I was about to get on my bed, he pulled me and sat me on his laps. Then we kissed and he kissed all over my neck and I loved it. Then he groped me and I groped him too. He stroked my ass and then I put my hands down his pants and took his dick out. I just looked at it and made a remark. Lol. Then he start softly touching my ass and my dick. Then I got on bed and we talked about everything. I told him that I hated blowjobs – giving them. Then he asked me if I had ever tried it I said no. Then he said that how could I hate something I never tried. I told him that he could forget it. Lol. Then he asked me if I had ever been fucked. Somehow I found it hard to answer this. It was like someone was questioning my masculinity. But I answered it and said yes. He said kool. Lol kool. Then I asked him if he had ever been fucked and he said he had been done sometimes but mostly he did it. I remembered him telling me a while ago that he had turned into a sex maniac and he slept with lots and lots of girls. I think I even mentioned it in the first blog. So I asked him were they really girls or were they boys. He came clean and told me they were guys. But he had sex with girls too. Then he told me about this guy he was in love with and still is but its not working out. They had started dating while in high school and were in love with each other but a year ago things did not work when the guy moved away. So I told him about my love too. The guy who I am still in love with and have rejected many people for. He said he was fine with that and that it was a good quality to have. I will be talking more about him later. So as I got talking to him and I told him what had been bugging me for a couple of days. Listen up guys, for a couple of days this whole thing between us had been bugging me. I was not in love with Kristiano yet but I was scared. I go to university in a different state and he lives in a different state. I would be leaving in August for university again. I was scared that I would fall in love. And I could not fall in love for five months. For me love is forever. If it was just sex then fine cos I would be getting out of hospital soon and so would he and we could hang out before I left for university. But Kristiano was some with whom I had become friends with before him telling me that he had a crush on me. It was not some person I met at the bar that I could just have sex with and forget about. And also I did not want him falling in love with me and me just leaving at the end of five months knowing that I had left him broken hearted. So I asked him what we should do. He said we should just hang out and have fun and let this be whatever it is supposed to be and give it a chance. And at the end of five months we would have no obligation towards each other. We were not promising anything and it was just fun. That lifted a huge weight off my heart. But he said that whatever happened, we should be best friends. I agreed. He said this cos he knew that I did not have anyone in my life that I could talk about this to and he wanted us to be best friends at least so that I could talk about this part of my life to him. And I told him that I was happy to have talked about this. You see readers, to be honest I did not have a crush on or liked Kristiano so much, I mean he was cute but not my type – what attracted me to him the most was his guts. Cos there have been very few people in my life who have been as brave as he was to tell me what he felt. I even told him that if I had had as much guts as he did I would have been a very happy person. I even told Kristiano that I think it was the hospital and loneliness dependency that made us feel that way. He got mad at me but understood where I was coming from.
Then I spoke to him about the person I was in love with and still am. This guy was my best friend and for this I will just call him Brody. Brody and I went to high school together. I will tell you all about him later but for now I just want to tell you this. I told Kristiano that I hoped I had guts like his cos then I would probably have been able to tell Brody what I felt and if only Brody had had guts like Kristiano’s too. I told Kristiano that I had not spoken to Brody for a year and a half. It hurt me so much. I mean I had moved away but still it was horrible that I had not rung him or anything in the past year and a half. You see, we both had a lot at stake. We both had huge egos but Brody would even step on his ego for me. I neved did that but he did and I get so mad sometimes at myself. Brody contacted me many times but I just did not even reply. And it was terrible. But Kristiano had taught me about guts. I believe everything happens for a reason – for a good reason. And probably Kristiano’s only purpose in my life was to teach me about guts to help me live a little. And then I told Kristiano that him teaching me about guts had made me see that I should email Brody. Even if it was after a year and half. Kristiano was happy cos he felt like he had something to do with me emailing Brody again. And with this knowledge of guts and being brave I wanted to tell Brody everything I wanted to say but had kept in my heart. I thought about telling him that I was in love with him but thought it was best to tell him right now but everything else in my heart he had to know about how sorry I was for not reply to his texts and ignoring him and about everything else too. I wrote the letter and asked Kristiano if he wanted to read it. At first he did not want to cos he wanted it to be private between me and Brody but I asked him to and he did. I mailed Brody and anxiously awaited his reply.

Then me and Kristiano did what we did. Then I asked him if it was ok for me to continue to flirt with the other guys and girls. He said it was ok but he asked me to keep the passion among the both of us only. I laughed. Then I asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he was to come back. Eduardo was supposed to come back for therapy. Kristiano said he would be ok with it but told me to not do anything else. I said ok. And he asked me if I would be ok with him flirting with people – I said I would be fine with it. Kristiano gave me another name “Human Magnet” – lol. Then guess what happened the next day. I went for therapy and guess who I see there – Eduardo. I was so happy and went to tell Kristiano. Kristiano told me he had already seen him. Then I went and hung out with Eduardo. Then later he asked me if I knew Eduardo was coming today. I told him that I didn’t. But he did not believe me cos just the night before I had asked him if he would be ok with me flirting with Eduardo if he were to come back and he happened to come back the next day. Freaky.

Another thing I wanted to make sure with Kristiano was if he was still in a relationship with his ex. He told that they were trying to work things out but they had broken up a year ago and things would not work out. I told him that I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up.
My dad cheated on my mom a lot. A lot of women tried breaking my mom and dad up. So I was very touchy about the cheating thing. I might have a lot of one night stands. But when it comes to relationships I am completely faithful and believe in a forever with someone. I hate people cheating and it makes me mad. I like belonging to someone and having the right on someone.
Kristiano assured me that they were not in a relationship and they were just friends. I told him that I think they should try working things out but he said he deserved better. I stopped him from talking bad stuff about his ex with me. I hate it when people do that. If you have been in love with that person then why talk bad about them. So yes, when people talk bad about their ex with me – I don’t like it.

So Kristiano and my relationship continued and he told me everything about him. He told me every single thing and also told me that when I had broken my toe (the one I mentioned in the post “The Pranks” ) he was actually happy. I mean I had told him a few days after that incident that I had faked it and it was to stop the silly water fights. But now he was telling me that when he told me he was sorry and felt bad for breaking my toe – he was actually happy that I had fractured or broken it - cos that meant I would stay in the hospital longer. I told him that was sick. He told me that he had told his godfather about having a crush on me and he told his godfather that he had broken my toe by mistake but was happy cos I would be staying for longer. That asshole. But I like it. Lol. The other thing I like about Kristiano is that he has a few people in his life that knows about him liking guys. Some of his friends know and his godfather knows and one his lady teacher s know too. I envy that about him. The other thing I noticed about the people who came to visit him was that a lot of them were people he had built relation with himself. Like for instance, his godfather, his mentor ( an investment banker), his other aunts and uncles, other families he was very close to. Most of these peoples who loved him so much and cared for him in the hospital were people he had built relationships with himself and they were not his bloodline. I was very impressed with that. And these people truly cared about him a lot.

Some days later my Brody replied. I was so happy. He wrote a long mail saying how he understood and was so happy that I mailed. He wanted to ring me and had tried the number I sent but there was a mistake in the number so he sent me his number and I mailed him saying I was really happy that he mailed and that I would mail him soon. And he was also engaged. I told Kristiano about it. And all he had to say was “At least his means you can move on”. I felt the same way but I told him that it was only an engagement and that he was not married yet. So there was still time. Kristiano laughed. But I really do think that even though I know Im contradicting myself but he is not married yet. So there is still time. Recently I had seen the promos for the latest season of One Tree Hill. And somehow my life looked very similar to what is happening in the show at the moment.

I would always give Kristiano hickies cos I loved seeing him red faced in front of the therapists in the morning when he had no answer for it. I would give him hickies all over his neck and chest. The therapists would be like ”Kristiano, you did not tell me you had a girlfriend?”. And he would just make up some silly excuse. Lol. Sometimes I took off all my clothes and would sit on his lap and not be worried of who might come in. I had my curtains closed. His dick hard and hanging out and he would be touching my ass with his fingers. I just liked sitting on his lap and making out. But I did not want to go all the way and have sex cos every minute we thought someone was walking in and I would have to jump into bed. So I did not want to have sex like that and we just made out. And it was very passionate as we were going at it like wild animals. The next day he told me that he thought I was going to go all the way with him and that he thought “I think this is it”. I told him it was not in my mind cos of reasons mentioned. We made plans to meet up at a hotel after we left the hospital and spend some days together.

Then the day came for me to really leave. We talked till late at night. And I kept extending a day more till I had stayed there four more days than I was supposed to. We hung out a lot the night before and he brought Eduardo and this other girl to hang out with us too and I was furious. I mean I used to hang out with Eduardo a lot and Kristiano used to hate it. And now for the last night he brought Eduardo along. I was mad at him. The next day in therapy we hung out and talked. And while he was doing his therapy with the therapists I just sat on a chair and talked to them and Eduardo was there too. And when they were not looking he would blow a kiss at me. I loved it. Lol. And I think this time one of the therapists noticed. And Kristiano told me that he saw the therapists who we think noticed go and talk to the other therapists and the other therapist was looking at him. So it was very terrifying. So I think a few of the therapists suspected and others thought we were very good friends. So time came for me to leave. I said goodbye to everyone and left. I felt very sad and wanted to cry. But as I was still in the same city I knew I would be coming to visit everyday – but it would create suspicion so we decided it would be best not come too often.

I left and got home and felt very sad so went to sleep. I rang him the same night and we spoke for hours. This went on for days. We would speak for hours but soon he stopped texting me as much and I got mad at him but he told me that he was busy with therapy and I understood. But he would text me really early in the morning and tell me sweet stuff. Then I told that Brody texted me and what Brody said and all that. And then he started texting me even earlier. He told that one day it was a mission for him to text me before Brody did. I thought that was cute! A week later, I went and saw everyone at the hospital. And I saw Kristiano too. Two weeks went by and then I started having second thoughts. So I decided to call it off. I told Kristiano where I was coming from. It was really hard for us. There were times when I just wanted to hold but was not able to. I wanted to kiss him but could not.He was supposed to get out of hospital soon but did not know when. And the other thing was that I was kinda falling for him. And I wanted to save myself before I did. Cos I did not want to fall in love knowing it was only for five months. And I was still not sure if I liked him as much. I still doubted if it was loneliness dependence and all that. And love for me being huge, I did not want to fall without being sure that I wanted to be with this person. I did not want to be with him and still be checking other guys out. If I had not started falling for him then I would not even care about all this and would have just had fun. And I just needed to be sure before falling that yes I want to be with this person. I am sorry but readers please don’t judge for being so complex – but I am just a human being. And I just wanted to make sure I was safe. I have been hurt before. So I went to see him at the hospital and we talked at the restaurant downstairs. I told him everything and asked him to think. I was going to the state in which my university was in for a week to see my friends and for spring break. So I went to see him again the next day cos I wanted to see him before I left. The other reason I thought we should stop was cos I still felt like there was some issues with him and his ex. I was not jealous of them speaking everyday but one day I was. I knew they were just friends. But somehow I felt like there was more to the story and like I said I did not want to be the reason for them breaking up. So with all the reasons, I thought it was best to not be in a relationship with Kristiano. I told him that we had to talk and went and saw him. We spoken in the restaurant I explained all the reasons to him and he told me he completely understood. He seemed relaxed and I asked him to try and work things out with his ex. Then I asked him if I was the reason for them breaking up. I asked him to answer honestly cos it did not matter anymore. He said that they had broken up a year ago but they were trying to work things out. But he felt like it was still not working out. But he told me that yes I was the reason for him to not try and work things out. I had already him that I was going for spring break. But I also told him that I might not be coming after spring break and might just stay there at the state in which my university was in. But that was only if things worked out with apartment and all that and if not I would be back till august. So yes as best friends we could hang out when I come back. But in my head, I needed some space before we could be best friends. Just to remove the feelings. I also told him that he would soon find a person who was 100% into him and did not have doubts like I did. Then I told him I would ring him the next day to say bye as I was leaving in two days.

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I went home and later that night went to a dinner party. It took my mind off Kristiano. Then when I was coming home from the party, my phone vibrated and it was aim from Kristiano. He said he something really urgent to talk about and it was an emergency. I told him that I was on my way home and that I could talk now. Thousands of things ran through my head. I was really worried that something might have happened. Then he said brace yourself. And asked me if I was ready for this. I got really worried. Then he said – I want to be with you – Do you want to be with me? He went on to say that he had spoken to his ex and he was willing to let me talk to him if I needed proof that they were not together anymore. I needed to get a grip on everything so I told him I would talk once I got home.

Then I got home and talked to him. He told me that after I left, he thought about this whole thing and decided to be with me. He told me that he was in love with me. He told me this sometime before too. I told him that I was not in love with him yet but was falling. He had spoken to his ex and his godfather too. He was even willing to have us both talk to each other if I needed proof. I told him that I had to think about this. I told him that I needed sometime and that I would go for spring break for a week and really think about it. He was satisfied with the answer. He said go and have sex with as many guys and girls as you like and then think about it. But he asked me to come and visit him the next day. I tried but I was not able to. He even finished therapy soon and argued with one of his therapists about not doing the last therapy so that he could visit me on time. And we would have more time to spend together. I was not able to go. He kept texting me saying he hoped I would come by. He said he was waiting but I really was not able to go. So the next day I rang him before I left and he picked up even though he was in therapy. He told me that he took his mobile phone with him to the therapy room. When we were somewhat together, I would tell him off for not picking up when I called and he would give me different reasons for not being able to take the mobile to the therapy room. And now on the last day that I was leaving he was able to. Its funny how we humans are. Its only when someone is about to leave or has left that we truly value what we had and recognize what we had. Why cant we humans value it while we still have it? I told him that he finally has the phone on him and he said that he wanted to pick up on the off chance that I rang. We both laughed. He asked me to come back. He told me that he knew I would come back. Then I said bye and got on the plane and flew away.

When I got there I rang him and told him that I landed safely. Then cos of the times difference and everything we spoke less. He would im me but I would not realize till later. He would text me and tell me that he missed me. Then he imed me and cos I was in a club did not feel my phone vibrating. Then he just got mad at me and started saying that he saw how it was and it was ok and all that and just said bye kiddo. I only saw the long im later. Then I rang him and told him that I had not seen it. He understood and we spoke for sometime. Then five days later I decided to return. But I returned only to continue with outpatient rehab till august at the same hospital. I also decided after thinking about it for a long time that it was best I just remained best friends with Kristiano. Cos I would end up falling for him and knowing it was only for five months, it would not have worked. And I was not entirely sure. Also if we did have a relationship and five months later I had to leave, I would be miserable at college. And it would have been so hard for it to work. So I decided I would be there for him as a best friend and would still see him at hospital. So I texted him saying that and he understood. And said he thought it was a good idea too.

So its been nearly a month or two since I got back from spring break. Kristiano is still in hospital. There have been times when I have missed him so much. I used to ring him regularly. I go and see him and everyone at the hospital regularly too. I did not ring him as much as I rung before cos everytime I rang him I missed him. So instead if I did not ring for a week or so, I would not think about him. So I would ring sometimes and talk to him. Sometimes he would im me and tell me it had been long. Then one day he told me that the doctors have said that he needed another surgery. Cos if he did not have it soon it could be fatal. He told me the date of the surgery and asked me not to come as it would be awkward and people might think stuff. I told him that I would say I was a friend and friends are there for each other. But he was too worried. Then I spoke to him the night before his surgery. He was supposed to go into surgery between 8 – 8:30 in the morning. But he would be taken there at around 6 -7 . So I wanted to go and see him at 5 in the morning. I was really nervous and worried. But he asked me not to come on the surgery day and asked me to come the next day. But I could not sleep at all. So I rang the nurse and asked her if she could let me in at 5 if I came. She said she would. I stayed awake till 5 but then I thought it was best not to cos it would be a hard time for him before the surgery. So I decided to go after his surgery on the same day. He had told me that his phone would be with his mom so I rang her and spoke to her. She said he was still not out yet. I asked her where he was and she asked me to come to his room and she would take me to the other room where he was at. Then I called her before I got there and she told me that he was out of there and he was doing good. I got there and he was awake. I was so happy to see him. I was so happy that the surgery went well. We joked for a bit. Then his mom started asking me what I was studying and what I wanted to become and be. I told her and she said now I see where the connection is between you two. And I was like ya we are studying the same thing. And then Kristiano says “Its strictly business”. I got really nervous. I thought that him being under sedation would make him say stuff with realizing. But later he told that he did it to mess with me and get me nervous. Silly ass. That day I just kept flirting with him and wanted to take care of him. We are best friends. But we were scared the parents were gonna think something, so he asked me to back off a bit cos he was worried. Then he jokingly asked me for a bj and then he said he was kidding. Then he said he wanted to be turned to his side so he wanted me to help the nurse to do so and he said you might see penis nothing you have not seen before. Then I stayed till evening and left cos he wanted time alone with his family. I wanted to go see him the next day too but thought It would be best not to. I rang him and spoke to him and he was doing ok. Then I went to see him the day after and his brother was there with him. His brother and I got along really well. I told him all the stories Kristiano had told me about them and we were laughing. I stayed for a few hours then left. I have not rang him since cos I don’t want him to think Im nagging him. Cos of his surgery and everything he was constantly in my mind. But I have not rang him in the past few days. Above all, I am just really glad that his surgery went well. So yes guys, sorry about the freaking long blog. But its nearly 2:18 am and I am just blogging away. I probably sound too complex. No matter what happens tomorrow, I have Kristiano as a friend, as a best friend. I am glad that now I can at least talk to someone about having a crush on a dude. I can at least ring him and talk to him about the guys I like.

The Pranks

2008-05-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

Hi dudes - firstly thanks to my buddy daninokc for the reply to my email. Now comes the part where I tell all about things going on and things I have been through. But once again I dont know where to start. Well here it begins. Let me start from telling you a bit about what is going on now.

As you all know by reading my first ever post that Im a college kid. But I took this semester off cos of an illness for which I was hospitalized for two months. Well these two months changed me in a lot of ways. I met someone who taught me about courage and being brave and having some guts. After all the ands and buts comes the heart of what I am trying to tell you. I kind of like had a hospital romance. lol. The best kind of therapy one can get.

Well I had just finished my surgery and then was flown into another hospital for rehab. I got there and started hating it. Firstly the floor in which I was in had no private room, which drove my mom nearly mad. Then I told my parents I was ok with having roommates in the hospital. Then for a week I just shut myself out in my own little cubicle and had the curtains closed most of the time. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I just wanted t get better asap and get the hell outta there.

Then after a week or two I started getting out and talking to people on the floor - a lot of kids in my age range 18 -21 and a lot of young kids to the age of 4. lol. Love kids. I started mingling and soon made friends. Soon I started to talk to everyone and this hospital was more like a boarding school. I have been to boarding schools most of my life.

So weeks went by and I had come out of being sedated mostly and was less naseous. I was the usual me - flirting with every single living being - talking to be heard as they say and life was just usual intead I started developing a crush for this dominican kid who was also a patient there. We were roommates and we would talk all the time and soon becam friends. There were two other kids in our room and we were kinda like the older guys. Im not racist or any kind of -ist. But I have never been into gangster wanna-be kids. Well this kid dressed up like a gangster and stuff but he was the most un-gangstery person ever. He admitted that himself. The thing that attracted me to him was his honesty. Soon we became good friends and would flirt with each other endlessly. I mean I never thought he was gay - but like I said - I flirt with every single living being - as told by my friends. But the weird thing was he would flirt back. lol. I did not see a future with him - I did not even think of him as I masturbated in my hospital cubicle but I just liked the idea of flirting with him and him flirting back. lol.

So this went on for ages. All the while there was another Dominican kid in the floor too - him also being one of the older kids around our age. He was 18-19. Now the first guy I talked about and this second could not have been more different. There were just like on the other end of the poles. To avoid confusion lets name the first one Eduardo and the second one Kristiano. Lol. I know they are fake names - but I dont know what else to think of. I am so sorry if anyone gets offended by this. Well Eduardo is the guy I was roommates with and had been flirting with for weeks now. Them both could not have been more different from each other. The only similarity they both were Dominican. Differences were they looked nothing like each other, Kristiano had nothing gangstery about him and was finishing from a very prestigious school. If Eduardo is gangstery - well wannabe anyways- lol - Kristiano was very sophisticated. Kristiano was very well educated on top of that. He had done internships in one of the most prestigious firms in new york while still in high school. Eduardo was just one of the kids but Kristiano was the dude who even the doctors listened to and not only the doctors but the therapists, the nurses and everyone else. Everyone listened to Kristiano and he had an air of authority. He got away with everything. Well enough with the description.

All the while that I had been flirting with Eduardo - I had started becoming better friends with Kristiano. Ya, I used to flirt with Kristiano too but it was just me being me - I did not like him in that way. Then the day came when the doctor decided to send me to a different floor. Eduardo was sad and so was the rest of the floor. I was so irritated. They were finally sending me to a bigger room but it was in a different floor. Needless to say I was mad. But my mom and dad were happy cos it was a big room all to myself. But the only good thing was that I was still allowed to come to my old floor for rehab. So everything stayed the same.

Everyday Eduardo and my other roommates and Kristiano would come to visit me. Eduardo and I became closer. I always feel like he had started feeling something too but I never found out. Time came for Eduardo to go home. It was horrible. The day that Eduardo left I just sat and did nothing. I just felt so sad. Then I started hanging out with my other old roommate who I used to hang out with a lot and I started getting closer to Kristiano. Kristiano and I became very close. Kristiano had started teaching all the kids to have water fights with needleless syringes. Soon enough, the whole floor was in a huge water fight. Then they would come to my floor and squirt water at me and run back up. This would go on for days. One day not getting enough sleep I got really mad of the childishness. It was annoying. So after Kristiano had come down to my floor and squirted me with water for the 5th time. I went to his room and did the same to him. We were the only two guys who got away with anything. We were never told off for it. The water fight went on and I was getting tired and I needed some sleep. So when Kristiano was chasing me I decided to fake a toe break. lol. I just pretended that Kristiano had got my toe caught between two chairs when he pushed me. I shouted really loud and grimaced in fake pain. Kristiano was scared of the pain I was in. I just kept telling him to take the tangled chair off me and kept shouting and he kept saying Im so sorry. Then I told him I had to go to my floor and get a nurse to look at it. I got into the elevator and let out a big shout - so that Kristiano would hear it and he would think it was authentic. Then I got downstairs and quickly got a nurse to bring me a big cotton wool and bandages. I put a big cotton on my big toe and bandaged it several times. Then I waited for Kristiano to come and see my bandage. Then I would tell him that this water fights had to stop. It was already 1 at night but I knew Kristiano being the guy who no one could say anything to - even if he was in the "little kids and teenagers and young adults floor". Soon enough he came down and saw the huge bandage on my toe and believed me. Then I made him promise that we would stop all these water fights. Cos I was getting tired of it all - I mean I know we were on the kids floor but we wear nearing our 21's. We were the young adults as referred to by the doctors. Kristiano was a fully grown unshaven man. So was Eduardo. A lot of times I wondered how they even placed us all in the kids floor. So the next day after the fake toe thing - Kristiano saw me and cringed and asked me if my toe was hurting. And he also asked me what was the x-ray report for my toe and if it was broken. I told him that the doctors said it was not broken but it was bleeding. lol. I know I just had to lie to stop that annoying water fight. We were not at a clubhouse. We were at a hospital. I wanted to rest.

As time went on - me and Kristiano became very close and we would flirt endlessly. He would flirt back too. All the time. I would catch him looking at me many times. It went on and on. Then one day I lied to him that I was being discharged and he got all sad. It was late at night and he told me he had to go to his floor to get something and would be back soon. I kept ringin him to come soon and he did. He brought me a card. He had written a letter inside of it. It was all very friendly and he said we should always be friends and I should keep visiting them at the hospital. So it was all very nice. Then I looked at him and asked him if it was a love letter - to which he replied no and laughed. I laughed too. He made me promise that I would not show it to anyone. Then I told him I just lied about the leaving part and told him it was a prank. He was mad but soon he cool with i. Then we talked for ages. It was 1 at night and his nurses from his floor called him to go to bed - but he just told them he would be there later and they said ok. Now this was a hospital and it was 1 at night and they still listened to him. We decided to tell each other things from our life. He told me everything upto his surgery. He turned out to be a sex maniac - lol. He told me that he used to sleep with lots and lots of girls and how things were getting too much and he saw this surgery as a sign to slow down. Then I told him about my life and I went to bed and he did too.

Then soon we went on to flirt physically. I think the fact that Eduardo had left had made us closer. Then I played a prank on him once more about me leaving and then he did the same to me. I would catch him lookin at me many times. I did not have a crush on him but I think I just liked flirting with him. I dont know if it was the hospital and loneliness. Then I played a prank. Yes the same one where I told him I was leaving. But the results to this turned out very differently.

Guys its nearly 4 here in New York and Im so sleepy. I will continue the story tomorrow. If anyone is reading. Hehe.

And so it all begins

2008-05-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone – I really don’t know how to start this. I guess, I will start anyways. I am a guy with a lot of things that I cant to talk to a lot of people about. To everyone I have always been the dude with “THE HOTTEST AND MOST POPULAR” tag. But in this blog I want to introduce another part of me too. The part that I have been all the while I was the popular dude at school and now in college………I am gay.

I am the dude with the not –so-popular secret. Its funny how everyone wants to be best friends with me and talk to me - but somehow I have no one to talk to about a very real part of me. Im not even sure if they will listen when I say it. So I decided to write down everything I feel and experiences I have had - things I can tell nobody personally.

I am not ashamed of being gay. But I know that once I tell people it will make it bigger than I am. Being gay is a part of me – it is not me. It only a part of me.

I have worked very hard to be where I am in life today. I have achieved a lot in my career which I started professionally while I was in high school. I have been hailed and got a lot of praise for it (I dont want to reveal the career at the moment). So much being in stake - I have no intention of coming out right now. Then there is family. My parents whom I love a lot - my family's status in society and my goals in life which are associated with my career.

But what I want to do is start a talk with other guys who are in the same position as me as well as everyone else. I am sure there are other jocks, homecoming kings, Mr Populars of their schools or colleges and even people who work in the public eye like sportstars, actors, directors, musicians, singers, directors who are in the same position and have no one to talk to. Please feel free to contact me in anyways possible. I will be making an aim and msn too. For now please feel free to email me at secretblogin@gmail.com. The image above is not of me, but it describes my feelings and emotional state very well.

And dude, please leave comments.